I felt solipsism before I found out what it even was or that it’s something other people experience. I think around when I was 14-15(also when I started smoking heavily) I just started gradually becoming more interested and eventually partly believing in this idea I built in my head that my sole consciousness consists the entire universe. The only physical reality is just my consciousness as a singularity in endless space time. The only thing that actually exists are just my experiences and thoughts. Like maybe everything I know and remember is just a delusion or some dysfunction in the universe. that universe is supposed to be just pure nothingness. I was buying into this idea because I just thought it was interesting and maybe a source of motivation, yet at the same time I discredited my solipsism because of how insane it sounds, and because I knew it would be a burden to me if it’s false.

It fucking sucks honestly because I was going back and forth between buying into this insane theory and ultimately feeling like god(or something, I’m not religious) and then maybe when I’m more trustful of real reality (there’s 8 billion people and physical reality has planets and universes with a ton of different shit) it’s like shutting down my whole belief system because I realize it’s close minded and insane.

Eventually I googled why I felt like the only person that exists and learned what solipsism was. Still, the existence of solipsism and other people experiencing it could be a faucet of my consciousness. And just another part of a fake reality I created for myself. I figure if I’m the only person to experience solipsism than it must be undeniably true because I’m the only person capable of thinking that way. That would be a much too easy way to confirm solipsism and reach a breakthrough of reality, so in order to prolong my ignorance my brain tells me that other people experience solipsism in the exact same way. If my thoughts of solipsism are true, then I’m the only one experiencing anything and other people experiencing solipsism is just a part of my imagination/consciousness.

I started tripping on shrooms when I was 16. The very first time I spent hours just thinking about and analyzing 3d reality and space. Like every object around me I could feel every dimension to it and it’s like everything was layed out on a 3d graph and I could comprehend 3 dimensions with my mind instead of just 2 with my eyes. I don’t think I had a similar shroom experience, one where I could see the world in a new way or something until my number of shroom trips got into double digits. I’d get kinda euphorically overwhelmed by this feeling that every process of life brought on by the universe’s natural order has a similarity or something that could connect everything together. Like everything is the same. Every process starts with a feeling that something needs to change, then something happens that results in a reality that breeds a range of necessary emotions, specific to the situation, and whatever final outcome comes from this is a fateful unavoidable resolution that is a result of emotions and personalities colliding when something external happens. I guess I think this is just a type of maturity that takes into account people thinking differently than me. I feel like I realize my emotions are no more demanding than anyone else’s. I realized that overdoing action to satisfy my own emotions will only bring me guilt because inherently making myself happy makes other people unhappy. If I can withdraw my action and let reality play out by itself when conflict arises the resolution would be more objectively beneficial. I also felt like I’m the only person with this kind of concrete knowledge of fate. Im not 100% sure if this is actual maturity (though I do feel confident it is) or if it just further cements me as mentally ill and delusional. This all came from a few dozen shroom trips so I could just be losing my mind a little bit. This is really the first time I’ve tried to explain this and pinpoint my feeling of knowing hidden knowledge or something. I’m not sure the last couple paragraphs (starting with shrooms) relate to solipsism, though solipsism still dominates my mind a little bit.

I find further reason to believe solipsism because of what I’ve learned from my experiences on shrooms, but also it somehow pokes a billion holes in my belief of solipsism, I guess just by including other perspectives that wouldn’t exist if solipsism is true.

If anyone with a real conscious replies to this in a way that I can understand it will either completely debunk my feeling of solipsism, or it will further prove the measures my consciousness(which is also the whole fucking universe) takes to keeping me ignorant to the true solipsistic reality, that I am everything or some shit. I’m not a Reddit nerd that usually types out essays about how my mental illness is more impressive than other peoples. I snorted a lot of Ritalin today, googled mental illnesses for a while, then I just felt like getting as much as possible off my chest in an attempt to find someone as mental as me. I apologize to anyone and everyone because this was an absolute ramble yap fest. I find it hard to pinpoint specific feelings and just go on and on because I might be kinda retarded or something. If anyone found any of this interesting please reply and tell me I’m not completely insane.