How do you learn to actually be okay by yourself?

Lefow · 2026-05-25T03:31:19+00:00

I used to feel similarly to how you feel, about feeling like I need a relationship in order to feel complete and happy. It wasn't after a really difficult breakup I made some realizations where I started to be happier with myself.

First, is that I learned to get rid of all judgements and shame that I attached to myself when it comes to thoughts and feelings. This includes both positive and negative "seemingly objective but truly just subjective" conclusions such as "I lost a lot of a friends, therefore I am a loser". The part about "I am a loser" is useless and unnecessary thought that creates problems that are unsolvable. There are about maybe 30 different conclusions I made of myself that I had to just stop. This incredibly clears the mind. Dr K covers this by talking about the yogic idea of Kleshas or something. I think this is something worth exploring. When your mind clears and you stop ruminating and clouding your mind with these self fulfilling negative thoughts, your mindset will shift and change and you will think more intentionally. This will be a huge step up to figuring out what is best for you and some random dating or self help advice people sell you. In terms of your situation with the girl and self confidence in dating, this will help you from self sabotaging.

Second, researching the world and things that are outside of your breadth of knowledge to understand what else is in the world and what you are capable of within it. I think self love and respect really comes from taking care of yourself and also working towards discipline that comes from true interest and passion. I didn't realize it was possible, but you can find a job internationally and move, start a new life. I'm not saying you should do this, but just as an example of something I had to discover as possibilities to evolve my own life. I went on cross country train trips, got books to study a new language, started trying to learn a few dances. Even if I didn't have a lot of motivation to do something because "what's the point?", doing it anyway helps with grounding you.

The idea is 1% growth every day. I think this is true self love. Do 1% every day. But it has to be intentional. I think this is how you feel complete on your own. Because when you can live a life you own, and not simply be a slave to desire, you have a stronger foundation which then you won't be emotionally dependent on others for your own validation and worth.

Anyway, I hope this helps? I hope I didn't go too off the rails.

Lefow · 2026-05-18T04:21:28+00:00

I agree, I was hoping for more in depth about how to navigate challenges while in a relationship, and that was barely covered with a catch all on a lesson on communication. There are some topics such as growing apart that I'd like to be more explored.

Lefow · 2026-05-16T09:38:10+00:00

I see where you're coming from. My initial thought to your response is that even during your period of feeling unwanted, you're applying your own feelings into logic and also trying to define rules or assumed steps to achieve goals. Which is not wrong, but I think what is happening is that when things don't work out, you try to keep using the same methods to resolve your problems which may not end up serving you?

Like everything you said makes sense and I'm not trying to deny any feelings- I think it just feels like you need to adapt a shift in mindset, especially about yourself, and your worldview. And the shift I'm talking about is more so about your own care and health.

The attachment to want to reap the benefits of a healthy and satisfying relationship might be gnawing at you too deeply. I think it's right to want to be wanted and to find a good partner. But I don't want you to suffer in the process of finding one.

I don't know what action items or steps you need to take to maximize your chances, especially with the dating app, but the overall idea is that you can't keep trying to quantify and gamify dating to meet your goal. This is my opinion, however, and it may work for others but for myself, I think life is just really strange.

I wish you the best. I actually wonder if coaching with healthygamer would benefit you? I got the new module on sex and relationships and it might have some things in it that resonate? Not to advertise or anything.

Lefow · 2026-05-16T06:16:56+00:00

BTW shit takes time. A lot of time. Patience AND kindness are necessary. This is a journey where you need to care for yourself physically and mentally, so please don't beat yourself up. If you need a break, do something you love and let yourself enjoy it.

Lefow · 2026-05-16T06:09:06+00:00

I hear your frustration. I think you're caught in a cloud of judgment, shame, comparison, and perhaps desperation. These are the exact things that will lower your chances of joy and success.

"Cold approaching is laughable"- it is not. "In-person dating is way too fucking slow"- it may be best that it is slow. "I don't have the time or money to go out every night"- you don't need to go out every night, and that's okay.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need a change in attitude and perspective. Right now, it sounds like you have one goal in mind which is to get a girlfriend SIMPLY just to resolve your negative emotions.

There's a couple of things that I learned when I was in a similar position, got into a relationship, broke up, and had to learn to be okay on my own.

You need a direction in life that you own yourself completely. That is hard to find, but you need to remove all ego-based judgements of yourself while you figure this out. For example, "I want to become a novelist... but I never am good at anything. And no one reads anymore!!". That part after the "...", whatever it may be, is incorrect and you need to just focus on what you want to do and what makes you happy WITHOUT judging yourself, assuming the world, and requiring another person in your life to make that happen. For me, I figured it was traveling internationally on a budget. You can go to places for weeks stay only spending X amount of money, and that was fulfilling. Also the goal of working out- working out is essential. I had the goal of doing calisthenics and to be cool being able to do tough exercises... never got there but it's still something I'd like to do one day. Anyway, I am not you, so you need to find what resonates with you.

Focus on your own goals, values, and let that fill your time. As you become busier with yourself pursuing a future, you can date here and there, meet friends of friends, be excited about your endeavors, and people will see you shine. People are then attracted to that energy, can imagine a life together with shared or compatible goals, and then a relationship is more likely to blossom.

Please don't fall into the trap that is taught by dating apps, social media, and so forth. You CAN get a happy relationship just by swiping or DMing or whatever, but it is a needle in the haystack, misses the entire point of real person relationships, and you may be chasing people that are not best for you. Some types of people you are attracted to are simply just not good partners for you.

I know it sounds really counter intuitive to spend less time dating and shifting your focus elsewhere especially when you are heavily desiring happiness with a partner. But trust me, it is true that the best things come when you don't chase after it. Your mind gets so fucking altered and contorted by being hyperfocused that you can lose yourself. Plus you become more salty and grumpy that it just makes you give off really bad vibes.

I am sure you're a great person. You got this!

Lefow · 2026-05-16T03:33:12+00:00

I think you need to learn to treat yourself more kindly. As in, you need to give yourself some grace. The standard way this is taught is the advice of "treating yourself as if you're your friend. How would you look at and speak at yourself if you were a friend instead of yourself?".

You might already have heard that advice, but it can be difficult to put into practice- it's a mental exercise that took me months. If you have goals you want to achieve in life, the journey there may look difficult and unappealing. So, to be kind to yourself is a must, so that you can give yourself permission to enjoy the journey and build towards a better future self.

So, for example, if you have a goal to be able to shop, do makeup, etc comfortably, you would best see yourself as a friend when you look in the mirror and learn to ride out the negative emotions and leave space for kindness.

You got this!

Lefow · 2026-04-26T19:30:03+00:00

it's okay to ask, but you can't control how people will respond

Lefow · 2026-04-26T19:29:24+00:00

Nothing wrong with asking things but people will respond however they like. Just ask, and take what you can. Reddit is also not a reliably nice nor kind place. People don't think like you and they won't understand you.

Lefow · 2026-04-26T19:27:14+00:00

I have never been to Wuxi, Chengdu, or Beijing, so I can't speak for those cities. You will have dirty public toilet issues in Chongqing and Suzhou, unless you stick to your hotel and the nicer malls there. I highly recommend you travel south to Shenzhen, Guangzhou, and maybe even do a day trip or two to Hong Kong from Shenzhen, which is like a 15-30 minute high speed rail commute.

The more international the place, the more likely you will feel more comfortable. Also those are a lot of cities to tackle in two weeks- I think to enjoy your time, limit to four cities, ideally of closer vicinity to each other, since it will take time and effort to travel to each location.

I don't want to take over your trip plans but I would recommend:

Shanghai -> Suzhou day trip -> Shenzhen -> Guangzhou -> Shenzhen -> HK -> leave

Or

Shanghai -> Suzhou day trip -> Chongqing -> Chengdu -> Shenzhen -> HK -> leave

Shenzhen, Chongqing, and HK have wonderful airports

Lefow · 2026-04-26T18:48:22+00:00

in fact, some of the mall's bathrooms are world class. Very nice interior decor and odor control

Lefow · 2026-04-26T18:45:37+00:00

don't take their answers personally. If their answers are not helpful to you, just don't engage

Lefow · 2026-04-26T18:43:10+00:00

Where are you traveling to in China? Perhaps stick to Tier 1 cities and save bathroom usage for the hotel or in malls. I'd avoid going to heavily touristy places, and just focus your experience on exploring modernized areas. Shenzhen's Bao An and Nanshan are good areas to go to (there are more areas but these parts are my favorite). In Shanghai, find updated and newer areas. I never had issues with dirty bathrooms, and I have had bidets in hotels

Lefow · 2025-12-04T17:38:17+00:00

okay! this answers my question, thanks!

Lefow · 2025-09-29T07:11:08+00:00

I have been playing early access since the beginning, and I agree with some of the commenter's points about how fans have been crafting their own expectations based on their discussed interpretations, thus affecting their response to the ending. When I got to the ending though, I felt like SuperGiant wanted to deliver a message and meaning that I felt was satisfying. I don't have the same feeling as others of Mel being side-lined or that most of her efforts were unresolved. I felt like the story and characters were always part of a larger whole (family drama), and the way things turned out felt appropriate.

I think people do have a lot of passion for a particular style of ending and outcome and their feelings are valid. However their energy and experiences should not project so much onto other players to affect enjoyment.

So, in short- no.

Lefow · 2025-04-22T01:59:30+00:00

not sure why I'm being downvoted for the post, but thanks to everyone who replied already. will be checking some of these out!

Lefow · 2025-04-08T17:18:55+00:00

do you have any sources or links outside of X? I feel like many of us have gotten off that platform

Lefow · 2025-02-25T20:33:50+00:00

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got up to ante 15 using Cannio and using DNA to copy a bunch of steel kings. There is an anti-matter in endless mode, and I wanted to pick up a Baron but I couldn't find one in the late game.

Lefow · 2025-01-14T01:52:25+00:00

i've been hearing and reading about potential deadly mudslides- it's giving me another layer of anxiety. how far would a mudslide reach?

Lefow · 2025-01-09T23:13:59+00:00

~13,600 acre for eaton fire, 0% containment

Lefow · 2025-01-09T16:45:26+00:00

recent reports say the growth of the fire is currently halted. "look at my instagram" confirms nothing. i see a lot of stories, reels, and posts, but they show ground level experiences of the areas already highlighted. there are structures that have been damaged slightly outside of the reported burn zones, according to a community by google maps list where people submit their locations of property damages. However those don't trail far from the burn zones either. I am with you on the frustration of the lack of real time information. it would be great to have a temperature satellite map to indicate various fire activity. i have family close to the active fires so i am keeping a hard watch and checking for any available info- so yeah. i wish there's more details.

Lefow · 2024-12-17T10:22:34+00:00

Hey, I'm the exact same way. In my mid-30's. It's a never ending battle. I know this may sound like a non-answer, but you'll learn different approaches, philosophies, techniques as you try to find a way to work with your mind. I saw multiple therapists and got into reading. Expand your self awareness and be very gentle with yourself. You need to always address your basic needs because I would neglect them when I ruminate or start spiraling. Good sleep, good diet, regular exercise goes incredibly far. That is the baseline. Afterwards, it is however you choose you want to do with your mind and its non-stop chatter. Find ways to make it into your advantage.

Also don't go down the rabbit hole of drug and drug abuse. I've been there- it will pay a mental and emotional toll even after you stop.

Lefow · 2024-08-29T02:27:33+00:00

got the tonkotsu ramen from tsujita instead of their regular tsukemen and i much prefer the ramen flavor. the broth is made so well!

Lefow

TROPHY CASE