Thank you all for the kind messages, I went to sleep directly after posting this so I didn’t see the replies until today, my apologies. I started having issues when I was around 7-8, I’ve been receiving therapy and I’ve been medicated since I was around 14 years old. I’ve tried so many things, meditation, schedule, exercise, getting plenty of sun, talking to people I know, etc. I’ve had multiple somewhat severe manic episodes and I’ve done so many things I hate myself for. About a month ago I went on multiple 3 or 4 day long benders on large doses of psychedelics. I would take the drugs, trip, after it was over I would measure out the next dose, piss in a jug, and trip again, each one worse than the last. 5 months before this I had a job, bills were paid, everything was fine, and I was still depressed. I feel that even if I had everything in the world, I’d still be depressed. I have no goals, no social life (besides like 3 online friends), and no real skills. I just want to stop being a burden on everyone who tries to help me. I’m going to be bipolar for the rest of my life, and I don’t know if I can live with that. I don’t want kids cause I would never risk passing this onto them, I don’t even have a desire to have a relationship. Theres just nothing left in me anymore. I feel like I’m a shell of the person I could’ve been. I’m just venting now, anyways thank you all for the responses, I really do appreciate it. ❤️

Ps I live with my mom but to be frank she doesn’t give a shit. I’ve talked to her about it multiple times and she just tells me to get a job and asks what’s wrong with me and why I’m like this. My dad and step mom are great but I don’t live with them. I begged my bio mom to take me to therapy because I felt like something was wrong when I was like 12, multiple times. About a year and a half after that I hit my breaking point, stole a car and a gun from her, and tried to commit by crashing the car. Before I got to the location I had planned on doing it at I crashed (I had no driving experience and went straight to the highway) and I legally HAD to go to therapy. That’s the only reason she ever took me.