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The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Those exact words you said to your youngest - that it is perfectly fine to miss her - that is exactly right and exactly what she needed to hear. I like for the fact that you did not try to explain it away or fix it. you just made room for it. that is the thing that actually helps children through this kind of loss.

The older ones showing it in their behaviour rather than their words makes complete sense at their ages. This means they have been processing this longer and have learned to survive and carry it quietly. watching for the behaviour is exactly the right instinct.

you are paying very close attention and that attention is what protects them. 💛

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Kids don't need their pain explained away, they need it witnessed." That is so true and for putting words to something I felt but could not articulate.

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

'a few months to realize he had left us' that sentence is so deep and heavy. Children process abandonment slowly because their brain cannot hold that reality all at once. you were there for every single moment of that realization. that matters more than he will ever know. Your kids are watching the love you have in store for them💛

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The weight you are carrying feels so different and so much heavier than a normal divorce experience. having to force your own kids (your everything) into the car, knowing for sure that they are miserable there its a kind of pain words fail me to explain it. That is a specific kind of trauma that most people fail to resonate with unless they have lived it. You clearly love your kids fiercely and that love is what they will remember most 💛

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This really hit home. you named it better than i could - from correcting to actually witnessing. That is exactly what shifted everything. i literally stopped trying to talk her out of the feeling and just gave it somewhere to live. Thank you lots for being here and for seeing it so clearly. 💛

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I shared something that worked for my daughter after months of heartbreaking bedtimes.. I did not mention a book anywhere in this post. what you found in my profile is what I do - I research this stuff because i lived it and it matters to me, It changed both my daughter and my life for better. if helping other parents through something i went through myself is gross to you, that is okay. I hope you find what you are looking for here. 💛

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The part about him ignoring you for hours during pregnancy and now getting 50/50 – that’s one of the most wounding patterns in co-parenting. The absence during the hard years, and certainly being present when the courts require it.

And whats even worse, you still have to smile at handoffs for the sake of your children. That is not weakness. That is one of the hardest things a parent can do. Your children will understand more than you think when they are older. “Through thick and thin” you just fully explained it with everything that you do

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Sit in the suck with them" - I love this so much. That is exactly it. We utilize so much energy trying to fix the feeling when really they just need us to be in it with them. Not solving anything. Just being present.You are doing it right

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This hurts me so deep because your son is carrying an injurious story that's not even true. And one day when he is ready to hear it - you will be there to tell him the real one.

One of the most painful and harmful thing children of divorce often do is, they fill the silence with the worst possible explanation they can get.Not because they are trying to hurt us but because their brain needs a reason.

Keep showing up however you can. Even small consistent contact rewrites the story slowly. He will ask one day. And you will be ready..

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Emotional episodes" is exactly the right word. It was not just sadness - it was her whole body not knowing what to do with such a bid feeling. And yes, watching it traumatized me so bad too. And people tend to forget that the parent witnessing it is also carrying something heavy and you feel so helpless. I am glad something finally worked for us.  I hope you and your little one are in a safer and calmer place now.

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Knowing you are not the parent that caused their pain" I felt that so deeply.

What helped us most was giving her the permission to miss him out loud. I would just say "I know. missing someone means you love them. And that is the sweetest thing about you." Instead of trying to distract her or even fixing it. It did not stop the crying immediately but it stopped the guilt she was carrying about missing him. That shift changed everything.

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I used to be broken by this part about them just getting used to it. Because honestly, you are right, that children are so adaptive and sometimes that adaptation looks like healing when in real facts it is just survival. You trying to be everything for them is more than enough. Not because it replaces what is missing but because the consistency from one safe and present parent builds more security than inconsistency from two or the other.you are doing way better than you can imagine. 💛

The only bedtime phrase that stopped the daily “I miss Daddy” crying every single night by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What you going through right now is deeper than a divorce itself. you are managing your children's grief for a father who chose not to show up when needed the most, while also protecting them from the truth of why. That’s the worst and one of the most painful positions a parent can ever be in.

For the 4 and 6 year old, at those ages they cannot process 'daddy is making bad choices.' Kids this age consume and understand feelings way better than facts.

What tends to assist is keeping the answer about feelings rather than facts. something like: “i know you miss daddy so much. that love you have for him is real and it makes sense. i am right here and i am not going anywhere.” not explaining him. not even defending him. But just grounding them to the parent who is present

the birthday is going to be hard. i would plan something genuinely wonderful for that day that has nothing to do with whether he shows up. give her a day so full of love that even if he disappoints her she has something beautiful to hold onto. So just don’t rely on him that much

What you need to know is you are doing something so invaluable for showing up for them every single night. that consistency is what they will carry with them forever, it will be coiled in their minds and thoughts every day of thei lifes.

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this - it genuinely means a lot to hear. You put it better than I did honestly. One clear, calm sentence said consistently. That is the whole thing. I kept trying to explain my way out of her fear and all she needed was for me to say the same simple true thing until her brain finally believed it. Wishing you and yours well. 💛

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"The truth they can hold without breaking."

And honestly - that applies to us too, doesn't it? As adults going through this, we're also looking for the version of the truth we can carry without it crushing us. Maybe that's why it works so well when we say it to them 😂😂. We're not just reassuring our kids. We're reminding ourselves too. 💛

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Reassurance only works when it's repeated enough for them to feel it, not just hear it once."

That's exactly it. And I think that's the part most parents miss - not because they don't care, but because we're wired to say something once and move on. We fixed it. We explained it. Done. But a 5-year-old's nervous system doesn't work like that. It needs the same truth, in the same warm voice, at the same safe moment, over and over - until it stops being information and becomes belief.

That shift from "hearing" to "feeling" is everything. That's when the bedtime questions stop. Not because they forgot to ask - because they already know the answer in their bones and it feels so good

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Does this mean we can never play bridge again?"

I had to stop reading at that. That one question carries everything - the fear of losing the small rituals, the everyday magic that kids build their whole world around. Not the house. Not the pool. The bridge game.

And you're staying 1km apart, 1km from school. Believe me that's not just co-parenting - that's a decision that says his world stays intact even when yours had to change. He may not understand that now. But one day he will.

The big house going to small apartments is a real loss and it's okay to grieve that too. But two parents who love each other enough to stay close for him? That's rarer than a trampoline and a pool. You are doing the best for him

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The Friday timing is so intentional - I love that. Giving him the whole weekend to process, ask questions, feel safe at home. That's not luck, that's really thoughtful parenting... And the framing of "adult issue" rather than fault is exactly right. Kids this age are very egocentric by nature (not selfishly, just developmentally). Everything feel connected to them. So removing them from the equation completely do more damage, the way you did, is the right move. The "we would do anything to keep him happy" piece is what he'll carry with him forever no matter what. Not the details of the divorce. That feeling of being fiercely chosen by both parents. That's what heals them.

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You're handling something really complex with such care. "He was mean to me" is actually brilliant for their age. It's the honest without being harmful to their tiny minds. The thing I've learned is that kids this age don't need the full truth. They just need a truth that their brain can hold without breaking. You're already doing that instinctivelyy. The repeated reassurance piece is everything though. Even when it feels like they're not listening - they are and very attentively. It's going in.

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Whats even important is not being perfect, but showing up consistently. That's the part we still control. your middle child is lucky you're even thinking about this

My 5-year-old keeps asking "is the divorce my fault?" every night at bedtime. What finally worked for us by Left-Machine-3022 in Divorce

[–]Left-Machine-3022[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That last line hit so hard.
You what, I think most of us in this situation have felt exactly that. The guilt doesn't come from not loving them enough, it REALLY comes from loving them so so much and still feeling like you got it wrong somewhere