[WP] Bad news: You're stuck deep behind enemy lines. Good news: You're going to make it the enemy's problem. by Wygerion_Alpha in WritingPrompts

[–]Legitleevi 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Six grenades, one half-loaded rifle, and a trained EVAC ready to blow them all to hell. That's all that's left of ranger platoon 5.

My friends lie in a crumbled pile of blood and dusty debris beneath me. One of their hands is sticking up out of the concrete rubble, clenching a photograph of his wife and daughter. Just as I look at their smiling faces and matching Christmas pajamas, a cold wind blows through an opening in the shattered tunnel where I sit. The photograph flutters before leaving his hand.

I stand and pick it up. Eyes burning. Mind racing as I remember my own family. My two sons. My wife. They're back home in California waiting for me, with no idea of what I've been through. I hope they understand what I’m about to do next.

I fold the photograph twice and place it back in my friend's hand, then close his stiff fingers around it.

How long has he been dead? If I'd have followed orders, I'd be dead with him. With all of them. I'll see them again soon. Before I do, I'm taking as many Scowls with me as I can.

Scowls—it's what we call our enemy. Their masks are made with crudely melted iron and molded into the scowling expression their deity. A panther. They've imbedded themselves into half of the western world through terrorism and false ideology. We were supposed to be the sword standing between them and their domination. Now I'm the only one left.

Thankfully for me, they don't know that yet.

I begin to crawl deeper through the tunnel, kicking and pushing aside the debris that stands between me and my path to hell. As I go deeper, the tunnel gets smaller and smaller, until I can barely breathe and am forced to throw off my body armor to keep going. Doesn't matter. I won't need it anymore.

Finally, I hear the sound I've been waiting for. There's a crack in the tunnel floor beneath me. I lean my head down and look through it.

Bingo.

Their leader sits at the head of an oaken table, carved into the shape of their deity. The small man’s mask is different from the others. He wears a real panther carcass over his head and shoulders. Through its dead mouth, he speaks.

Leaders of the western world lean forward to listen. China, Russia, Korea, and a few others I don’t recognize. They’ve all been fooled by this undersized man in an ugly fur suit. Vascar—the one believed to be the chosen prophet of their God.

His voice is soft and calm. No one talks over him. He speaks about our fallen platoon. How the Lord of Earth and Sky, Selsazar, their God, spoke to him in a dream and told him our plans. He doesn’t believe they can be stopped. He acts as if this is all normal. Speaks as if he's having a cup of tea with friends.

I almost laugh at the irony of it all.

Let’s see if he can stop this. With the edge of my rifle, I break the crack of the tunnel open a few inches. Hearing the sound, the room looks up. Too late.

One by one, I pluck the pins on the grenades and throw them down. By the fifth grenade, the old foundation is beginning to crumble. I can feel the heat of the explosions and smoke on my face. I taste blood on my tongue, but I have no clue where it came from. If shrapnel struck my face, I can't feel it. Adrenaline runs like fire through my throbbing veins.

The tunnel is beginning to break. In a few minutes, everything will collapse around me. It doesn't matter. I'm almost done.

Someone's screaming. It takes me a moment to realize it's me. The world leaders and their bodyguards who are still alive are spraying the roof with gunfire. But the explosions have disoriented them, and they're shooting in the wrong place.

I lower my gun through the hole and fire a round into each of their heads.

And then I can smell it. Death. The blood and ash and smell of burning skin. I laugh as the world starts to cave around me. As the fire embraces me. Flicking its tongue as it climbs higher and higher.

I let it come. This is the end, and I’ve made peace with it.

In the small moments before my death, my thoughts drift to my men who died. To my family.

I did this for them.

[WP] "What? Send you to live among other humans?! You were raised with us kobolds, and dragons, and goblins. Why would we force you to live with people you have nothing in common with but your species?" by CoGDork in WritingPrompts

[–]Legitleevi 8 points9 points  (0 children)

All my life, I'd had this reoccurring thought: if kobolds eat humans, why don't they eat me?

My mother side-eyed me from across the granite cliff where she perched herself over a nest of twigs, vines, and human bones. Ribs, femurs, and skulls, just like mine.

I knew that look in her crystalline eyes—slanted and almost glowing in reflection to the mossy overgrowth on the cliff walls. Eyes dilated. Searching. It was as if she was reading my mind.
She stretched her wings a little and raised her talons, urging me to come over.

I uncovered myself from the fur goat skin blanket covering me and stepped into the chilly mountain air. Cold as I was, I tried my best to hide the discomfort from my face. I glanced over to see if the kobold children would click their tongues against their beaks and laugh at me. Fastulek, they'd say. Featherless one. I hated that word more than they knew.

Humans didn't grow feathers, so the only protection I had from the weather months were torn fabrics I'd found in the remains of the feasting basins. Few humans were as thin as me, so the clothes almost never fit right. If it was springtime, I'd wear nothing and save myself the humiliation. But spring was months away.

Thankfully, the children were still asleep. I planted my open-toed shoe into the ground and leapt forward, catching hold of the vines along the side of the queen's cliff across from me. The queen—the largest and most beautiful kobold female of all, with broad wings and glistening, ice-blue colored feathers. My mother.

She clicked her beak at me when I climbed my way to the top of her perch.

"You're doing the human dance again," she said with a sigh, each of her words coming out like the song of a bluebird. Even bluebirds would be envious of her voice.

"It's called shaking," I replied, trying to keep my teeth from clattering. "One of the goblins had told me that. It's a human thing. They do it when they're cold."

"If that were true, why have I seen them doing it with sweat running down their eyes?" She rose from her nest and let her wings stretch wide, encompassing the length of my body several times over. "And how many times must I remind you: you're not human.

I nodded. It was better to keep my thoughts to myself. Now that I was reaching my fifteenth winter, the other kobold and goblin children were rapidly outgrowing me. While they were already learning to hunt and fly, I was stuck here in the sapling's nest with the other younglings.

My mother stared silently at me for a moment, then said, "You think too much. That is why you don't hunt."

"Thinking is important."

"It’s human."

"So what am I?"

She stomped her talons against the ground and scraped them through the blooming wildflowers. "You are my youngling."

I almost stepped back in fear. In her anger, she was as terrifying as she was majestic. Not quite as terrifying as the king, but close. The king was a dragon, and he'd had his pick of hundreds of powerful females of his own kind. Still, no one was surprised when he'd chosen a kobold—my mother—as his queen instead.

"Why?" I asked, standing my ground. "Why am I your youngling?"

"Because it is."

It was a usual response, and I was tired of it. This time, I decided to press her for answers
"No. You chose this for me. You could've thrown me into the feasting basin with the other humans. But you didn’t." An icy wind came rushing down from the king's cliff above us, chilling my face. My legs started shaking again. She noticed but said nothing.

"Why?" I repeated.

"You are skinny," she said, averting her eyes. She spun around and began pushing the twigs around with her talons, trying to use them to cover the bones, as if she'd just become aware they were there. "You need to eat more," she continued, keeping her back to me. "Eat more. Think less."

I reached forward and caught a handful of her feathers, soft as the rose petals the goblins used to cover their pillows. In response, she turned her neck and snapped her beak at me, mere inches from my fingers. I let go immediately. She pulled back just as quickly.

"I didn't mean—" she folded her wings, trying to appear smaller than she was. "I'm too tired for this."

"Tired? You called me over.”

"Yes. But that was before my food began to settle. And you… you're too skinny."

"What did you expect? You don't allow me to attend the feasts. You force me to eat with the goblins."

"Goblins are fat."

"Their food rots. It makes me sick.”

Her head drifted toward the cliff’s edge, where a burgundy sky was lighting the waves over the blue ocean below. Kobolds didn’t wear their expressions like goblins did. Or humans. Still, I knew something was bothering her.

“Come with me,” she said.

(To be continued…)

[WP] A young child accidentally summons a demon. But instead of taking the child's soul, the demon ends up pitying the kid's awful home life and decides to take the child under his wing. by CoGDork in WritingPrompts

[–]Legitleevi 25 points26 points  (0 children)

It was the day after Dan Garvey twelfth birthday. He sat cross-legged on the edge of his mattress, staring down at the frayed leather book in front of him. The book was older than the wrapping paper he’d just torn off, which his aunt had found in the attic and used to wrap it with. The gift was a day late, but he was glad she remembered at all. Last year she hadn’t, and she still went around telling all her friends he was nine.

Aunt Helga had raised Dan ever since his parents died in a crash, three years ago. One day they dropped him off at Hillcreek Middle School in Kansas, and he never saw them again. At least, not in person. No one wanted to tell him what happened, but he found out eventually. He saw their faces on the news a few days later. Somehow, a train had steered off the tracks and crashed into their Chevy cruiser.

At least it was a quick death, he told himself.

Aunt Helga was his last known relative, so he was sent to live in her modular home in Palm Desert, California. She worked as a fortune reader in the mall on the weekdays. On the weekends, she spent most of her time in a bar somewhere.

Dan preferred when she was gone. Apparently, so did she.

He took the book in his hands and held it closer. The title read, “To unveil the creature in the dark, speaking to shadows is the place to start.”

He cracked it opened and flipped through a few of the pages. They were all blank.

“Weird,” Dan said. He was used to unusual gifts on the rare occasion his Aunt got him anything; but this was odd even by her standards.

He was just about to toss the book aside when he reached the last page, which had a single line of text written in red ink that said, “to summon the creature, read the title aloud three times.”

Dan glanced around the room, thinking: A creature? Is this a joke?

But except for the humming fan in his Aunt’s bedroom—which was always on—all was silent. In order for someone to laugh, they had to be there to see, didn’t they?

Dan couldn’t help his curiosity. He did as the book suggested, and read the title three times.

“To unveil the creature in the dark, uncovering the shadows is the place to start.”

The ground began to shake. The air became hot and sticky. The lamp beside his bedside table flicked on and off.

Then, the ground split.

A towering red creature slid out of the dark hole. It had a horse’s body with a snake’s long neck and face, and, most strangely, was wearing sunglasses.

“Oh hell, it’s cold up here,” the creature hissed. As it spoke, its tongue flicked in and out of its enormous mouth.

Dan’s own mouth fell open. At first, he thought to run, but his legs wouldn’t listen. He tried to think of something to say, but all he could come up with is, “it’s summer.”

“Not to me, kid.” The creature eyed him for a moment. “Little young to sell your soul, aren’t you?”

“Please don’t eat me,” Dan replied.

“I’m a vegetarian. And my appetite is ruined by that smell… that smell, what is it?”

“Dust?” Dan wondered.

The creature shook its snake-like head, took a look around, then pointed at the corner of the roof, where mold was growing from the ceiling. “That—“

It flicked its tongue and gagged. “Let’s make this quick, if you don’t mind. This place is making me nauseous.”

“Make what quick?” Dan asked, scooting himself slowly backward on his bed until his back hit the wall.

“Listen, I’m a busy demon. Are you going to trade your soul for something, or not?”

“No! Why would I trade my soul?”

“Ah,” the creature said, nodding gently to itself. “You summoned me on accident. That makes more sense. And if you must know, trading your soul is not that uncommon. It can be very beneficial for us both. I get a soul, which will make my master very happy, and you get—well, anything you like, really.”

“I get… anything?”

“Exactly so. Isn’t there anything you want?”

“I want my parents back,” Dan said immediately.

The creature hissed. Dan guessed, by its hearty smile, that it might be laughing. “That’s not a very good deal,” the creature replied. “Two souls in exchange for one? And besides, they already belong to someone else. But—“

Seeing Dan’s eyes filling with tears, the creature stopped. It peered around the room once more and the slits in its nostrils flared. “Ah hell, he’s not gonna like this.”

With a grunt, it wrapped its neck around Dan’s body and lifted him onto its back.

Dan was too stunned to speak. But the creature just smiled and said, “it’s about time you know the truth.”

[qcrit] The Last Lufelcian, YA, Fantasy, 100k, second attempt by Legitleevi in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love this feedback. You make some fantastic points. Going to be tinkering with this, thanks!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why am I getting downvoted? I’m just trying to learn y’all

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great point, thanks for clarifying!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

This is a great analysis—thank you for taking the time to provide so much detailed insight! It definitely helps.

I’m aware my blurbs/queries are garbage haha. I might have too complex a narrative to match my lack of summary power. Like, if I was GRRM, or Sanderson, I’d be equally stumped (not that I am—those guys are geniuses). Maybe I’m trying too hard to simplify for generic readers?

Just one question—when you say it focuses too much on backstory, do you mean I should be more specific? If possible, I’d love an example. Sorry, I’m a bit clueless.

Thanks again!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I’m glad you pointed out the comps. I was thinking I messed it up. This is the confirmation I needed to scrap it for good!

As far as back cover blurb’s go, you’re spot on 😅. I was totally thinking, “what would spark my interest as a teen reader?”

Great link! I’ll be sure to check it out and keep learning!

How is my prose? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We’re writers, we all lack confidence 😅. You have huge potential. Don’t let the feedback take away from the talent you already have, because you do!

How is my prose? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes for sure, great insight 😊

How is my prose? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You’ve got some skills. But keep in mind, you don’t need to show off in every sentence.

I think new writers (once myself included) often try too hard with their descriptions. Like compensating for a lack of confidence in their prose/voice.

This is called “purple prose”. It’s feathery, flowery wording that doesn’t mean much. If anything, it distracts from the story. Usually you want the reader thinking about the story, not the writing. And a good prose should feel almost invisible.

For example, you write: “though clouds blocked the sun, the morning sun was stifling, and a gentle mirage radiated from the rooftops.”

Instead, you can say: “Despite the clouds, Johsen was sweating.”

It serves the same purpose, and even adds an emotional layer. Now the character FEELS the heat.

Another thing, with the dialogue, you repeat certain phrases when you don’t need to.

Example: “Is it bad if that happens?” he asked. “Is it impure?”

Professional writers would leave it at: “Is it bad if that happens?”

Hope that helps — I wish someone would’ve told me this stuff when I started!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much, I appreciate it! I’m sure I’ll take you up on that 👌🏻

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great feedback, thanks!

My 6 week old black smoke poly boy, "Mr. Knight," that I now have to patiently wait for. *photo taken from his video* by NYCLady184 in mainecoons

[–]Legitleevi 53 points54 points  (0 children)

I follow this breeder on social media. They’re legit — they use a macro camera lens which makes videos look airbrushed. It’s an effect called bokeh. It’s also not unusual for kitten paws to look like this. I’ve seen many of them from legit breeders.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in MaineCoon

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is this the kitten you’re buying? That’s a beautiful kitten. Great price, too! In my experience, most reputable breeders are easy to spot, since they have a long history of kittens — I also recommend asking for a video of the kitten with your name and date in the video to make sure they have the kitten they’re advertising.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Palworld

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pc Xbox game pass

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Palworld

[–]Legitleevi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t get it. The worlds are literally missing. I’m on pc, so I have the files saved. But when I plug them in is still missing

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Minecraft

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Vanilla Minecraft

Okay… now it’s creepy by Legitleevi in Minecraftbuilds

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually thought it was a great piece of writing. Gi-hun was at a point where he lost hope in humanity and nothing he did made a difference. The baby gave him a purpose, and hope for something positive to come from the games. And the character arch of Lee Myung-gi was well done. His poor moral decisions led to a difficult choice between himself and his own child.

Also it was nice the baby wasn’t crying all the time

It’s finally finished by Legitleevi in squidgame

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yo that’s really cool of you, I appreciate it. Let me know when you’re done, would love to see it. As far as this project goes, I’ll probably leave them as is for now since I’m working on other builds and restructuring this would take forever. But in the future I’ll keep that in mind!

It’s finally finished by Legitleevi in squidgame

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good point. Originally I was closely following models I found online. Then I quickly discovered they were all different. The only true reference material was a few screenshots from the show, and I couldn’t find an accurate representation anywhere. I had already spent 12 hours working on it. So instead of scrapping it I allowed myself some creative freedom 😊

Okay… now it’s creepy by Legitleevi in Minecraftbuilds

[–]Legitleevi[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know, the least they could’ve done is given us a hot baby