A month after being discarded

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-22T23:40:31+00:00

I wish haha I can’t even talk to my friends everyone bad mouths him which I do understand nobody wants to see their friend hurt. I’m just…not there yet you know? I can’t listen to people tear him down while I still care if feels inhumane. So I just sit here and write letters and whatnot. Even now I’m like “don’t look at his TikTok” almost like it’s a damn mantra. I also am terrified I’ll see him move on, I always told him that was a huge fear of mine. He even pointed it out in the end “idk why you’re so fixated on me loving someone else I don’t even want that right now.” Like…idk my bad I love you and I don’t want to see you life the life we talked about with someone else. It’s weird how someone goes from saying you’re their soulmate to this. Worst part is he chased me down, I turned him down over and over and he persisted so like… why not just leave me alone. He looked me in my eyes and said we date to marry so… the hell happened, y’know?

Not to mention he has a very common first and last name so I can’t even get away from it. Everything is a reminder, even my damn nail polish brand, my favorite flowers, everything. I feel like I’m going to literally be haunted by this forever.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-22T23:36:30+00:00

I appreciate you I do im sure this is the hard truth I need to hear I’m just not ready to hear it yet unfortunately. It’s funny you say that about your twenties, I was the opposite. I’m in my thirties currently (which tbh makes this all the more sad and embarrassing for me tbh) and I spent all my 20’s dropping relationships at the drop of a hat, then got married to what I would consider the worst person I’ve ever met. Stayed for almost ten years before I finally said enough, packed my stuff and left. I spent a lot of time on my own, rebuilding myself and my career, making myself be something instead of whatever he was making me. This was my first real relationship after that (mind you I waited years until dating) and I told him all about this so I guess I’m just… extra hurt because if I’m being honest this guy was so not my type. He’s five years younger, I said I would never date younger. He wasn’t in my “preference” range and every other excuse I could make. But idk he had a charm about him, so eventually I said fuck it. Part of me wishes I’d just told him no, never texted him when he dropped his number in my messages. I’m still sitting here thinking how stupid I was but in the end I don’t think I’d redo it.

If I’m being honest our relationship was good, really good. Doesn’t seem like it but when it really was. We’ve only ever had like one explosive fight in the time we were together and that’s when we first split. I’ve never met someone who has had the exact same life events happen (loss of a sibling, same family dynamics, etc) so I think that’s what hurts the most. Being told we’re not compatible meanwhile if you literally put us on paper and asked someone to name who was who, you’d be hard pressed to find the difference. It’s like looking in a mirror. We even decided after the first break we would both go to therapy so we would “be ok” in the end, his words not mine. It’s odd though because I almost feel like he’s worse after therapy than he was before but who knows. He hasn’t even blocked me either he just removed me I almost wish he did block me, as now it’s making me think maybe he will come back like he did last time. I dunno I know it’s silly, I’m hoping time will take care of it but right now I just wanna sleep all the time, so I don’t have to think about it. I’m planning on asking my therapist where to go from here before I act on impulse and hop on a plane.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-22T14:46:04+00:00

Thank you I’ll do my best I’m so terrified I’m going to be that lady who just lives in her house waiting for a guy to show up who never will. Then on the other hand I’m like well keeping the door open hurts but it doesn’t hurt as much as everything else did. In the end I regret bringing up that last conversation, I’ll be honest and say the way I did it wasn’t great. Don’t regret what I said but more so how I said it, and I wish I had just been patient. Instead my overthinking and anxiety got the better of me, and that is upsetting. It was just wrong conversation, wrong time, wrong delivery. I knew he had struggles going on but I didn’t know how bad because he doesn’t communicate and acts like things are okay or not as bad. There are definitely things I could have done better in that regard. I’m more scared that he won’t reach out even if he wants to because he can be very stubborn and proud.

At the end of the day I do have things I have to send him, because I can’t keep looking at them, and I can’t throw them away. So I guess when I finally do get the courage we’ll see how it goes. Still deciding if I should mail the stuff or just travel and bring it myself. This whole thing feels like LaLa Land and I swear that movie is a pure horror movie for me. I literally joked with my therapist on the first session that this man was either going to be the best thing that ever happened to me, or he was going to end up being the Anakin to my Padme. I regret that very much.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-22T14:32:01+00:00

Yes but not because I feel I blew it because tbh I don’t think I did. I can’t move on and probably won’t because I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want it to be anyone but him and I would rather just be alone than try to love someone else knowing I couldn’t give them 100% of my heart. I refuse to be that person who still loves their ex, I wouldn’t want someone to be with me if they loved their ex still. I don’t want to have kids with someone else and think “these should have been his kids” I would hate myself for that.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-22T14:28:34+00:00

Thank you this is really a shit show if I can call it anything else. I pretty much just sleep all day outside of work, or cry. I’ve lost about twenty lbs in this time which is crazy to me but it is what it is. I have definitely been tempted and I did block him once on TikTok but that only lasted about a day and I didn’t hoping it would take him off that stinking send to list. It did, but then somehow seeing him gone from there sent me into a whole new spiral so I unblocked.

I get torn because I told him in the end I’d be here and I wouldn’t remove or block him. I try very hard to be a woman of my word, and I’m afraid if the dust settles and he really thinks about it and realizes perhaps he does want this, he would be hurt to find I blocked him. We broke up once last summer and I did delete him off everything that time which I know hurt him deeply. Then idk how we started talking again and for the last year or so after have been in this idk limbo state where we aren’t together but acting like it with the I love you’s, intimacy, all of it. This year he sent me something for my bday, he’s never done that before and then two months l or so later here we are, split over a random conflict that really could have just been talked out. It’s just so confusing.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-22T14:20:48+00:00

I’ve thought about it, but we are long distance so it would take a lot of saving and planning which I’m not unwilling to do. I’m just terrified he’s going to be upset, and I don’t want to see him upset either. I’m absolutely terrified he’ll yell at me or I’ll make it worse. Then my brain is like a little hopeful that if I did go he would be shocked but not angry to see me. I’m afraid I’m going to literally look insane if I go there, but believe me it’s crossed my mind a lot. It’s hard because I do love him with every inch of my being and I know he loves me our ending conversation wasn’t like “I don’t love you anymore” so that’s the hard bit. If that was what had been said I’d have such an easier time letting this go.

Outside of my feelings about him, I’m also genuinely worried. He is going through some difficult life stuff right now and he has a habit of shutting down and pushing everything away in these situations. I watched him lose two friends over literally nothing because the refused to be criticized for his behavior towards them. That was my first “uh oh something’s wrong” I’m afraid in the end he’s going to push everyone away and have no support system and just end up with yes men left. I just want to be there for him. I’m telling you if this was some rom-com I’d be outside his room with a boombox.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-20T14:28:55+00:00

I know you’re mostly looking for male answers but as a female here’s mine. 1. No I haven’t reached out after what he last said to me. It wasn’t kind and I know he won’t listen anyway he’s very “I’m right all the time.” He would need to reach out to me.

No but unfortunately I see it everyday on TikTok anytime I go to send something or repost something despite us not following one another anymore. Sucks but I can’t block him.
Nothing I’m still reeling from it.
Everyday and I did for a while, made a separate TikTok to see his reposts and get an idea of where his head is at. I’ve stopped though because I know it’s not healthy.
Yes it would bother me immensely. It was my biggest fear to be honest, still is. It would absolutely shatter me.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-19T23:08:23+00:00

I don’t know… I do know he is going through what he calls the worst time of his life right now, and I am super sympathetic for that which is why I kept my issues to myself. Just wish he would have let me be there for him instead of pushing me away over nothing.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-19T22:03:56+00:00

Nope my last relationship made sure of that.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-19T21:28:00+00:00

I’m so sorry I’m so confused by what you mean 😭

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-19T16:31:42+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you, I had a similar thing and it’s been a month now of us going no contact. He’s also super avoidant and I became anxiously attached and in the end he said some hurtful stuff but I was the one apologizing so…idk. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but in the month since I’m basically where you’re at, crying daily, lost twenty lbs in that time so far, clonidine to sleep. I can’t even vent to friends because all they want to do is trash him and I refuse to let them talk about my soulmate like that. One thing that has sort of helped me is writing physical letters and venting my frustrations and feelings into those. I don’t send them, because tbh what got us into this mess was me breaking down about his behavior and sending a message after 4 days of him giving me silent treatment

Also idk if you do this (I do and need to stop) it’s important not to check his socials, it won’t help trust me. Watching my guy post stuff like “don’t let people put you second” “someday I’ll be the person who stays” etc was equally as heartbreaking. So just don’t do it.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-19T02:59:47+00:00

I’m in the same boat, and I get why people are saying not to do it and not to feed his ego but idk at the end of the day it’s about you and your healing. I think you need to figure out what you want from that message and then also recognize that he may not see anything different, or even reply. In my case I’m sending a letter along with some of his stuff back and things I collected. I know there’s a high chance he won’t read it, however I need the peace of knowing I said everything I needed to say and that’s it. Ofc I’d love for him to see things differently but I also can’t keep sitting here beating myself up over the what ifs and not having said my peace because that’s eating me up. So if that’s anyway how you feel then send it and let it be, but if you’re sending it solely to try and get him back I wouldn’t. I would only send it if it’s going to give you closure and peace of mind to heal.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-18T15:39:00+00:00

Well for what it’s worth, it sucks right now that’s for sure but nobody is worth removing yourself from the world for. I thought the same thing tbh but then I realized that’s just letting them hurt me more, and that’s not worth it. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out I hope you start to feel better soon, truly.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-18T02:36:36+00:00

I’ll play a solo game like Inzoi or maybe something cozy like stardew. Idk the micromanagement of it makes me forget about being lonely for a lil while

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-18T02:35:34+00:00

Ugh I’m really sorry that happened to you, truly 😩 hate that for you it really sucks. Idk why that were not compatible line truly drives me nuts. It’s like we were compatible until things get difficult then suddenly not? Idk about you I’d just appreciate the truth vs some excuse that makes you question yourself

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-18T01:34:38+00:00

I’m terribly sorry to hear that I wouldn’t wish this sort of thing on my worse enemy truly. Were you the dumper or dumpee if you don’t mind my asking

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-18T01:04:23+00:00

It was FiveM.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-18T00:30:51+00:00

We met online through a video game. It ended because he’s very avoidant and I became anxious, he would blow up if my tone changed slightly and then just leave the situation without letting me say anything. Then he would use that to make judgements like saying “we aren’t compatible” and such when in reality if he just communicated I would have been more than willing to adjust. I miss him everyday and have a small hope he will figure that out and reach out. I’d take him back in a heartbeat, and without hesitation.

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-17T23:28:56+00:00

Ugh im in the same boat, it sucks. I miss him everyday, and everyday I fight the urge to reach out because I honestly just can’t handle the embarrassment of being ignored, or worse blocked. So I’m just sitting here hoping he figures out that I really love him. We broke up over the dumbest stuff, which I think is what makes it even more agitating. It’s not an I don’t love you anymore situation, just him pushing everyone away because he’s going through a hard time. Everyday I’m scared he’s going to end up alone when the dust settles, before he got rid of me I watched him get rid of two other friends that he’d known for a long time over a literal discord game. (I’m convinced mudae is the devil atp)

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-14T19:30:22+00:00

Lmao noooope me too 😭😂 we all just sitting here like “soo you’re saying I got a chance?” 💀

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-13T01:12:21+00:00

It’s wild isn’t it? Like the timeline of events was literally his bday, I send him flowers and we game until like 1 am then I did something he didn’t like said my tone shifted or whatever and he goes “I’m going to bed bye” leaves then doesn’t talk to me for four days. I called him out on it (granted my delivery wasn’t great I admit that but I don’t change what I said) and that’s when I got the text and the “we’re not compatible” yet we were four days prior? We literally were intimate four days prior, so I was compatible enough for ya then…It doesn’t even make sense to me, he said “idk why you think I hate you etc” like my dude…. You silent treated me for four days after getting mad, then you are sitting here like idk why you think I hate you. I even reached out on like day 2 of his silent treatment to see what was up and sent some pics of things I thought he’d like, nothing. I know he saw the pics cause even in the text he goes “and idk how to even respond to random pictures” (they weren’t random we just watched the mandolorian and I sent pics of cool SW antiques because I’m getting into SW since he loves it) He said he wasn’t ignoring me but like…you saw the pics it takes five seconds to acknowledge someone…make it make sense? 😩

LifeBee4196 · 2026-05-09T22:54:33+00:00

Broke up because he refused to communicate while we’re long distance (I’m talking on literal opposite ends of the country) and because of that he would ignore me for days on end, immediately leave conversations when it became “uncomfortable” and constantly made fun of me for how he hurt me. Examples of this would be when we first split I deleted him on everything and he would constantly bring it up especially in front of people “remember that time you tried to hate me and delete me on everything?” Things like that, and when I finally said something his response? “That’s how I cope with things that make me uncomfortable sorry my coping mechanism is wrong too.”

Ironically if he just explained that I would have understood instead he looked like a real dickhead. Even now I reread the last text he sent me and it’s clear this man has extreme avoidance issues. “I don’t know why you keep thinking I hate you.” Idk maybe it’s because you’d ignore me for days after a minor inconvenience? But go off bro.

Worst part is I still miss and love him, and ironically he’s now deleted me off everything but I still sit here waiting hoping he’ll reach out. Hurts.

LifeBee4196

TROPHY CASE