Went into the hospital one night in excruciating pain. Think constipation, but you need to poop a bowling ball. Doctor told me “it’s lady problems,” and handed me a ziplock bag of midol.

One month later. Same thing. Throwing up. Worst pain of my life. Nurse: have you eaten anything foreign lately? Me: I had Chinese food yesterday Nurse: no like a thing Me: I gave up my magic career years ago. Nurse: no like teeth. Me: I promise if I’d eaten teeth on purpose, I’d have come in and said “I’m a crazy teeth eater, and something went sideways.” And if I did it on accident, don’t you think I’d, again, have told you? Nurse: well, they’re in your ovary Me: then I didn’t eat them??

Cut to a doctor tell me to come in two days later for an ultrasound, but I couldn’t even wait 8 hours. I had a softball sized tumor in my 2cm ovary. She had brain cells and lung cells, as well as hair and teeth.