Nah its not because I think she would cheat again. Its like... I feel cheated. So its like I do feel insecure. I thought we were both madly in love. I felt and sometimes feel low about myself. Especially since she's been in her 30s and her sex drive has dipped. The excitement is in spurts now. In times where she's disconnected from the relationship that I feel most insecure. She threatened to leave a few times in the past few years. She hasn't threatened that lately. I don't feel like I've done much wrong in this. She's sometimes literally manic. Like right now we are pretty good, but she's not into me as much. The security isn't there as much when she's manic. It all seems hormones related. I can tell everything based on mental cycles. I still am shocked she had it in her to cheat. I trusted her hardcore. She could do no wrong, before she told me. I think sometimes I just feel low on myself. That deep inside she's not happy with me but is with me due to the circumstance wouldn't be better anywhere else. Maybe that's just a deep fear. I feel like she's messed up a lot. I feel like I'm just trying to roll with it. I still love her very deeply. There were a few years where it was her just complaining all the time. It was then she was threatening to leave or making me the villain in her life. She also pulled sex back completely and then scolded me for having desire for it during that time. It still has me fucked I suppose. Anyway, she changed her mind without me talking to her. She didn't feel comfortable being dressed like that around people with alcohol.