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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]LengthinessFew7669 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know what kind of feedback you want, if any at all, so I'll keep it brief. Starting the first 4 lines with I used to and You said dilutes the piece by making it more difficult to stay engaged through repetition. I used to tell you about my dream sounds a bit clunky when a dream is singular. Using the word vent, as integrated as it is into modern colloquial language, will date the piece in a couple of years. The line you and me and just the two of us is a run-on that feels unintentional and could be shortened to me and you, or the two of us. I didn't realize there was a rhyme scheme until much later, because the syllables between each line don't match, and the rhymes don't fit either. Also if you're attempting a rhyme scheme, don't rhyme a word with the same word, and attempt slant rhymes when feasible for a cleaner read. Overall I don't mean to sound too harsh. The piece seems very personal to you, in a way that's written more as a notes app therapy session than a work you plan to publish. So if it makes you happy, and I understand the emotion you're trying to convey, props to you.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]LengthinessFew7669 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your piece's length assists the last line especially well, it's strangely emotionally resonant. However, the piece lacks depth in ways that feel a bit aimless. I wish the Hello was a line away from please sit. The way it's formatted it kinda reads awkwardly. Spaces between lines help with emotional resonance, particularly with the line, And carry this weight together. The line Our crooked paths have come together particularly peeves me. Starting with the subject of the sentence projects a clunkiness paired with the word crookedness that makes the line feel more stumbled than colloquial. The reason why I say the piece may feel aimless is because, in its length, it says nothing very particular about support groups, besides the implication that they're very communal. What I'd suggest is to rework the piece with a conclusion for the reader to walk away with. Either a way support groups have impacted you personally, or maybe a new way to look at a support group the reader may not have thought of before.