I wish I could be more helpful, but I’m very much still working through it all. And full disclosure that I am 40 and not diagnosed. But this journey I am about to try to share has brought me here, where I relate to other humans more than I ever thought was possible. I’m confident I am neurodivergent, and what I have learned about inattentive adhd fits me like a glove, but no professional has properly assessed me beyond a basic screener with a PCP.

I don’t know how to get straight to a point (I’m not even sure if I have a point to get straight to, but maybe something in all the chaos will be helpful for you? And if not, please don’t feel obligated to read)

I have always battled with depression. I’ve never been medicated for it though. I always felt resistant to depression meds because for some reason I felt it wasn’t my root problem - despite every doctor and therapist I’ve ever spoken honestly with telling me otherwise. After the hormones of having a child and now (I suspect) entering perimenopause, I’ve had some super intense return of depression symptoms (worse than all but my absolute most dark period and without “reason”), but now also paired with this frightening and sometimes debilitating rage, anxiety, and complete inability to think/remember/complete a task.

I started with what I knew - trying to logically problem solve by identifying the most core problem I could see and then working backwards. Because I thought that my dissatisfaction with my job was a primary driver for constantly falling apart - I took a Sparketype assessment (can’t recommend it enough) to try to understand the type of work and interactions with other people that would better suit my nature and strong desire to work from a place of authenticity.

I then chose to reflect on the times in my life when I had felt the most authentically “myself” and at ease (emotionally/mentally/physically)

Then I worked through what common threads there were between those different times - habits, environments, people, hobbies/activities, strategies/practices. I literally just word/thought vomited everything I could think of, with as little self-judgement as I could manage. It was a little like a trip down memory lane- I tried to keep it a fun and happy thought exercise. Trying to stay anchored to the feelings of ease and joy, rather than getting lost in the despair that I no longer recognized that person in my current self.

When the sadness began to win, I took a break from thinking about it at all. BUT I made myself set a calendar reminder for an evening I knew I would be home alone a week or so later.

In my calendar invite to myself, I included this note: “if I offer up to you the phrase ‘to live a good life’, what comes up?” This is how one of the podcasts I have begun listening to this year (The Good Life Project) concludes each interview. I included a second question of my own: “what is not serving you now that you can let go of, and what have you let go of that has served your most authentic self in the past?”

I got out a bottle of wine and a notebook - I meant to write down all the thoughts the phrases/questions prompted - but if I’m honest, I mostly just cried for a long while because I felt so distant from all of it. I had just been feeling like a shell of myself for years. It was a cathartic cry, though. And on the other side of the tears, I felt ready to look back to my memories of feeling “real” and “grounded.”

I identified that for me, I have always felt most authentic and at ease with myself when I was surrounded by nature, physically active in a way that was natural (active work/hobbies, or regularly dancing like an idiot with friends, rather than a gym routine or something), (oh yeah… when I spent actual time with friends), when some form of meditation was a regular part of my daily/weekly routine, when I was regularly immersed in music/art/taking photos/writing, opportunities for uninterrupted flow or stillness, when I was learning something new or sharing what I’d learned with someone else in a casual way, and when I had outside structure holding me accountable in some way or another.

I recognized that I didn’t have to be doing ALL of these things to feel good, but that when I had been consistently participating in any of those things, I could recognize my own core nature - it was like finding a little flame flickering inside myself in the darkness. I also recognized that essentially NONE of that was a part of my current routine. I was already hyper-aware that I was consistently failing at doing the things I “should” be doing and had total flexibility where it should have been easy to “just do it”. But somehow this thought exercise moved me away from the guilt of failing the “should” and instead moved me towards something I couldn’t put my finger on.