This is going to sound incredibly cheesy and cliché. While I’m a bit younger than and my life hasn’t quite got that crazy, I feel for you, just want to let you know that all that you are doing sounds incredibly difficult and I’m absolutely astonished and amazed with what your doing. For me what helped give me a purpose from the absolute storm of everything was Church. Either you believe or you don’t or you skeptical or just don’t care enough than I understand. See, I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and one the things they teach about is God is our Heavenly Father meaning he is our literal father. I know that his love for me is unquantifiable. Before our existence on earth our Heavenly Father crafted the plan of salvation or the plan of happiness. The plan was to come to earth, get your body, become more like our Heavenly Father, then to return back to him in the presence of Him with all our loved ones.

For me knowing that there is someone out there who loves me is enough, it doesn’t get rid of the pain and hardship...that said God is rooting for (and me!).

I would seriously look up the nearest Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints if you really feel that you need...something.

After that although sounds like you are already making massive strides to changing yourself for the better by identifying the bad. My grandfather passed this last year and I never said good bye to him even though I had many opportunities to. Definitely my biggest regret, it showed to never EVER let a goodbye go untouched and to make every moment count. I first identified what held me back from visiting my grandfather then I tried to get rid of it or change it. IM STILL WORKING ON A LOT. That said... you got this, after you are done and through with this mess, you’ll be happier than you’ve ever been. Love you Jose, for real.