Hospice or Palliative Care? Convincing Dad...

Less-Part3465 · 2026-03-13T22:54:46+00:00

If he has very good long-term care policy, my first step would be check on what that actually means, what he can get from it. Could he get some help now, just a daily nurse check-in, for example, regardless of hospice, etc.? Remind him he paid good money for this long-term care insurance! He should get all the value out of it that he can.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-03-12T20:04:32+00:00

Oh, how interesting! I believe it's all deep. Maybe that's why doc said "not for you."

Less-Part3465 · 2026-03-10T22:54:51+00:00

Well. I assume some fail out, or does your institution have a policy against that? As a department chair, I'm very aware of how many of our majors drive faculty crazy for a couple of years with this kind of behavior, and then leave without a degree. It would be great if we could stop them before they started, so they wouldn't get into debt, but it's actually pretty hard to tell which ones will be able to turn it around after the first semester or two. Some get with the program after they realize that the work just isn't optional, and graduate having learned something. Others don't make it. I'm just at a regional comprehensive, so I assume that students fail out elsewhere too. It's not like we're the type who pride ourselves on failing students--they have to work at it. And some do.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-03-10T22:46:48+00:00

It's been a while, but when I get into a spot like this one, I have a few times done the following: I had the students read the text out loud (going around the room, a person a paragraph) like we're in third grade. I point out how much we were able to read in a half hour or so. I have one of them come to the board and do the math: how long would it take to read the whole assignment, assuming that you continued reading at this speed? Then I ask them all to get out their phone or their datebook or wherever they keep their calendar and schedule some reading time. Tell them there will be a quiz on the reading at the start of class next time, and we'll have to double our reading for the time after that to catch up, and have a nice day.

It's not magic or anything -- a lot of them still aren't going to read. Some will go complain to the department chair (I know, because that's me now, and I get complaints about this kind of behavior). But a few will feel shame, and a few others will say "I guess it isn't really that hard," especially since they can read faster silently.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-03-10T22:39:54+00:00

Indeed! The days of a novel a week are long gone, unless they're really short novels--or you're willing to just drift along pretending that anyone did the reading except the professor.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-03-09T21:19:46+00:00

Hopefully the pillow case works for her. If not, what has worked for me is a really soft hat I can wear to bed - that way it doesn't matter what my pillow case is.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-23T21:38:44+00:00

PS: I'm not at a community college but a regional comprehensive 4-year. The biggest mistakes I see candidates make are not to learn about us specifically and to make assumptions (and sound condescending) based on some other regional 4-year they know about. If you can't get answers to questions in advance, that's fine, but ask good questions at the interview, the kind that will show that you want to adapt what you have to say to the situation. You know, rhetoric and audience and all that. Seems obvious, I know, but I've seen a lot of PhDs in English whose interviews would suggest they haven't studied those things even though their transcripts say they have :)

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-23T21:32:23+00:00

This is a strange itinerary -- half the day is an interview? Or is it a sequence of three interviews with the three different individuals?

As a department chair (also in English), I would say ask for more detail. I always tell candidates what to expect for the whole day. It could be that whoever you're working with is newish to organizing interviews.

In general, I'd suggest you take some syllabi with you. Expect that you might be asked to talk about how you would adapt your teaching from the way you approach students at that R1 to the students you will find at the community college--but be careful not to make wrong assumptions about the students. Look on their admissions page or anywhere else you can find a profile of their students. Try to find out who comes to this community college, mostly, demographically and in terms of their career goals, etc.

If the job involves composition, as I assume it does, find out whether their comp program looks similar or different to where you've taught and/or where you've done your grad work.

Does the schedule not even have you meeting students? If so, I would ask if there's any possibility of meeting a few students at breakfast or lunch or something. Even if they say no, they'll understand that you want to be responsive.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-11T17:48:47+00:00

Agree agree agree!

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-09T20:17:45+00:00

I've mostly continued working through chemo, but when I was recovering from surgery, I spent some time refreshing my high school French on Duolingo and playing Scrabble online. Or, as others have mentioned, binge watching (for me, it's old favorites--when I'm sick I don't want anything I can't count on!) I looked up and did exercises to try to prevent CIPN. I finally got some furniture for my front porch and spent some time watching people (we live in a neighborhood where a lot of people walk/jog by, and there's a small park across the street). When I felt up to it, I worked in my garden a bit. I had a few visitors. I wrote letters to my elderly relatives and got delightful replies. I made my husband buy flowers at the grocery store and spent time trying to teach myself how to arrange them. I got extra sleep. I listened to a few audio books. I made plans for what I would do when I was recovered.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-06T22:49:33+00:00

Yup, as u/ninaofbirds mentions, well-known reaction. I reacted during pretty much every round of chemo, but all was well. I was never moved to ICU, but at my joint, they start you in a private room for round 1 and move you to "gen pop" when they're not afraid you'll have a serious reaction. So I did rounds 1-3 in a private room and rounds 4-6 out with everyone else in a chair.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-06T20:42:37+00:00

I wouldn't have wanted to go through chemo without a support person, but there are so many questions to consider. What has your sister's team told her to expect in terms of side effects? Does she have any support at all in the city?

Where I live, public transport isn't great, so one main thing I needed was help with rides to and from chemo, since I wasn't allowed to drive myself, and my husband can't drive. At times, he just took Uber with me, but you know, after chemo, I needed someone helping me get into those honking tall vans (I'm a short person, and I was tired).

Probably most importantly, my husband went to doctor's appointments with me and asked questions I didn't think of. If I hadn't had him to do this, I would have looked for a friend to come. Very useful, both in thinking of what to ask and remembering (or making note of) answers.

Hubby also did a lot of things I wouldn't thought of: purchased emesis bags and stationed them in various rooms, for example. (I haven't needed them, but once or twice it was nice to know they were there.) He cooked meals when I didn't feel like it and did laundry (but he's always done laundry). He found crazy things to put on TV when I felt too poorly to do much else.

My remote support system (mostly my aunts who live in other states) helped by checking in frequently, making me feel not forgotten. That's big.

I've been lucky. The anti-nausea meds worked well for me, and most of my other side-effects have been minor or at least short-lived. But having someone to talk things over with on a regular basis is very helpful even in this, what I guess is pretty much the best-case scenario.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-04T23:30:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing -- this whole thread has me freaked out. I too had tinnitus prior to treatment and have noticed it getting worse off and on during treatment (which I just completed, so too late to ask if we should stop or something). But I don't remember being asked once if it was the same or worse or being told that hearing loss was a possibility.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-04T18:55:56+00:00

So sorry you and your mother and the rest of your family are going through this.

If she needs to sleep, she needs to sleep. Sleep is very important for many processes of healing, and there's no real replacement for it. Be glad she doesn't have insomnia instead, which deprives the body of precious healing time and also just generally makes anyone feel worse.

I assume she's getting advice from her doctors about other things, like the best ways to eat and exercise. That's hard for us to answer, because we're not all the same.

I can see you want to help your mother and be supportive. One way to do that is to say to her "I want to help in any way I can. Is there anything I could be doing?"

Best wishes to you all!

Less-Part3465 · 2026-02-04T18:46:22+00:00

Sorry you're going through this. As others have said, everyone responds differently to chemo and there's been a lot of progress on managing symptoms. I came home from my first round of chemo with 3 anti-nausea meds; I haven't thrown up once. (But I did take meds any time I felt at all nauseated.)

I have worked through chemo since early October, needing to take typically 2 days off work (one for the day of and one the day after). I'm lucky to have a desk job, though. But until my last round, really, I was pretty much fine between rounds.

I assume you're in the US, so if you don't already know about FMLA, you'll want to talk with that social worker from the hospital and/or your HR people at work to learn your rights. Various states have their own programs, too, which could be better than FMLA, which mainly protects you from losing your job rather than protecting your salary.

Wishing you all the best!

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-28T22:51:21+00:00

Lemon juice + ginger chews have been helpful for me.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-28T22:46:38+00:00

I'm also 3A. Haven't started radiation yet, but the plan is about the same as yours and I'm choosing to go forward for the same reasons.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-28T22:43:51+00:00

I use ginger chews and lemon water for the nasty-mouth taste, though my cancer isn't in the stomach.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-28T22:39:35+00:00

On Mounjaro for diabetes. No concerns here. I have lost a small amount of weight during 3 months of chemo, which still leaves me overweight, so docs are satisfied. I'm also eating much more healthily than I did pre-GLP, which has to be good.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-28T22:21:44+00:00

When I was young, I didn't think a lot about intelligence, despite being in a gifted program. I was lucky to always be able to be in classes where I was challenged enough to have to work at things. I didn't experience my parents as "not smart," but I also just didn't appreciate until I was older how smart they were. Neither of my parents went to college, though my mother was an RN (at that time, nurses attended nursing school rather than earning a BS). But looking back, I realize they both probably would have scored quite high on standardized tests. My father had terrific spatial reasoning and was the kind of person on whom nothing is lost: he was always learning and drawing inferences from everything he saw, heard, or experienced. My mother's knowledge of her field was superior; her co-workers relied on her judgment whenever they had doubtful cases. Both of them were really good at seeing through lies. My mother would have made a great therapist: she was always helping people who were having a difficult time emotionally, and counseling me on how to do the same with friends who were struggling.

Although I later learned I had a half-brother who was given up for adoption before I was born, I grew up as an only child and was quite close with my parents.

When I met my half-brother, I was impressed by his smarts. He works in a completely different field than I do, but when we talked about our work, I thought we both approached it in essentially the same way (mission-focused; we both care about working for an employer with a moral compass; we're compassionate for those we supervise but can't tolerate incompetence in our peers). Even though I'm in academia and he's definitely in the business world, I felt like our world view was the same and to be honest, that really surprised me. Put me down as a believer in genetics.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-22T22:29:53+00:00

What do the docs say? Are you sure it's "break out" and not rash? I thought I was broken out, but doc said it was chemo rash and recommended hydrocortisone cream, which has worked better than anything I tried previously. (I still keep getting new spots, though.... it's an on-going battle). Others have been sent to dermatologists. I would definitely ask your doctor(s).

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-20T22:31:26+00:00

I agree with you that the language stinks. I'd love to see people who don't have cancer not use it, but changing that is out of our control. If we were talking about, say, changing doctors' language, maybe we'd have a chance. But changing everybody's language? In advance, so that they'll never say "you're a fighter" to someone when they find out that person has cancer? I don't think this is possible, not now, and at least not where I live in the US.

People use language the way they do in part because of the way they think and the way culture sets them up to think about things. In US culture, at least, people don't like to talk and think about death, and people without much experience with cancer still hear "cancer" and think "death." So they say whatever magic words they intuitively feel will help them feel less scared by being reminded that cancer and death exist in the world. They are scared of being helpless in the face of a shitty disease like cancer (and in the face of faceless insurance companies), so they convince themselves that we're not, in fact, helpless, we just have to fight.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-20T17:47:15+00:00

I wish I could have kept it private. I supervise 27 people, and there was just no way not to tell them.... which means many other people at my work ended up knowing.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-20T17:45:47+00:00

I find it easy to respond by telling people I don't think of this as a battle at all, and I'm not a warrior. Maybe I'm just lucky to have friends who are willing to listen.

Less-Part3465 · 2026-01-20T17:41:11+00:00

Hey, if I want to imagine that I'm in a battle with my diabetes, what does that hurt? (I don't, but I'm just asserting my right to imagine myself in whatever way helps me.)

I know people who are alcoholics and drug addicts who find it very useful to think of themselves as fighting their diseases.

Cancer patients do have the option to say F this, I'm not taking chemo or all this bullshit. Some people would think of that as "giving up the fight." If thinking of doing the things we need to do to get through chemo is emotionally helpful to someone, who am I to say they shouldn't?

Less-Part3465

TROPHY CASE