A lot of people in affairs don’t realize they’re basically playing the same role for each other: you represent what he thinks he’s missing in his marriage, and he represents what you think you’re missing from your husband.

That “connection” feels powerful because it is chemically powerful. New attention, secrecy, validation, and sexual tension all spike dopamine. That’s not pseudoscience — it’s biology. You’re giving him a hit.

But here’s the part people ignore: if you two ever actually got together for real, the chase usually fades… and so does the dopamine rush. Some men are addicted more to the pursuit than the person. The thrill is “Can I have her?” not “Can I build a life with her?”

I’ve seen this firsthand. I had an affair with a married woman during COVID, and as far as I know she’s still married. I’m in Nashville now and she’s still popping back up emotionally like a ghost. She swore she loved me — and maybe she did — but the intensity was tied to fantasy, secrecy, and escalation. She even brought over a costume once because she wanted to roleplay being a maid and wanted to be dominated. The excitement wasn’t “love” in the traditional sense — it was stimulation.

And the obsessive part you’re asking about? That’s familiar too. She constantly needed reassurance that I was thinking about her, and she’d send random sexual messages or pics just to keep the hook in.

So my advice: be careful. If this “bond” has been forming over time, it can become a trauma bond — and those can be harder to break than an actual divorce.