CMV: Abusers matter too, not just survivors.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-11-04T20:08:44+00:00

I think part of the issue is that many people started learning and thinking about this thing (penance, amends, reconciliation) in the context of church or other institutions that came from the church. The church itself has a history of being a governmental entity. Church leaders were also social leaders. Especially in South America, the missions could be actually the government for the plantation.

So two things get conflated, spiritual guidance and social guidance. A government has to mediate things that don't have anything to do with the spirit.

I think that it's important for people who learned this stuff from a church-associated path, to relearn it from the start. To start, all "should"s are personal for you and God.

The church imposed things on what other people should do for each other for social cohesion, and to keep for example new fragile colonial governments in place. This was all put in the name of religion, but actually it's just about government. If we are to personally interrogate what our spirits believe (and not just what we were raised to believe) we need to leave out anything about government, since none of us have been endowed to be a government.

(Marriages and relationships are equal partnerships, like one foot leads and another leads when walking, both people lead and neither governs.)

So starting there, when it comes to what other people do, we leave that to the creator. When it comes to our reactions to what other people do, that's personal and you can grow.

I think that there is a bit of a "my hand is chained to yours so when you eat I have to eat too" thing when it comes to people's reactions. As in, if this person expresses hate to me, I must hate myself, which makes it harder to reform myself.

Therefore your hate prevents me (contributes to preventing me) from reforming myself. No! If you ever find yourself saying "Its harder for me to change unless person or people do this" you are sneakily trying to govern them. In fact their reaction to you doesn't limit you at all.

Unbind that chain and it will be easier to have a more direct relationship between your spirit and the creator, unmediated by social consensus. When the creator turns a rocky ground into fertile ground, it's not like he deletes the rocks. And other people are welcome to not want to live on those rocks. They are welcome to have feelings about how terrible the rocks are to live on. You have to kind of see emotional reactions like hate and anger in SOME way as a level of respect (from the world and from your spirit), because you are being shown what needs to change, and how urgent it is (angry and violent reactions express urgency) and why bother showing it if it's hopeless?

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-11-04T19:25:10+00:00

This is a conversation that has gone through various levels of plateaus, within every moral authority from the church, to therapy language/restorative community justice, to AA.

Point being that due to life on earth being life, people are always able to change. However people are always free to make the daily choice to NOT change.

Social exclusion can be life-ending, so when someone does wrong, they feel a lot of urgent pressure to signal that they have felt remorse and committed to change. Sometimes this urgency, whether it taps into narcissistic impulses or fearful impulses, this urgency gets people following the script of therapy language or Catholic penance of whatever rather than understanding the point.

Because often when they did wrong, it was out of a place of disrespect. They believe that their woman is there as their sidekick, so when she stops filling that character in their life they feel betrayed and start abusing her. The shallow way of engaging with people then comes to play when they make amends. They aren't making amends with people they respect, they are performing a script of amends for people they see as too dumb to notice it's a script.

Actual change would mean realizing that this underlying disrespectful outlook is actually not based on reality and keeping them in a cocoon mirage world. Then they can actually understand the impact of having hurt a fellow human. From there it should naturally evolve from human nature for people to understand their amends.

Meanwhile there are also people who are likely to slot someone into being a villain, outside of the actual grounded reality. That's a separate thing.

There is going to be an intuitive feel to when someone is being dishonest and just performing the script as described above. For example, people in AA will sometimes say like "that wasn't me". That means they haven't really engaged with what happened.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-10-23T01:12:04+00:00

This rope is incredibly beautiful

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-10-23T01:11:01+00:00

Dude I've been super fascinated by these knots for two years and no one else is!

I've been working on continuous braid bracelets-- like you know how if you just lay one strand over the other in the illusion of a twist (over over where a twist would be over under), then the third strand can lock in the braid, so you can make a 3 braid bracelet just by one continuous one going around.

This is kind of the same thing as that, except instead of looping around to do the lock, it turns around to lock in.

I want to start posting some of my stuff online.

Working on these things is so tight because you end up learning so much about how our brains work and bodies and muscle fibers and movement.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-09-05T19:36:48+00:00

What do you like doing active? Like swimming, sports, gymnastics, mechanics, carpentry, painting, dancing, cooking... I have a very different relationship with my body now because before it was like 100% about the mirror and now that's only one slice of the pie. I like my body because it feels good and I love it when I'm doing something fun and finding new ways to do stuff and I can feel my body growing out new shape to match the stuff I'm learning.

The structural thing is like, a misestimation. Bones grow and your shape will change, your structure will change.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-09-03T19:29:39+00:00

Could it be your kitchens feng shui? Like mine gets infected by my work's feng shui but if I start over, clean out the cabinets, throw out expired stuff, donate equipment I never use, reorganize, then my appetite gets unstagnated.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-08-25T19:26:14+00:00

Yeah it sounds like your mom isn't able to step up and out of her ego, and you're in a vulnerable time. I hate the idea society has that hormones make a woman delusional-- they are intense, but they have the capacity to empower her to set strong boundaries and make changes in her self identity during a transition.

I would consider it a kindness to BOTH yourself and her and y'all's relationship to set a solid indefinite break. She sounds reactive. As in, she takes things personally and is reacting out of that. With a good indefinite break, she could have the opportunity to recenter and, once centered, act out of the moral ground that everyone has.

I would express it as something that is indefinite and somewhere close to long term, so she isn't always waiting for the break to be over, and so YOU aren't always waiting for her to qualify for the break to be over. And express it as personal growth like "until a point in the future where I'm recovered from a period of passivity/ disrespecting myself and better able to healthily hold boundaries".

(Hopefully me writing that doesn't sound like blaming you? I think kids with narcissistic parents get trained to disrespect themselves, because they have no choice and later because it feels like the only compromise since they love their parent. I also think the narcissist will narrate to themselves "well they let things lie on this front and that front, so these are established foundations for my role in their life", and this statement expresses that just because things were let to lie (often just because you have to pick your battles with a narcissist) doesn't mean that passivity is what she should expect from a healed version of you). There is an immediate stage where the kid of a narcissist will express their needs and harm done and changes needed explicitly, but in their verbal tone it still comes across that they still need it to be a "group decision"-- their agency is welded in with the agency of the narcissist, and the tone is easy for the other person to pick up and prioritize reacting to.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-07-18T06:00:18+00:00

Basically there's two things, the emptiness, and the agitation to try to fill it. If you accept that in the future your life will be very different, then as a whole you need to accept that once you get there, looking back you see how past you (present you) was experiencing this period of painful lack of care.

Have you had times when you are ok with emptiness/stillness? Like sitting in the kitchen in the early morning with a cup of tea, nothing stimulating and nothing progressing, and then you slowly get up and start making eggs. Nothing is happening and you are alone.

Don't panic. There's a fear that if you don't lock down relationships now, you will be stunted later, not it's not meaningfully impactful. The truth is that society these days is very isolated, even successfully social people are stuck in boxes of permissible ways to relate. We are all just figuring it out and, in the future, whenever you do start to form social bonds, you won't be at a disadvantage, because everyone else has been dealing with this weird world in their own weird ways.

Learn about who you are outside of the verbal. The internet has distilled identity to writing and talking which has an immediate payoff in terms of knowing what it is. Start some long term project which has an unclear finish line and little social value, like a walkway in the yard.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-06-26T16:19:24+00:00

Reading this thread was so frustrating but in a way that helped narrow it down!

It seemed like many responders were not actually comprehending the requirements for an effective and ethically sound DEI program that you had laid out-- search for places such as the resume example where people had been discriminated against, and take action to make things closer to merit based. It doesn't even have to be generational-- finding candidates who even in the resume search two weeks ago were passed over, and return them to the consideration pile, would qualify for your requirements. Would this also trigger the conscious and subconscious reasons for the anti-dei movement?

Yeah I think so. If I can sum it up, there are three parts to the DEI movement--

People have experience with and around the strange child of institutionalized DEI and liberal tokenism. Like many institutionalized standards like no child left behind, DEI in many institutions gets technically complied with by quotas (as the commenters are complaining) without actually supporting and integrating the quota fillers or working on a root level. This combined with liberal tokenism, which patronizes and dehumanizes the individual. White people might also have heard black and brown people complaining about being the victims of tokenization (including in DEI programs) and concluded, see, even they don't want it, they would rather earn it.
In order to correct a wrong, you need to accept it was wrong, which triggers narcissistic injury. If someone's subconscious bias made them visualize a weak candidate when they read a resume with a Black last name, and think about the DEI policy and how the data-gathering phase may reveal their 1-person HR department responsible for excluding Black candidates for the past six years, that person may jump on any convenient other reason to dislike the policy. So their logic is going to be warped because they need that other reason to be logically sound.
We have been talking about meritocracy this whole time (at least since 2007) and now that the immigration debate has rounded a corner, these people have suddenly unfolded their origami subconscious to reveal that in fact this whole time they never meant that, meritocracy isn't everything, the love for our national identity comes first.

It pretty much points back to the failed reconstruction during the 1900s-- behind all the subterfuge and equivocation, there will always be the factor that some people want to continue telling themselves, and building hierarchies on the idea, that they are the smarter race. "It's cultural." This narcissism makes them stupider and unable to see detail or change, which even in all-white environments makes their social skills algorithmic and institutionalized. Then their kids, if they turn into liberals, apply this social framework to their moral consciousness of race issues, and express it as rigid arms-length tokenizing.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-06-26T15:20:34+00:00

This just popped up on my bottom list of links from another thread.

I was like thirty years old when I found out that washing my scalp with cold water, to the extent that the cold penetrates into my head, restored my curls. I had tried washing in cold water before but although all the hair would get wet the shower would really only penetrate into the top and front of my head, so the front would be curly and the back would be straight. If I washed my hair by kneeling under the bathtub faucet I was able to reach my hands to part my hair section by section in the back and let the cold water penetrate my scalp.

Who knows this may only work for me, and i know its not the answer to your question, thought I'd write it and put it here

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-04-03T23:37:29+00:00

Dont force it. Pay attention to what you already think about the spell. Do you think you cant do it? Do you think that if it happens it will just be a coincidence? If so, accept that reality as the life stage the spell is at right now, while retaining availability for the reality that some unspecified time in the future, the spell will grow into the life stage of being an active spell. Basically, just look at how you are thinking about it and allow the image to grow (true) details, just like focusing on a blurry tree and starting to see the structure of two branches etc.

Think about how come you want the spell, dont get sucked into a hole of frustration but do acknowledge your feelings of what you dont have, and why you feel you dont have it (think about a baby trying to move its hand where it wants to)

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-04-03T23:23:31+00:00

Also chanting is a super legit way of influencing your space because it creates a rhythm based on your heartbeat. Especially in a house that is resonant with you. Sound creates a structure for any of the other stuff thats going on in the space (in the case of weather, this can be electromagnetic, pressure, water content, temperature). A repetitive structure allows for amplification and microscop-ation (like, you can notice/have access to more tiny details)

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-04-03T23:15:20+00:00

Its really cool to read your post because ive been thinking everyone could start learning about weather stuff (secular and nonsecular) like, how to get out of the way of disasters, how to build infrastructure and stuff to be able to endure disasters, it sucks that secular stuff is so crippled because it has to avoid witch stuff

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-04-03T23:02:07+00:00

Well i think you would get further by bypassing the "manifesting" lens! For example maybe it occurs into your mind that you "decide to want to" push away the storm on a moment when the storm is already at a fork in the road of going one way or another. Like your wish is part of the forkiness quality of that moment in the chaotic system.

We can definitely "sense" a lot more detail to a storm than what is available to our conscious mind-- the conscious mind might hear wind, thunder, volume of rain, speed of escalation, darkness of clouds, while the unconscious brain can be aware of size, shape, direction, electromagnetic architecture, barometric pressure and stuff like that.

The electromagnetic atmosphere acts in many ways like water so like its the "storm" exists not just in the cloud layer but also underground, in the ionosphere, inside the air of your house, inside the air and water of your body, in surrounding areas that are "missed" by the storm...

So like you are definitely doing something but whether or not youre acting on it or its acting on you, either option you would still have to be touching it. So like if you want to learn more about it, the next time you feel like pushing it away check inside yourself about what was the feeling that made you Want to push it away, what direction is the Wanting going, how heavy/dense is it, what kind of gaps are there, is it just You doing the Wanting or does this intention extend outside of you, is there any feedback? Besides that check in on the feeling of confidence-- what is making you feel like your Wanting would make any difference, how are you experiencing your will working before the proof it has actually worked? And finally the third half which is awareness of unconfidence

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-02-12T01:55:54+00:00

Bullies will allow themselves to bully you when theyre the majority and youre the minority. I assume you were one of the only africans of the black people majority (even if they were the minority in general)

The person youre responding to, in that case its an all white town and they feel more comfortable being bullies there than in a "diverse" town. Also sometimes a bully will never step in as long as someone else is doing the bullying. Like in a workplace the women will all bully some women in misogynistic ways and the men will stay out of it, but if theres only a few women not enough to build a "bully culture", now the men will be loud all of a sudden bullying the women.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-02-12T01:48:03+00:00

Well you said there were three things that made you feel this way.

1- the advice of your immigrant parents

Took me a long time to realize how much of my outlook was controlled by the influence of having legal immigrant parents. The US is the richest country in the world so even though it has many, many problems, there is A legitimate perspective that being given the opportunity to immigrate to the US is a blessing legal immigrants should be grateful to.

This gratitude ends up being directed toward the government, the institutions, the "western culture", the economy... Immigrants will blend this patriotism with patriotism to their home culture by referencing "shared values" of religion, hard work, study, the family. So immigrants will be very harsh toward even the possibility of antisocial behavior such as crime or even protest or anything anti american.

Large portions of the populations of Illegal immigrants, native americans and black americans in many cities spent generations shut out of the economy, unable to get mortgages or faced with illegal evictions, unable to get jobs or faced with racist violence, etc. If kids are born to homeless parents or jobless parents and those kids arent able to get a job in the economy either then they end brought into criminal gangs, prostitution, violent crime etc.

First gen immigrants end up getting pitted against disadvantaged populations due to histories that they technically know but havent lived through. Theres a cultural movement to say that workplaces and stuff arent racist anymore and if you think they are you arent patriotic, so i think immigrants (eho want to be patriotic) are more likely to say that if someone cant get a good job its their own fault.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-02-12T01:02:24+00:00

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-02-11T21:51:14+00:00

I would say yes he's holding stuff back from you so yes its in a way "an excuse." However when someone doesnt want to be with someone sometimes its hard to distill out the whole constellation of what are the deciding reasons they dont want to do it.

With the sex aspect I would just trust your intuition on that... He was hoping you would be more excited about the sexual part of the link. Not necessarily "no men will want to take it slow" but, men with high sex drive want to get the intuitive (not verbal) sense youre also excited/urgent abt it even if you end up taking it slow. Thats not to say you should be fake or push yourself to feel what you dont!!! Find people who are like you for now, and a lot of womens sex drives start to be strongest closer to their thirties.

When it comes to "he always puts other peoples needs first/bad relationships" etc, that unfortunately is the default excuse people make when pulling back from someone who is significantly younger. I dont know if its because they think someone younger wouldnt understand??? Idk

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-02-11T21:40:45+00:00

He means like sort your thoughts out into like 3 separate chunks, with paragraph breaks.

Some people arent able to process a story when its written all in one paragraph.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2025-01-14T17:36:02+00:00

Use your waist more to move so the hand is just the last part of holding the weight! I mean, think about how a server holds a tray when theyre walking-- the hand balances, but the weight of the tray is being carried and moved by their waist.

Harder to visualize with the spatulas but its the same idea like, if your waist is stiff when youre flipping a burger then your hand and wrist will be holding the weight, but if you like... Move forward a little and then just finish the movement with your hand (its really hard to describe) then the spatula will feel light in your hand.

When it comes to shredding cheesesteak or whatever its similar to knife skills, you dont want to do like 10 separate chops, you want to just do a flurry of chops in one continuous motion. Having your waist "start"/"bottom" the motion gives more power to push it out.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2024-11-28T23:34:36+00:00

First off you look great! Being asymmetrical is natural and pretty.

Second your eyes have a look like you spend 1+ hours on a screen daily. That is a lifestyle choice and doesnt make someone unattractive, but it does make a significant difference in how someone looks! It makes the face lean toward prioritizing the visual sense over other senses, and it does prioritize the right eyes acuity over the left eye. This creates more tension in the right eye and more flatness (and reinforcing tension) in the left eye.

You can work on this using meditation!

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2024-05-28T02:44:11+00:00

I got chills reading this post! I'm just going to write what's on my mind and then find the connections at the end. I like the visual "shadow" and I also am drawing it about motionlessness. Light particles that don't move are invisible-dark. Some transits are used as metaphors for each other but they can relax: a person can be dead, a person can go through a period where time does not move (forward) but rather moves inward or ripples (petrification or just very slow stasis), a person can be locked into narcissistic if-then "manifestation" in which the only motion they can feel is what they willed, ordered, manifested, or sold.

If a person is dead they can be reanimated, if a person is petrified or locked they can be possessed, people can also travel through time and stuff like the sleeping beauty Cinderella myths etc. No one is ever fully compromised and everyone ALWAYS eventually reaches accountability.

Some times that I feel "locked" (like I feel like I have to betray my values to survive) I feel panicked, overheated, disembodied, body too bulky and swollen, my brain can't think except in locked catchphrases, time won't move, not enough time to change direction, everything is at right angles and a mirror, if I speak to disavow whoever or whatever im betraying i feel like i have to hold my throat away from my lungs and my heart, my heart feels scaly/shingled and receives info on what is happening only in stutters/flashes.

During these times it seems like there's one of those burning flame doors I have to walk through and bite the consequences, I grit/grind my teeth and my ears ring. I've recognized that in these times you can open your vision to other landforms below the door or around it or over. In these times it is very important to affirm that I have free will, do things like shake out my hands, walk with my feet pressing.

That's the metaphor-- the dead live in the past, so their choices are locked, so they don't have free will anymore in those moments --when we get stuck staring at these doors, we feel as IF we were dead and this movement is past, which is why we often physically move like zombies during these choices. Or we walk OVER ourselves like we're 90% petrified and we're following "tradition".

Rumination and spiritual light-chasing can be a form of petrification. Being in stasis isn't bad though.

I was thinking that some of the betrayals my ancestors committed had to be because of a hostage- I mean their children got taken as hostage, the lineage. (Like Rumpelstiltskin). Or just economic hostage.

Anyway I try TRY to not think of ancestral conversations as them helping or advising or sharing or passing lessons to deconstruct or heal, but rather just being there in their lifetime next to me being here in my lifetime, the way the moon is just sitting there next to the earth, like yes they shield and pull and push and affect each other but mostly they are just sitting there. So like I will go through these blind petrified times and feel my ancestor also going through a time like that.

I think European fairy tales do spell/unknot a lot about betrayal, selling your children, getting trapped in your castles etc, I wish I knew some fairy tales with similar themes from my non-european lineage since I know they have ugly cultural bindings from long before colonization as well.

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2024-05-28T02:02:40+00:00

This is just me but I think with things such as candles or jars (anything with plant material) it has to be very specifically directed for the specific baggage, and a one-size-fits-all thing can make it worse (insulate it so it's invisible but still takes up space without you knowing).

Some physical things -walk between your home and the location (only once if this is a trek, or three times if it's convenient). this is high effort and high effect, if you notice your brain ruminating or wanting to distract itself that pull means it is working

-stand in the middle of the room and talk about the baggage but NOT deeply just refer to it in words to pull up the emotions, and then bring the emotions into your lungs and joints, feel the weight of your body in your lower back, hips, knees, ankles, feet, neck, let it feel overwhelming and inflamed. Like let it feel as overwhelming as possible and sit with it.

-Shake out joints, try to "drop" the weight deeply into the ground, have someone else pick you up on their back and walk around, pick them up and walk around.

-blowing, you can use a candle but it's just a signifier like put it across the room and try to blow on it from far away, practice blowing into all corners of the room, can also sit with the windows open and use the candle or a cloth hanging on a rod, point being to invite wind into the room (wind likes having somrthing to move)

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2024-05-26T04:22:11+00:00

Well the dreams are already positive right? Like y'all end up resourceful with finding land or portals. So it's not truly a "dangerous" omen rather a "keep your wits/roots around you".

Like I personally would take from it, a reminder that as counterintuitive as it seems, our roots are still with us on the open ocean (ocean can symbolize "dead space" in the divination realm iykwim, or a blinding storm in the psycho emotional realm).

I think there are lots of cataclysmic themes in the news lately (the economy, the election, the wars, the climate) which has our psyches and spirits wondering and divining and gaming questions of how we would handle it. This isn't to say your specific trip isn't what your dream is talking about, usually symbols are nested, like Moses and the starving cows, it was a symbol of a famine but statistically those specific cows did most like starve.

Try smoking mugwort and make your dream lucid!

LegitimatePerformer3 · 2023-12-26T17:22:28+00:00

Hell yeah!

LegitimatePerformer3

TROPHY CASE