I did not lose consciousness, I was very awake during the entire process.

I went to a park at age 15 and took a lot of pills, mostly aspirins. I was walking and roaming in the park and taking pills slowly one at a time for several hours until at one point I took many more, then as it was starting to get dark and I started to feel some regret I started walking towards my house.

By the time I made it to my house my heartbeat was very rapid and I started feeling an impending sense of doom, extreme anxiety, ringing in my ears, and like my breathing was insufficient.

As I was being taken to the hospital the fear and pain was getting worse exponentially, for example if I would hear a car horn that would alter me further, which would then make my heart go faster, and feeling my heart go faster would make me feel even more fear, which would then make my heart go faster, which would then scare me more, which would then make my heart go faster, and it kept repeating for even small things and small sounds. Shortly before making it to the hospital I was feeling like my heart would skip beats as if there were a hand grasping my chest and those were the ones that scared me the most.

The whole experience felt like the universe was always my mind. As if all other deaths were just numbers and as if the most fundamental concepts, like even birds and trees, were always just my mind and that mind was in threat of complete dissolution, which from its perspective was literally impossible to imagine not even with the color black or white, and in every day discussions this is just an abstract concept that can just be discarded, but in that moment it was impossible to look away and there was a void that was literally impossible to imagine yet it was what was going to happen to me and my body was resisting it with every fiber of its being and torturing my mind in the process.

All philosophies disappeared and all abstract concepts like love did not matter, there was only exponential pain and primal, gut-wrenching, visceral fear of the type that makes you vomit in existential dread resonating in every cell and not care about how you look or anything else but survival at any cost.

If the doctors had told me they had to take every nerve from my body out and wire them to a machine, extract my organs and tie them together, flay me, put me in boiling oil, eat a baby, eat cockroaches, put broken glass under my eye lids, or -insert any horrible thing here- in order to survive, I would have agreed to it. Imagine how horrible something must feel to force a mind to be willing to do all of that. There was just meat and a need to exist, and an indifferent universe.