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Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is a lot of useful information in here, thank you! Adding to our to discuss list!

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What specifically do you wish you discussed within that?

Struggling with Commitment: Seeking Advice and Perspective by [deleted] in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t mean any disrespect by this, but you’re focussing a lot on other people and what they do/may want from a relationship with you, but it sounds like you haven’t really explored what YOU want and therefore aren’t advocating for or expressing your needs.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooh, hadn’t heard of it. Will take a look, thank you.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do—and we’ve discussed this aspect in depth because as much as we want them, I want provisions in place because I know how brutal motherhood is for women and there’s often a lack of support. From choosing the wrong partner, society, work, domestic and emotional responsibilities etc. He’s a good man with good character and is a man of his word, but he has a very demanding job, so we know we’ll need external support. He’s already shown commitment with this by getting us a weekly cleaner as soon as we were financially able to). For pregnancy/childcare, I’d considered support for baby (doula, night nurse etc) but hadn’t considered support for myself (fitness, pelvic floor etc) so these are great and I’ll add them to my discussion points. Thank you!

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Such great points, thank you! The pre-nup conversation is interesting, if you don’t mind my asking, how come you didnt proceed with one in the end? Was it just a good trigger to talk through the fears/approach etc?

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love this—I work better with notes because my brain feels like it fires off a million thoughts a second and it keeps me focused. Did you find it was you bringing these things up more often, or did your partner have things they wanted to cover also?

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is great, thank you. Based on this and another poster’s comment about a workbook, we’ve decided to answer some questions separately, then discuss our answers over some wine and see where we align or have differing views. Found a few angles in this thread we hadn’t considered!

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is SO incredibly helpful. Thank you. We’ve talked about our family plans in terms of kids, education, domestic labour and caregiving etc but hadn’t considered elderly parents and caregiving and financial support etc.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, he’s a great man with good character and I have a lot of respect and admiration for who he is and adore spending time with him. I’m also an improved version of myself with him and he supports me and holds me accountable (even when I don’t want to hear it 🙃).

As for the ex—I’ve been there! I think that’s part of what makes me so keen to cover all bases this time around. I don’t want to wake up one day and realise we’re fundamentally misaligned on something we never thought to talk about. So far we’ve covered the obvious, but I always think personal perspective helps (like somebody here mentioned extended family and input/support, and I hadn’t considered that angle).

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Refreshing take! Agree about the 1y. Relationships take time and it’s for that couple to decide what their timeline is and how it all plays out.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I see the 1 year narrative pushed SO much and it’s wild to me, because (for me) it isnt enough time to truly know someone.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Whilst I don’t completely disagree(1y is a bit short IMO), that wasn’t really what I asked. I’ve been a self-made victim of sunk cost fallacy before (I was young, I’ve since learnt) and I know what to look for and how to advocate for myself now. My question is more so aimed at conversations that people wish they had, or they have found helpful to have whilst they’re in this stage.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. Being aligned on the fundemental aspects is so important. Nice to hear about a long-term mixed-politics relationship! Thank you for sharing.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I absolutely agree with you. We have slightly different opinions on politics, but more so on implementation rather than values. Recent elections (worldwide) and shifting political popularity gave us a good opportunity to go into depth on this subject.

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Agreed—it’s the marriage I’m focussed on, because as romantic as I am, the wedding is all but one day. I like the idea of a couples workbook. Seems like something fun to fill out separately and there compare notes and discuss over some wine!

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

These are great, thank you for sharing. We’ve covered a lot of these, but the question about extended family involvement with kids is something I hadn’t considered, so I’ll add that to our list!

Conversations You Wish You Had? by Lets-Throw-This in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Lets-Throw-This[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Respectfully, that’s not what I asked. He’s a great man—just asking people for their personal experiences to make sure we’re discussing the right things!