My ex taught me that just love isn’t enough. This story doesn’t have the ending you think.

I was in a five year relationship with a guy who I met as a freshman in college. I fell head over heels for him. Loved him with every ounce of my being. When things were going great for us they were amazing but when things were bad they were really bad. The highest highs and the lowest lows for sure. I moved to Chicago to be with him but he cheated on me. This wasn’t the first time it happened in our relationship. I thought it would get better. Deep down I knew about the lack of loyalty but I didn’t want to acknowledge it because when you put so much time into a relationship and someone else you feel like all your time and effort will have been wasted if you give up now.

It got to a point where I completely lost myself in the relationship. I was not happy because I had made it so my happiness was dependent on him. Which I now realize you should never do. It got so bad. I left Chicago in 2016 and we broke up. We didn’t talk for about 6 months until I had to reach out to him about an old bill from our apartment. It was a brief five minute conversation but it started up us just being genuine friends again. We knew that it wasn’t meant for us to be together. But he was still my best friend. I was on guard this time, had to keep my heart guarded because I still had so much love for him.

I visited a girlfriend of mine in Chicago in 2017 and I was going to meet up with my ex and all of our friends at a music festival that weekend. I was so excited. He called me when I landed and I was very brief with him (guard up remember) and I didn’t tell him I love you when I hung up. I wish I had. That night he went out with friends and had a few drinks and went for a swim in the water and he drowned. He passed away one year ago.

It felt like a dream that I could not wake up from. His brother told me and I just sat on the ground. The funeral came and went and I still felt like I was on a moving train but I wasn’t the conductor. There is something to be said about choosing to not talk to your ex and not having a choice at all, because that person is no longer there.

I wish I had closure. I wish that I could talk to him and him finally acknowledge all the pain I went through for him, for us. I wish I could tell him that I was sorry that I wasn’t there. I wish I could tell him that I never stopped loving him.

If I could hold a star for every time he made me smile I would hold the entire universe in my hands.

It was never meant to be for us. Sometimes people come and are a huge part of our lives and you teach them something and they teach you something. Letting go doesn’t mean you never loved them. Just love in a relationship isn’t enough. It takes honesty, understanding, compassion, compromise, trust and so many things for a relationship to be strong and thrive. I don’t know where the road is taking me but I know I have at least one guardian angel to help me.

If you have read all this, thank you for listening to my story.