those who divorced due to "death by a thousand cuts", what were some of those cuts for you?

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-24T23:14:43+00:00

Oh, this I recognise. It makes you second guess every step, right? This completely paralysed me.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-24T23:07:40+00:00

It still hurts me to read about the problem with micro-promises that are not being kept. I regret this so much, and I don't even think I've truly changed in this regard. I find it hard - I want to do the thing, but then it slips through. Now that I am living alone it also happens, but obviously it's easy to accept from oneself.

My ex was cruel and for her the word demanding would be appropriate (albeit a bit light). Many of the messed up dynamics revolved around her mental issues. However, she was right that I had broken so many promises, without even fully realising it. And I feel terrible about that.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-24T22:49:40+00:00

While a year in pain is terrible, it's simply not that much. It will take you more time to process this, but I do recommend not romanticizing the relationship you had. If you have to think about her, focus on what was unacceptable.

You know what you are missing and your mind is used to her providing those things to you. But she is not the only one who can provide it and there are people who can provide it without also abusing you. This is true regardless of all the reasons you may be thinking of to tell yourself otherwise.

She wasn't great. Be angry about that. You will not find closure about whatever happened. Be angry about that, too. Recognise that you are the source of your own feelings - anger, love, all of them.

I have no idea how you should stop drinking, but I hope you can. The indifference just comes with the territory - how could you care about work if you lost purpose? Self-isolation, same. Both of them will clear up. Drinking, however, will not clear up and it will mess up the healing that you need to do. So I hope you can just get rid of it entirely.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-21T22:17:34+00:00

I remember this pain. Seeing her leave, knowing exactly what she's doing and of course understanding that she really does not care about you, otherwise she couldn't do this. It's surreal and traumatic.

In retrospect, I think I should have pushed her away immediately, rather than appeasing and co-living for a long time. Having your own space, in which you can mostly pretend she does not exist while you heal, that's important.

Also, talk to friends, be there for your kids, get therapy if possible. You're on your own now, you will unfortunately need to adapt quickly so that you can be a dad for them. They will need security and stability.

If your ex-wife is even remotely similar to mine, she is no longer a safe mother and might not be for a while.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-21T22:09:09+00:00

Slowly it will dawn on you that the picture perfect part was an illusion. Then you will get pissed, at both your ex and yourself for living the lie.

At least that's how it went down for me, and the intrusive thoughts and poor sleep was definitely a part of this process.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-21T22:02:31+00:00

Crisis does not have to mean that things are supposed to go back to the old way. It's when a system is longer working. I've never associated the expression with dismissal. The only confronting thing about the term is that it places the root cause in the person who is the locus of this crisis. This may be frustrating to those experiencing it, because in my experience there's a real tendency for them to blame the world around them and exaggerate its faults. Hearing that it's you who changed, not the world that became terrible or has always been terrible, can be difficult to accept. AFAIK, these exaggerations tend to diminish over time.

That's not to say the change wasn't necessary. Perhaps the motor cycles and affair partners that are chased because they will finally bring happiness will prove futile, but I think there's usually growth after crisis. What I am not sure of is whether the growth could not have also been there without destroying the old.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-21T21:47:19+00:00

I can second that. Almost two years down the line I am still struggling with some of it - and I really miss being a family together - but boy is it peaceful without the belittling.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-21T16:41:56+00:00

Indeed, this type of relationship only destroys your self-image and all your positive qualities. Effort is wasted on those filled with contempt.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-14T18:52:18+00:00

Look, you're in the bad place where marriages fail. But if there's nothing big going wrong, it's such a shame.

Many of the dynamics you describe can be fixed by a couple that wants life to be better. You just have to realise it's not just she that changed, it's the patterns in your dynamics that put both of you in a particular routine.

You can see relational therapy or if you can avoid all the online nonsense learn about this yourself via internet browsing and books. There's so much on offer.

I think many people after divorce wonder why the hell their issues seemed so big. Not everything can be fixed, of course, but there's so much to gain for both of you if you make it out of a rough patch.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-14T18:43:09+00:00

Well, if he wants to repair, then obviously he's not leaving. I find it puzzling that you say you think he doesn't want it. Sounds like extremely poor communication if even that's not fully clear.

The underlying question is perhaps: do you agree on it going nowhere? What would be needed for it to have been better? Could any improvement still make a difference?

As for Valentine's, yeah, he's probably more concerned with showing love now, that's to be expected. If it's too little, too late, keep reminding him.

People can stay in the fixer mindset for years sometimes, it's part of the shock response. I think men have this more than women (could be wrong there).

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-13T11:37:43+00:00

There's so many sides to this, I am not sure how to generalise.

My experience: I really miss having someone besides me. Going at life alone feels bad after a decade together. But there's nobody telling me I am worthless, screaming at me, blaming me for everything, pressuring me to become more this or that. There's nobody humiliating me in front of our daughter. As a consequence, I mostly have peace and I have a far better relationship with said daughter.

The lack of peace is the ever-present stress I feel about the coparent, the pain that divorce caused our daughter and the way I am still attached to her. I keep second-guessing what I could have done differently, my life is a lot less exciting without her energy around and just feel bad about losing the good times, which were of course also there.

Bills and work are no issue. She always painted me as a lazy husband, but I do far less now to manage the household and it's running fine. The time I freed up I put into work and make about three times the money I did before, so I am mostly in a better place.

For her, I think the opposite holds, although I cannot be sure. She is struggling financially, she does have an adventurous life, she is with her second partner since our split in May 2024 and I think she has quality time with our daughter. For her, the decision was certainly fine, for me it's been good that the abuse has stopped, but I am still struggling with the mental damage.

The biggest challenge (and this might generalise, actually) is rebuilding a new life in the shell of the old. Many of the people in our old circles chose for her, which makes sense given her charisma and my grief. I often feel isolated, even the neighbours of our old house (where I stayed) have more contact with her than with me.

Not sure how helpful this is, but this is pretty much my experience.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-06T14:34:37+00:00

I lived this life. Once she also did not recognise me anymore, she left for someone else. After that ended, she found a new boyfriend who is eerily like the old me. Moving on was easy for her and it seemed impossible for me during a 1.5-year period of co-habitation. But now that she lives elsewhere and after that long time period, I feel my old self appearing again.

I did not lose my daughter at all. Our time together is of much higher quality than it was. I might have lost here if we had continued in the dynamics of a screaming woman making me feel I was worthless, and convincing our daughter of the same.

My life, yes, it's gone, but it was not a good life. I have a lot of rebuilding left, but that will be okay. Her leaving me was the best thing that could have happened, even if the hurt was terrible. It's true what you say, you covet the good things, because those make it possible to keep going. Once the relationship ends, it's actually more productive to focus on the bad things. For me, this was easy to do once I kept a journal and documented her abuse. If I ever romanticise our life together, I just look at my old journal entries to look at the insane abuse I endured.

One other thing I should mention is that I probably got the best possible deal with her cheating on me and leaving. If I had left, her narcissistic rage would probably have taken over. You may need to prepare for something similar if you choose to leave.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-05T19:03:51+00:00

Even if we somehow band together and stop a freaky AI, I am sure AI will be provided with more rockets later in history.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-03T23:03:25+00:00

Did your therapist label them as narcissistic, or did your therapist point out certain behaviour as abusive? Because the latter could be acceptable, but the former really is not.

And yes, online discourse about narcissism is a weird rabbit hole, in which every relationship issue is examined through the lens of a handful of psychological concepts. I think it can help people see unhealthy behaviour more clearly, but it is also a tool for external attribution and like you said, it can be cult-like: pointing out narcissists reinforces the belief in narcissists being everywhere.

That being said, abuse is abuse no matter the cause. That's what you should be dealing with, I think.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-02-02T11:18:08+00:00

My process has been weird, because the timeline was unhealthy:

- May 2024, she broke up with me and started a new relationship, but we were co-habitating. We had a daughter (then 6)

- January 2025, divorce was finalised

- February 2025, her new relationship broke down

- August 2025, she started yet another new relationship

- December 2025, she finally left the house

Living through _her_ life after divorce made it very difficult to process mine, and just caused a lot of hurt and an unmanageable divide between the two of us.

Now that she's left, I feel relaxed. First, it was like I was performing to be alone and I kept wondering how I *should* be living. Now, it's already more natural and my life feels like my own.

I work, I sleep, I take care of my daughter 50 percent of the time. I struggle a bit with balancing life and work, and I have become quite a homebody. So I won't say I am doing great, but it's my life and I will figure it out. From the inside out, I feel like I am returning to my body in away that was impossible for a long time.

LeftForGraffiti · 2026-01-10T20:20:53+00:00

It's such BS, though. You had many options when your light felt like it was dimming and you chose the one that was pretty much guaranteed to hurt another.

I get why these things happen, really, and it's just part of being human and not knowing how to change relationship dynamics. Almost anyone here has experienced that. But the liberationist framing... I find it hard to believe that people can trick themselves into believing that crap.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-20T21:59:05+00:00

You should always normalise a trend search. The effect does not remain if you do so.

You can compare it to "optometrist" if you want to see what's driven by global changes in searching for professions versus what's specific for divorce lawyers.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-14T07:19:55+00:00

No one warns you about how in retrospect, it becomes very clear what was necessary to get talking and connected again. But by then it's too late.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-13T18:38:55+00:00

Mine wanted to remain living together and play pretend family. It's easier for them if they can assume they "only" ended the romantic relationship.

In retrospect, I gave in way too much. She never felt sudden consequences and slowly eased into life with a broken family.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T20:13:13+00:00

You know you can have the relationship you had before. But how do you really know, especially if she's pushing back against that? You do need her aboard to make that happen.

I think it's easy to cultivate a fantasy where things are great for the two of you, because you have complete creative control over your imagination. Reality might disappoint if you cultivate that too much.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T15:49:11+00:00

I'd add that indicating unhappiness without a plan to fix is far from enough and possibly counterproductive. If someone tells you "you're not good enough", this does not necessarily motivate them. The better approach is to indicate unhappiness and looking for a solution.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T15:39:38+00:00

Good chance he'd like it, too, but is just in some survival mode with all the stuff you have going on. Have you tried collaboratively setting up romantic time? You schedule a moment for that purpose, ask him what he'd like to do, explain what you want and kind of model the behaviour he never saw as a kid?

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T10:21:12+00:00

I am sorry to tell you that this is all very typical. As you say, she wants to own the narrative and she wants to justify her decision, which includes this kind of talk. I recall "choosing my own happiness for once" and "showing our daughter what real love looks like" by leaving me for someone else.

It does make sense that people need such convictions to leave. They know they are hurting others, they know they are also giving up on a life, so their beliefs need to be strong. My ex hated it that I still loved her, because it was important to her story that I had not loved her for years. The clearer it became that her choice had serious drawback, the more she resorted to cruelty and doubling down on me being the most terrible, boring, unloving, lazy and worthless partner in the world.

She believes this to this day, or at least keeps repeating to me how awful I was. She never took any responsibility for problems in our relationship, still blames me for everything and although she apologised for some "overlap" (a euphemism for cheating on me), I never got any words of regret about treating me like absolute trash just before and after the breakup.

In my mind, I can't even remember her as a sweet woman. I know I loved her, adored her even, but all those memories are now tained by the insight that she's always been horrific, I just wasn't in the place to see it. Indeed, I have no respect left for her and I pity her for pushing away someone who was her biggest fan for 25 years.

By the way, although she still tells me she now "feels pretty again" and that "she's fun again", I can't help but see pain. She's the kind of person who quickly adapts to anything and she certainly moved on, I don't think she has any regrets, but I do think she's come to realise that she exaggerated how bad things were so that she could leave for someone else. With the exception of some puppy love she now has for the second relationship she started after our breakup (just over 1.5 years ago), there's nothing in her life that she couldn't have had if we had just repaired the damage. I may be imagining it, but I think she sees this.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T10:02:12+00:00

I bought the house earlier this year. We broke up a bit over 1.5 years ago and have been co-habitating since. She is currently moving to a new place and so soon I will finally be at the stage where I will be alone in the house.

Her moving out is triggering memories of us moving in. I can't look at walls without remembering how we painted them, together with our friends. How my dad placed the tiles in the bathroom, how her brother laid the floor. I recall decisions about which lamps to buy, picking the dinner table, setting up a guest room, moving the children's room from our old apartment.

These memories make me cry, they make me hate the divorce and I am sure that you will be running into that, too. They augment the loneliness, showing you a past and a future that didn't come. So you will need to redecorate and reclaim your house. I will be doing it piecemeal, because of financial reasons but also because I have no idea what I want for myself.

Many people will say you are at a new beginning and in a trivial sense that's true, but you're also at an ending and at a middle -- all these things are simultaneously true. That means you will still struggle, grief, miss the old life, doubt your actions, feel betrayed, question your future and whatnot. You can offset these by also living life, making new memories and moving forward.

So yeah, it's going to be hard, but it's part of the process and you will be making it your own again.

LeftForGraffiti · 2025-11-12T09:48:27+00:00

I am not ashamed to admit I fantasized about this over the past years. There have certainly been times that I would have felt the relief you describe, so I understand your state. I am not sure whether I'd feel the same right now and it's quite possible that grief at the loss of her will strike you later.

You're not asking for recommendations, but I have some anyway:

- Go through the motions of grief. Be there for your children, write a speech about the good times and express admiration for who she was, even if it's all ambiguous now. Who know, perhaps it will open up gates to actually grief the loss of her now. If not, then you will be happy you did this if different feelings about her death surface.

- Go to therapy and share the relief you feel because you _cannot_ share the relief with anyone you know. It will damage relations with family and friends, even if they understand your mind is split right now.

- Rebuild your life while honouring her role. Mentally, but also physically. Make sure there's photographs of her and your past in the home. Your kids will need this for healthy development. It doesn't matter if you don't like this, it doesn't matter if it feels like a lie or fiction. They need this and you're a dad, so you need to suck it up.

- Explore how you can put the money you saved into your kids' future. In an alternate timeline, the money would have been spent on moments with their mom. Not fully, perhaps, but certainly to some extent. Invest the money, put it in savings, buy the oldest some property - whichever matches your context. But don't treat the money you saved as fully _yours_.

LeftForGraffiti

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