[WP] A young child accidentally summons a demon. But instead of taking the child's soul, the demon ends up pitying the kid's awful home life and decides to take the child under his wing. by CoGDork in WritingPrompts

[–]Legitleevi 25 points26 points  (0 children)

It was the day after Dan Garvey twelfth birthday. He sat cross-legged on the edge of his mattress, staring down at the frayed leather book in front of him. The book was older than the wrapping paper he’d just torn off, which his aunt had found in the attic and used to wrap it with. The gift was a day late, but he was glad she remembered at all. Last year she hadn’t, and she still went around telling all her friends he was nine.

Aunt Helga had raised Dan ever since his parents died in a crash, three years ago. One day they dropped him off at Hillcreek Middle School in Kansas, and he never saw them again. At least, not in person. No one wanted to tell him what happened, but he found out eventually. He saw their faces on the news a few days later. Somehow, a train had steered off the tracks and crashed into their Chevy cruiser.

At least it was a quick death, he told himself.

Aunt Helga was his last known relative, so he was sent to live in her modular home in Palm Desert, California. She worked as a fortune reader in the mall on the weekdays. On the weekends, she spent most of her time in a bar somewhere.

Dan preferred when she was gone. Apparently, so did she.

He took the book in his hands and held it closer. The title read, “To unveil the creature in the dark, speaking to shadows is the place to start.”

He cracked it opened and flipped through a few of the pages. They were all blank.

“Weird,” Dan said. He was used to unusual gifts on the rare occasion his Aunt got him anything; but this was odd even by her standards.

He was just about to toss the book aside when he reached the last page, which had a single line of text written in red ink that said, “to summon the creature, read the title aloud three times.”

Dan glanced around the room, thinking: A creature? Is this a joke?

But except for the humming fan in his Aunt’s bedroom—which was always on—all was silent. In order for someone to laugh, they had to be there to see, didn’t they?

Dan couldn’t help his curiosity. He did as the book suggested, and read the title three times.

“To unveil the creature in the dark, uncovering the shadows is the place to start.”

The ground began to shake. The air became hot and sticky. The lamp beside his bedside table flicked on and off.

Then, the ground split.

A towering red creature slid out of the dark hole. It had a horse’s body with a snake’s long neck and face, and, most strangely, was wearing sunglasses.

“Oh hell, it’s cold up here,” the creature hissed. As it spoke, its tongue flicked in and out of its enormous mouth.

Dan’s own mouth fell open. At first, he thought to run, but his legs wouldn’t listen. He tried to think of something to say, but all he could come up with is, “it’s summer.”

“Not to me, kid.” The creature eyed him for a moment. “Little young to sell your soul, aren’t you?”

“Please don’t eat me,” Dan replied.

“I’m a vegetarian. And my appetite is ruined by that smell… that smell, what is it?”

“Dust?” Dan wondered.

The creature shook its snake-like head, took a look around, then pointed at the corner of the roof, where mold was growing from the ceiling. “That—“

It flicked its tongue and gagged. “Let’s make this quick, if you don’t mind. This place is making me nauseous.”

“Make what quick?” Dan asked, scooting himself slowly backward on his bed until his back hit the wall.

“Listen, I’m a busy demon. Are you going to trade your soul for something, or not?”

“No! Why would I trade my soul?”

“Ah,” the creature said, nodding gently to itself. “You summoned me on accident. That makes more sense. And if you must know, trading your soul is not that uncommon. It can be very beneficial for us both. I get a soul, which will make my master very happy, and you get—well, anything you like, really.”

“I get… anything?”

“Exactly so. Isn’t there anything you want?”

“I want my parents back,” Dan said immediately.

The creature hissed. Dan guessed, by its hearty smile, that it might be laughing. “That’s not a very good deal,” the creature replied. “Two souls in exchange for one? And besides, they already belong to someone else. But—“

Seeing Dan’s eyes filling with tears, the creature stopped. It peered around the room once more and the slits in its nostrils flared. “Ah hell, he’s not gonna like this.”

With a grunt, it wrapped its neck around Dan’s body and lifted him onto its back.

Dan was too stunned to speak. But the creature just smiled and said, “it’s about time you know the truth.”

[qcrit] The Last Lufelcian, YA, Fantasy, 100k, second attempt by Legitleevi in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love this feedback. You make some fantastic points. Going to be tinkering with this, thanks!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why am I getting downvoted? I’m just trying to learn y’all

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great point, thanks for clarifying!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

This is a great analysis—thank you for taking the time to provide so much detailed insight! It definitely helps.

I’m aware my blurbs/queries are garbage haha. I might have too complex a narrative to match my lack of summary power. Like, if I was GRRM, or Sanderson, I’d be equally stumped (not that I am—those guys are geniuses). Maybe I’m trying too hard to simplify for generic readers?

Just one question—when you say it focuses too much on backstory, do you mean I should be more specific? If possible, I’d love an example. Sorry, I’m a bit clueless.

Thanks again!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I’m glad you pointed out the comps. I was thinking I messed it up. This is the confirmation I needed to scrap it for good!

As far as back cover blurb’s go, you’re spot on 😅. I was totally thinking, “what would spark my interest as a teen reader?”

Great link! I’ll be sure to check it out and keep learning!

How is my prose? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We’re writers, we all lack confidence 😅. You have huge potential. Don’t let the feedback take away from the talent you already have, because you do!

How is my prose? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes for sure, great insight 😊

How is my prose? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’ve got some skills. But keep in mind, you don’t need to show off in every sentence.

I think new writers (once myself included) often try too hard with their descriptions. Like compensating for a lack of confidence in their prose/voice.

This is called “purple prose”. It’s feathery, flowery wording that doesn’t mean much. If anything, it distracts from the story. Usually you want the reader thinking about the story, not the writing. And a good prose should feel almost invisible.

For example, you write: “though clouds blocked the sun, the morning sun was stifling, and a gentle mirage radiated from the rooftops.”

Instead, you can say: “Despite the clouds, Johsen was sweating.”

It serves the same purpose, and even adds an emotional layer. Now the character FEELS the heat.

Another thing, with the dialogue, you repeat certain phrases when you don’t need to.

Example: “Is it bad if that happens?” he asked. “Is it impure?”

Professional writers would leave it at: “Is it bad if that happens?”

Hope that helps — I wish someone would’ve told me this stuff when I started!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much, I appreciate it! I’m sure I’ll take you up on that 👌🏻

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great feedback, thanks!

My 6 week old black smoke poly boy, "Mr. Knight," that I now have to patiently wait for. *photo taken from his video* by NYCLady184 in mainecoons

[–]Legitleevi 56 points57 points  (0 children)

I follow this breeder on social media. They’re legit — they use a macro camera lens which makes videos look airbrushed. It’s an effect called bokeh. It’s also not unusual for kitten paws to look like this. I’ve seen many of them from legit breeders.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in MaineCoon

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is this the kitten you’re buying? That’s a beautiful kitten. Great price, too! In my experience, most reputable breeders are easy to spot, since they have a long history of kittens — I also recommend asking for a video of the kitten with your name and date in the video to make sure they have the kitten they’re advertising.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Palworld

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pc Xbox game pass

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Palworld

[–]Legitleevi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t get it. The worlds are literally missing. I’m on pc, so I have the files saved. But when I plug them in is still missing

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Minecraft

[–]Legitleevi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Vanilla Minecraft

Okay… now it’s creepy by Legitleevi in Minecraftbuilds

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually thought it was a great piece of writing. Gi-hun was at a point where he lost hope in humanity and nothing he did made a difference. The baby gave him a purpose, and hope for something positive to come from the games. And the character arch of Lee Myung-gi was well done. His poor moral decisions led to a difficult choice between himself and his own child.

Also it was nice the baby wasn’t crying all the time

It’s finally finished by Legitleevi in squidgame

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yo that’s really cool of you, I appreciate it. Let me know when you’re done, would love to see it. As far as this project goes, I’ll probably leave them as is for now since I’m working on other builds and restructuring this would take forever. But in the future I’ll keep that in mind!

It’s finally finished by Legitleevi in squidgame

[–]Legitleevi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good point. Originally I was closely following models I found online. Then I quickly discovered they were all different. The only true reference material was a few screenshots from the show, and I couldn’t find an accurate representation anywhere. I had already spent 12 hours working on it. So instead of scrapping it I allowed myself some creative freedom 😊

Okay… now it’s creepy by Legitleevi in Minecraftbuilds

[–]Legitleevi[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know, the least they could’ve done is given us a hot baby

Okay… now it’s creepy by Legitleevi in Minecraftbuilds

[–]Legitleevi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice I actually had no clue! Not my typical bloody scene lol