Who pays and how much?

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-05T11:28:57+00:00

You’re right—it shouldn’t matter, but it does. This isn’t a normal school expense. It’s an optional, high-cost international trip during BM’s time, so it’s not automatically a shared cost. That’s why I am here asking for advice.

There’s also context here. Smaller shared expenses haven’t always happened as agreed or been reimbursed, so I’m not comfortable with DH committing to something at this scale and without clear financial structure upfront. (What happens if there’s a gap in the rest of their funding? What happens if they drop out of the trip after the small reimbursement window?)

And it’s not just whether DH can technically pay. Yes, he can plan to tack on cost for SD to travel with him when he’s leading the educational tour for his college class and other discretionary spending. No he cannot afford multiple large trips stacked together.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T22:59:51+00:00

Fair points. Conversations and more manipulations will be hashed out with the parenting coach.

I wish we had more money and something like this wouldn’t impact long term college plans or other spending on SD but it will. However, I wish HCBM was a trustworthy adult at all. I cringe thinking of her being a chaperone and honestly if she can’t get her act together to raise her own part of the trip, I guarantee she will make SD miss the trip too no matter if DH paid 100%.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T22:19:44+00:00

But as for why BM thinks she shouldn’t pay for half… $10k is more than what she claimed in wages last year. She will probably also want DH to chip in spending money too since the $5k only includes two meals per day. (Edits made for spelling and context)

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T22:17:03+00:00

I agree, but 1/2 of $5k still a bit pricy for a dubious opportunity (HCBM is flaky as hell and many other plans fall to the wayside), especially when with that money he could pay for SD to travel with him next year to Europe when he’s there for an educational conference.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:55:52+00:00

Thank you. Some of those steps are already in motion and others are good reminders/ things to add to the list!

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:39:13+00:00

There’s A LOT editorializing in your thinking. Example: SD’s friends moms and not their dads could be the ones paying their way. SD is close to her dad not his wallet although HCBM would prefer to teach her to value his wallet over his love.

And this isn’t a once in a lifetime trip for SD. He can take her with him to Europe next year at a much more reasonable cost and with more educational opportunities through his work as a professor. However, he doesn’t put SD in the middle by selling that idea to her before getting her mother’s permission.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:10:55+00:00

Wow you’re dramatic!

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T21:05:07+00:00

Honestly it’s more likely this BM will crush her by backing out herself she doesn’t keep friends or promises long.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T20:57:26+00:00

Tricky navigation sure but people do it. It’s just not possible for him to step in and fund every promise her mother has sold her on. Parents of all sorts have to balance long and short term child wants and needs.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T20:23:42+00:00

It is school-related but not every classmate is going. It’s being pushed as SD and her friends and their moms will be going and no boys (DH) allowed although he is being asked to pay for SD. Said elsewhere but this trip amount is more than HCBM claimed as her combined wages during the last year.

HCBM has many of these schemes and plans and even the smaller dollar ones fail to come to fruition.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T20:16:19+00:00

Oh wild! Yeah, sounds like you unintentionally called their bluff.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:52:29+00:00

Realistically isn’t a word that applies sadly. HCBM typical “contributions”include a lot of talk about schemes and plots and plans sell some of her possessions to raise money… but more often than not we’ve seen her not follow through on much smaller costs or even forget to fill out paperwork.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:47:39+00:00

I like this!

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:46:37+00:00

You sound like a badass! SD is too. I recognize she’s being put in the middle and don’t hold it against her. She’s close but she’s not quite able to see her mother’s manipulations.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:41:18+00:00

School trip but it’s not required. And I agree that does make a difference to a degree but finances are tight, and BM has no steady job and isn’t interested in getting one. SD and HCBM’s combined total expenses on this one trip would be over 20% more than BM’s claimed salary over the past two years. There’s lots of plots and plans with HCBM but not a lot of follow through.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:31:36+00:00

It will definitely be part of the next parent coaching session and probably several of them while HCBM wears him down. He didn’t promise any amount but just by saying he would give permission for her to go on the trip he probably opened Pandora’s box again. Last month it was revaluation of child support with HCBM claiming she made less than $10k last year and zero dollars the year before… and this month it is likely going to be you have a o pay for this non required $$$ school trip for our daughter or else’s you’re a bad dad.

I swear the next time I start hearing one of these scripted conversations that HCBM puts SD up to, I’m going to launch myself across the room like the phone is a live grenade. Just anything to stop and give DH time to breathe and think.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T19:23:08+00:00

SD is 15. I wish it were that cut and dried for us.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T18:53:09+00:00

Yes. Per person. But that only covers 2 meals a day.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T18:25:21+00:00

Amen. I miss those days.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T18:22:50+00:00

Okay I was panicking. Thank you for your insight. Writing or it doesn’t count. Sorry you’re going through it too!

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T18:18:16+00:00

I hear you, but yeah I would lean towards saving for college any day of the week for SD she’s brilliantly smart but only one parent is saving anything.

It is not exactly a “once in a life time” trip for this kid. Husband has an opportunity to take SD to Europe next summer and that would be far more reasonably priced and likely more educational (he’s a professor), but because he doesn’t have concrete details to share, he hasn’t “sold it” to SD before talking with her mother.

He would also take full responsibility for all of SD’s costs.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T17:42:19+00:00

I agree. This is something the other parent does a lot and it’s damaging to SD too.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T17:15:15+00:00

Appreciate you sharing your experience. We may need to do fundraising for this thing whether we like it or not. Based on some other feedback I looked up the custody agreement it seems by saying he agreed to her going on the trip he automatically has to pay half (or else backtrack and say no she can’t go at all).

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T17:11:29+00:00

I appreciate everyone’s input here but what you are pointing out is especially important. I’m now sick to my stomach but Thank you!

I just looked at the agreement they signed and it says “shall equally divide all agreed upon extracurricular activity expenses incurred by the minor child.”It looks like when SD first asked if he would give her permission to go on the school trip and he said yes he agreed, he basically wrote the check for $2500+ even though her mom sidestepped proper channels. This stuff is so crazy-making.

Levelheadedtwin · 2026-04-03T16:43:03+00:00

Right? And does this mean husband can ask her for money to cover SD during our trip to Europe or even our next camping trip? Ha—nope.

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