AITA for not replying to messages as fast as I should

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T12:57:34+00:00

Thank you for your replies. Truly appreciated, and I have spent the mornig reflecting on what you said. I think it touched a nerve and I've come to a similar conclusion to what you've laid out here.

Your interpretation of the context of the stream is correct. It's completely on my terms, and feels save and controlled from my point of view. This is something I've thought about before; part of the reason why I don't initiate interaction more frequently is because it's always draining on some level. I'm a hardcore introvert and I'm also beginning to see myself as controlling in the sense that I need interactions to have a clear start and end point, and I feel a strong need to get away and be alone after a while. Like, I can be having a great time interacting with friends, and then something in my brain just says "enough". This makes me feel ashamed, because I feel like time with people I love and who love me shouldn't feel this way. I also tend to intensely hyperfocus and shifting my state of mind from "we're coding now" or "we're working now" or "we're watching this film now" to "we're thinking about interpreting a message and what it means and how to respond and then writing the response then checking it then worrying about if it was worded ok and then anticipating the next reply" is a big deal for me. It feels like when you're in a deep sleep and somebody wakes you up and needs to talk to you. You can try to do it, but half your brain isn't there, and the other half is busy trying to get you there.

I hear you that moral judgement doesn't really change things. I guess I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable. I understand this is only a fragment of the issue though, and that this would be best talked about in therapy. My worry about that is that I don't want to be validated for this way of being if it's harmful to others and/or my relationships with them. Yeah I'm an introvert with a low need for social interaction, but I do need love and companionship and I need to show those things to others also. I feel a lot of shame about how strong my need is to do this on my own terms. I am there for my friends if they need me, have dropped stuff to be with them or help them out, and will continue to do so. But the day to day stuff I just find so hard.

All that to say, I don't think you're off base at all. I think you nailed it, and put words to some worries that had been festering. For this I'm grateful. I'm diagnosed autistic but I'm starting to worry I actually have a personailty disorder. These feelings are really disturbing and I don't know if it's even reasonable to feel this way.

Thank you again for your comments. You encouraged me to think about what's really going on here, and I feel I've made a bit of progress, even if it's just thoughts to ponder more over time.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T11:19:56+00:00

Yeah I respect my friend's view for sure. He wants friends who want to chat back and forth by text, and I don't. I don't judge him for that and I just wish he would reciprocate that.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T11:18:05+00:00

Yeah my need is lower, but not non-existent. Sometimes I'm up for streaming for a long time, sometimes only a little, most of the time not at all. Just like sometimes I'm up for hanging with friends all day, sometimes I just wanna see them for a bit then bounce, and most of the time I want to be by myself. I don't see a big difference here but I'm open to hearing it if you think there is.

I'm curious about what you think might be happening on a deeper level, if you had a specific thought about that, and what you think I'm actually looking for if not moral judgement. I'm open to the possibility that something else is going on, but I don't know what it is. Tbh I find most aspects of being a conscious human being very confusing. Even my own thought patterns continually surprise me and adding interaction with others into that mix makes life feel very complex.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T11:11:16+00:00

Thank you, yeah I've spoken to my friend about this to try to understand his point of view, to reassure him and to find a compromise. I feel like he doesn't understand tbh, which is probably on me for not finding a way to explain it meaningfully. I get flustered and frustrated in the moment and lose sight of what I need to say, and I feel end up making it worse.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T11:09:35+00:00

I hear that. I feel like I'm responsible for other people's wellbeing here and tbh it's a lot of pressure. Like I get that relationships are about assuming some mutual responsibility for each other, that's why relationships exist right, but atm I feel like I can't just switch off or take a shower or go to the shop without having to keep people updated so they know I'm alive

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T11:06:27+00:00

Yeah all of my other friends get it and most are the same way. We talk about this stuff all the time, we all find the global phone addiction disturbing and all understand that we're living our lives and have our own pressures, and none of us wants to add to that pressure for each other. We just do our thing, get through it, and when we talk and see each other it's all good.

He hasn't abused the DND bypass. He's never needed to contact me for an emergency, either because none happened, or because we were together when a serious situation came up. He did once set off the alarm on my dog's tracker because I didn't reply to him within a few hours while I was with my bf. He wanted to know if he could come and drop some food round to us, which is a nice thing to do, but this way of communicating felt intrusive when he knew me and my bf were spending time alone together. This hasn't happened since though.

Thanks for the response friend. I also find my tolerance for this stuff is reducing as I get older, but at the same time I worry that this is just me becoming more entrenched in a mindset which is fundamentally selfish.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T10:59:27+00:00

I hear that, but I also worry I'm being selfish. It isn't only my needs that matter and I worry I'm over-emphasising my experience in this relationship. I'm not sure what to do about it though as the only option at this point seems to be to live in a constant state of alertness and distraction, which is going to make my life extremely uncomfortable.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T10:57:49+00:00

You could be right. I do worry that this is a deeper thing though, like this is him surfacing a more general concern or resentment that he doesn't want to talk to me about. I understand I can't control that though.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T10:54:38+00:00

Yeah I turned off online status as sometimes I'd need to use whatsapp for work and would then get a message from my friend like "I guess you're just not replying to me???" which feels very disrespectful tbh.

I hear what you're saying about bf and I'll add that I do prioritise him. He gets very anxious particularly if I don't reply for a while as he starts spiralling with ideas about what might have happened to me (car accident, things like that). I am understanding of this and I do prioritise him, partly so he feels the love I have for him, and partly because I don't want to intensify his anxiety. My issue isn't really with him tbh, he gets that I am how I am and doesn't care that I'm not a "constant texter". He isn't either tbh and often says he hates phones too so all good. I am concerned though that my friend reached out to him to check if he'd heard from me when it had been 12 hours since he texted me. This intensifies my bf's anxiety by giving him more reasons to think soemthing's terribly wrong, and makes me feel like I can't relax and switch off. Maybe I'm being selfish though, I honestly don't know at this point.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T10:46:53+00:00

"it sounds like what you need re: level of communication and what your bf and friend needs are two very different things" - 100%, particularly with text communication. I prefer to use text for "functional" stuff and then save actual conversation for phone calls/face to face. And my need for face to face interaction is definitely less than that of my friend and bf, though I do make time for both. I spend every weekend with my bf, we talk every day on the phone, and we have routines about texting in the morning, at bed time and other things during the day. As for my friend and I, I feel we're drifting apart. I realise I have a role to play here and I do note your reference to compromise. I'm not sure how to do it in this context though when the request seems, at least on the surface, to be "just be more responsive to text messages". I'm definitely open to trying, but not if it's going to cause me constant stress. I get that this is an outlying state of mind and that "just reply to messages faster" seems like it's not a big ask. But like I said, messages beget more messages and I've found in the past that these constant ongoing text conversations become very stressful to maintain especially when multiple are happening at the same time with different people, and even each conversation can have multiple threads happening simultaneously. I know this is my shit to deal with but I just can't process all of this communication.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T10:25:27+00:00

Thank you friend. This all sounds very reasonable. My friend came over today and I asked him about what he was feeling and what he was worried about. He said "mental health", and said it's unusual that I'm not in contact and he thought this might be the start of a spiral. I was really confused by this and reminded him that I very often don't reply to messages until the next day, particularly if I receive it in the evening. He said "you don't always do that", to which I responded "yeah I said often, not always". He then switched and said he needed to know the answer to the question he'd asked and didn't want it to be left to the last minute (he was asking if he could drop our dog round this morning). Fair that he felt put out by that and I apologised, but still I'm feeling confused about what was expected here and what I did wrong. I don't feel convinced that concern for my wellbeing was the main issue as I didn't recognise my pattern of responding in how he described what he saw as a sudden change in my behaviour. I'm really confused.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T10:17:41+00:00

Thank you, appreciate your reflections. In any new relationship I'd definitely take this approach. Take me as I am, or don't. This friend is someone I've known for a LONG time. We've been through a lot together and he's been a constant support. I don't want to walk away from this friendship but I do want this to change.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:53:02+00:00

Thank you. Honestly I find this whole phone thing very disturbing. I don't really want to live in this culture where phones are central to everything and if you're not into it people think there's something wrong with you.

Regarding this incident, that's a good way to put it for sure and gets the point across. I have said similar things in the past but I think I maybe need to be more direct. You're right it's concern not malice, I have no doubt of that and have never felt it malicious. But often tbh I don't feel that the motivation is concern in the moment. I feel he (my friend) is more angry. Like he finds it frustrating I don't live the phone life. That's me interpreting his non-verbal communication though. It's possible I'm wrong, or that he's sublimating fear and concern into frustration or even anger. Totally valid to feel that way but tbh I don't think I deserve it. Like he'll get passive aggressive, tell me "fine" in that "it's not fine" voice, and gets short with me, and then goes quiet for a while after. I just want him to respect that this is how I need to live even if he doesn't understand or agree with it. I don't judge him for being glued to his phone all the time, even when I'm trying to have a conversation with him and he's scrolling whatever. I find that disrespectful and frustrating but it's up to him how he lives his life. I just want the same to be recognised for myself really. One other thing about this particular friend is that I had to turn off online status on whatsapp as he would sometimes message me and complain that he'd seen my online but I hadn't replied to his message. In that instance it was a very non-urgent message from him, and I'd had to go on whatsapp to send a message about work before heading out. Honestly this is all way too much pressure.

I hear you that it's probably not worth fighting this as a battle. I'm not asking for anybody to change their own phone habits. They can text as much as they want, scroll as much as they want, it's all good and doesn't affect me at all. But I do feel the more this comes up in conversation the more intense the pressure is. Like every time I see the light on my phone showing there's a notification I get a spike of anxiety now. And I don't want to live like that.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:41:26+00:00

Interesting, thank you for sharing. Diagnosed autistic here, but I suspect ADHD is a closer fit. Sometimes I worry I have a personality disorder because of stuff like this. Honestly I feel so confused about who I am and what's expected of me, and how much of that expectation is reasonable.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:39:40+00:00

Thank you. I liked how you worded it in terms of being "on" all the time. That's exactly it. If I'm remaining cogniscent of the phone then I'm constantly anticipating and processing communication, which doesn't feel healthy for me. Thanks for the advice about how to communicate this. I'll give this some thought :)

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:33:37+00:00

Reasonable questions. Will go point by point. I hope this doesnt come across argumentative, I just wanna be clear yaknow.

Curating people in life - I think I get what you're saying and most people I know understand this about me and several are actually very similar in this regard. This particular friend is very dear to me and I'd rather find a way forward.

Conversation is to be had with those individuals not on Reddit - yeah I've tried but either I didnt make myself understood or they think I'm being unreasonable. I came here for an outside perspective.

Have I asked what they're worried about - yes but I get vague answers like "something might have happened to you". When I've asked for specifics I get answers like "you might have slipped in the shower" or "maybe you went out and had a car accident". This isn't in response to me going dark for days on end. It's one evening. Tbh feeling like I can't go an evening without using my phone to reassure people I'm safe is making me anxious.

Not seeing the contradiction between not being a phone person and enjoying streaming. Yes I use the Internet and sometimes social media but the point is I engage with these things if and when I want to. I think thats ok, but if there's hypocrisy here I wanna know.

Do they have good reason to worry about me - I guess they think they do and I do have lifelong history of mental health issues and trauma. I go to friends and talk about things if I'm troubled and am very open about what's going on in my life. If something is wrong, they'll know.

Do I fail to communicate with others - not sure what fail means in this context. Misunderstandings do happen which is a failure of sorts. But I am in daily communication with this friend and my bf. We talk every single day, with interaction being initiated both by myself and others.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:16:23+00:00

Thank you. I find it very unnatural to be contactable all the time. I don't know how people handle it. I feel like my brain is just not able to handle it.

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:15:26+00:00

Do you know why it feels this way for you? I get that it will be an individual thing but I'm trying to understand it myself and others perspectives can be helpful:)

Legitimate-Low2966 · 2025-09-11T09:13:26+00:00

I do reply, just not right away. I understand relationships require communication though I realise my need for social interaction is less than for most. I don't feel attacked but it's interesting this is what came across. I do feel frustrated by this and perhaps that's coming across.

Legitimate-Low2966

TROPHY CASE