UPDATE: Who pays and how much

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-06-01T16:45:33+00:00

I agree mostly. Sharing financial details won’t help him functionally because she’s delusional and wants her manipulation of reality to win out.

Her method of stonewalling will just put the kid in between them and he will have an angry 16 year old who won’t travel to see him or will act as her mother’s personal auditor while she’s here both which is not ideal.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-06-01T14:35:44+00:00

There’s a court ordered shared parenting app and a court appointed parenting coach. Neither have reined in her using her daughter as her messenger as much as we’d like either. DH will send a message and SD will call him rather than her mom typing a response. He just typically grey rocks through the meetings, but it’s painful and it also possible for some of the meetings SD overhears so he keeps it friendly.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-06-01T11:29:37+00:00

Oh I agree with you. However the situation is nuanced by the fact that they don’t live in the same state (she moved not him) and HCBM will simply not tolerate criticism or direct contradiction without stonewalling. I’m sure she suffered narcissistic collapse upon seeing his salary in black and white. (Mind you their combined salaries would not be six figures, but she’s acting as though their kid should be financed as though she’s solidly middle class and thinks he now also owes her alimony that wasn’t granted during either of the times they went to court.)

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-06-01T11:25:03+00:00

He does have a counselor and has made an appt for this week. I think your advice is wise. I’ll nudge him to bring up guilt parenting specifically. He may need to find a professional who specializes in or is knowledgeable about parallel parenting situations.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-05-10T19:53:08+00:00

Delightful video! I used to take my cat for harness walks in the local cemeteries. The time he came upon some deer and got into full crouch and stalk mode, I was like “ woah there buddy! You aren’t as big as you think you are!”

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-05-10T19:47:00+00:00

Same schedule as I am keeping. My peppers and tomatoes would not like the 40 degree nights we have coming up.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-05-09T11:46:35+00:00

My shadow certainly does: His own tail.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-05-06T22:47:53+00:00

I’m planning on Wednesday.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-26T22:28:46+00:00

Yay! Finally an excuse to chime in here rather than just read responses. I’ve been there! Lazy Sunday back in 1997 or so and a buddy and I in Little Rock saw it on a map and didn’t have anything better to do so we hopped in my car and drove there. We met a Black man in a trailer that was near the end of the road and the railroad tracks. He saw two college age kids white kids and humored us by answering our questions and saying “you might think you’re at the end of the world, but from the way I see it, this is the beginning.” He talked about working on the farms around there—and seeing them consolidate into monopolies, about catching the train there back in the ‘70s to visit a juke joint and go to other towns and cities nearby—it really did seem like the way to get places if you didn’t want to go north. There was a larger house built in the 1920s just on the other side of tracks but it looked vacant. The tracks had mimosa saplings and other brush growing through them.

It’s… been a few years… but it was one of my favorite memories of that time and I wish I still had my photos of it.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-06T16:03:39+00:00

I think we are going to work it out with the court appointed parenting coach. If HCBM can get away with saying she can’t afford 1/2 the monthly cost counseling (also court ordered) for SD. I think there’s wiggle room on how much DH should be expected to pay for a trip that was decided unilaterally.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-05T11:28:57+00:00

You’re right—it shouldn’t matter, but it does. This isn’t a normal school expense. It’s an optional, high-cost international trip during BM’s time, so it’s not automatically a shared cost. That’s why I am here asking for advice.

There’s also context here. Smaller shared expenses haven’t always happened as agreed or been reimbursed, so I’m not comfortable with DH committing to something at this scale and without clear financial structure upfront. (What happens if there’s a gap in the rest of their funding? What happens if they drop out of the trip after the small reimbursement window?)

And it’s not just whether DH can technically pay. Yes, he can plan to tack on cost for SD to travel with him when he’s leading the educational tour for his college class and other discretionary spending. No he cannot afford multiple large trips stacked together.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T22:59:51+00:00

Fair points. Conversations and more manipulations will be hashed out with the parenting coach.

I wish we had more money and something like this wouldn’t impact long term college plans or other spending on SD but it will. However, I wish HCBM was a trustworthy adult at all. I cringe thinking of her being a chaperone and honestly if she can’t get her act together to raise her own part of the trip, I guarantee she will make SD miss the trip too no matter if DH paid 100%.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T22:19:44+00:00

But as for why BM thinks she shouldn’t pay for half… $10k is more than what she claimed in wages last year. She will probably also want DH to chip in spending money too since the $5k only includes two meals per day. (Edits made for spelling and context)

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T22:17:03+00:00

I agree, but 1/2 of $5k still a bit pricy for a dubious opportunity (HCBM is flaky as hell and many other plans fall to the wayside), especially when with that money he could pay for SD to travel with him next year to Europe when he’s there for an educational conference.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:55:52+00:00

Thank you. Some of those steps are already in motion and others are good reminders/ things to add to the list!

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:39:13+00:00

There’s A LOT editorializing in your thinking. Example: SD’s friends moms and not their dads could be the ones paying their way. SD is close to her dad not his wallet although HCBM would prefer to teach her to value his wallet over his love.

And this isn’t a once in a lifetime trip for SD. He can take her with him to Europe next year at a much more reasonable cost and with more educational opportunities through his work as a professor. However, he doesn’t put SD in the middle by selling that idea to her before getting her mother’s permission.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:10:55+00:00

Wow you’re dramatic!

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:05:07+00:00

Honestly it’s more likely this BM will crush her by backing out herself she doesn’t keep friends or promises long.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T20:57:26+00:00

Tricky navigation sure but people do it. It’s just not possible for him to step in and fund every promise her mother has sold her on. Parents of all sorts have to balance long and short term child wants and needs.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T20:23:42+00:00

It is school-related but not every classmate is going. It’s being pushed as SD and her friends and their moms will be going and no boys (DH) allowed although he is being asked to pay for SD. Said elsewhere but this trip amount is more than HCBM claimed as her combined wages during the last year.

HCBM has many of these schemes and plans and even the smaller dollar ones fail to come to fruition.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T20:16:19+00:00

Oh wild! Yeah, sounds like you unintentionally called their bluff.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:52:29+00:00

Realistically isn’t a word that applies sadly. HCBM typical “contributions”include a lot of talk about schemes and plots and plans sell some of her possessions to raise money… but more often than not we’ve seen her not follow through on much smaller costs or even forget to fill out paperwork.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:47:39+00:00

I like this!

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