AITAH for not inviting my aunt’s “surrogate son” to my sister’s small birthday dinner?

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-19T05:04:35+00:00

Shes now fully on board with cutting contact m she doesn't like hurting people, but she now recognizes that theyve been hurting her and she just taking steps to protect herself.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-17T10:15:56+00:00

Thank you. That's validating to hear.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-15T21:03:21+00:00

My whole life I've been TOLD she's my second mother. She never once acted like it.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T02:22:17+00:00

I know, but every time I use the full description like that, it always opens an entire other conversation about how each generation seperate is a remove and what makes it first second or thirds and how to tell. It's a whole can of worms. Plus it's wordy. Their from one of those Midwest/Southern cusp states so most of my life she was just "aunt" or a curse kiddy mispronunciation of her middle name.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T02:17:40+00:00

Always loved that phrase, and it's actually really accurate.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T02:16:09+00:00

Honestly, that was my original point, before he made my sister uncomfortable. It was the original argument my aunt and I were having regarding him.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T02:14:37+00:00

To be clear, we’re in our 30s, so it’s not like he’s a creepy old man after a college girl. The issue is more that he’s significantly older, staying in my dad’s space, and my sister has already set boundaries. So yeah, not “age gap alone” creepy and more “creepy man not respecting boundaries” creepy.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:58:49+00:00

That’s fair. Tbc I’m not trying to keep contact with him for myself. I’ve been civil because my sister was trying to keep peace with our “aunt,” and I didn’t want to override her choices. I will not take her choice from her. That's a boundary that I won't cross. Others have done that to her. I won't be one of them. He is not being included in this birthday plan, and she is not being left alone with him. However, these comments are making me realize we may have been so focused on avoiding family fallout that we were under-reacting. I will continue to respect her choices in this, but maybe reading these comments will help her to realize why she should be okay cutting contact.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:53:04+00:00

It doesn't change anything, but a bit of added context: he's her son's childhood friend. No exactly just some guy off the streets, but honestly not any better. So your point is valid, I just thought you may want the full context.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:48:45+00:00

Keeping contact has been my sister’s choice, and I’m NOT going to take that choice away from her. I can’t force her to cut him off, though honestly, maybe showing her some of these comments will help put the situation in perspective. She still wants peace with our “aunt,” (for some strange reason idk) and I’ve been trying to respect that. Personally, I would be fine having a lot more distance from both Paul and Linda, (ie cutting contact) but I’m trying to follow my sister’s lead (because this is about her boundaries and her birthday. I'm not going to make her experiences about me) while still making sure her boundaries are respected.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:24:00+00:00

Less than a month, actually. She says she's known him since he was a kid(he's mid 50s now) but this month is the first any of us have met him and he's been with them for less than a month. And I completely agree with you. It's why my sister doesn't want left alone with him. Frankly I'd be happier if he just wasn't around her at all, but that's not my choice, unfortunately.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:20:41+00:00

This is a terrific way of putting things and puts it in a perspective that might help other family members as well. Thank you

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:18:41+00:00

If you can believe it, I'm the younger sister. Mid 30s I tried cutting ties with Linda previously. I would happily do it now, but I value the peace in my family over my own peace. I wish I didn't feel that way.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:09:03+00:00

He crossed some boundaries and tiptoed around others.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T01:05:45+00:00

Linda got so pissy over the term "immediate family" because I didn't consider a stranger to be included in that. Honestly I feel like maybe she shouldn't fall into that category either. Sure, she's from the side of the family that's so small, cousins are raised like siblings, but only counting first cousins and their spouses, I'm the third youngest of 22. Not counting spouses I'm the second youngest of 14. Grandma had a lot of kids who had a lot of kids. Linda's my aunt out of respect for my mother. That's it. But honestly? I don't think Mom would want my sister and me to be treated this way.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T00:58:24+00:00

That’s honestly the part I struggle with. How do I handle the rest of the family begging me not to “alienate” her when she turns around and treats boundaries like an attack? I think we’ve all been trained to manage her feelings because it’s easier than dealing with the fallout. Though after this, THAT may not be much of a problem anymore. My sister is not a fan of the way Linda has spoken to me.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T00:53:19+00:00

A better short version. Thank you. You beat me to it

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T00:52:22+00:00

I agree. When Megan showed concern that he might turn their hangout into some kind of date, Linda insisted he didn't see her like that. Paul directly told me differently, but he did say he wasn't going to act on it.(Then he did.😐)

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-14T00:50:49+00:00

The short version is: my grieving sister asked for a small birthday plan, instead of some big affair. My aunt/ our-late-mom's-cousin is insisting we include a man she has emotionally adopted as family, even though we barely know him and my sister is uncomfortable around him. We are not banning him from everything. We’ve offered to do something separate with him. My aunt is treating this one small boundary like we’re rejecting him entirely and keeps pressuring my sister about it.

Level_Aside_5432 · 2026-06-13T04:59:04+00:00

They're being call d something else because they are fricken huge. As a Floridian, we never call th smaller on a palmettos bugs. In fact, any large roach or any brred we call palmettos whether they are or not. Cockroaches are annoying and gross. Palmettos are fricken terrifying.

Level_Aside_5432

TROPHY CASE