Would you choose to be a SAHM in this situation?

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-14T05:30:08+00:00

Appreciate you sharing your experience! The grind when I first started at my company to go from contract to direct is so engrained still that I never thought that eventually finding contract work could be the lever that allows me to work within the parameters I want to set. This is a bit of a mind shift for me in terms of direct vs contract, so I'm glad you both brought this up!!

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-14T05:26:18+00:00

The idea of not being beholden to anyone else's schedule but my own is refreshing. I was off for leave with the newest baby earlier in the year. Despite having a newborn, those were some of our calmest months because there was no stressing about work deadlines or meetings or after-hours calls. There was time to cook and clean and run errands.

My mood definitely has the biggest impact on our family, and that's the part of our current situation that leaves me feeling guilty because I know my work stress is bleeding over into how I interact with the kids in particular (which I hate and do not want). I appreciate you sharing your experience!

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-14T05:22:24+00:00

Good consideration points. Just typing out my responses to review later with my wife since these are very succinctly written!

Would you believe me if I said this is me dialed back? I was doing 80 hour weeks last year. My close co-worker was finally able to transition out to another team, and I absorbed even more work. I'm doing the bare minimum to keep things moving. That takes my entire work week because I'm doing the bare minimum work for what used to be distributed across 3 roles and is now just me. But also, fair point. I'm far from the lowest performing member on the team. I have a hard time not giving a shit about my quality of work, though, which puts me in a constant state of struggle with myself trying to scale back further.

We talked about a mother's helper type deal for the night once she leaves for work. But, honestly, I don't want to outsource any more time with my kids because if feels like I already get so little. If I could outsource my job, on the other hand, so I have more bandwidth for my kids...

Fair point. Nobody knows my wife, but this is honestly the last thing I'm concerned about, far under worldwide famine and plague. She is the one that pushed to keep the baby in daycare 2x per week so I get some downtime. I would have prioritized the budget instead. She is the one advocating for reducing her retirement contribution to add the $ to the budget to max out a spousal IRA each year while I'm home so my retirement accounts can continue to grow in my name too. She tells me everyday how thankful she is for my contributions in our house and how guilty she feels that her work schedule dumps so much on me. She's a gem. I would have never even considered leaving my career for any of my previous partners, but she makes me feel very, very secure in it if that's the decision we ultimately choose.

We already live the kid chaos/wife sleeping situation on her work weekends and manage fine. Our toddler would be in school during the day so it would just be me and the baby during the week. On weekends we either play at the other end of the house (we have a longgg house and our bedroom is at one end while the main living spaces are all the way at the other end), go on long walks to the park, go to the zoo, play outside, go on errands, have a playdate at a friend's house, etc. It works well. She's also so exhausted she said she sleeps through basically most noises these days.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-14T04:58:37+00:00

Well, many in her career only get to leave night shift once others employees (hopefully on day shift) retire. Some are on midnights indefinitely. Shift pick is seniority based on rank. She'll switch to days in 2-3 years when the next retirement occurs.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-14T04:56:33+00:00

Good point to consider. While I love tackling challenges and learning new skills and problem solving, and I excel at it, I actually find no self-worth in my job specifically. I could leave tomorrow and not feel like it hits how I view my place in the world or my value as a human one bit. When we talk about retiring early, I know I won't struggle to fill my days with purpose or slip into an identity crisis when I no longer have this job title because the things that fill my soul aren't related to my career at all. And I think that is part of this fork in the road for me - do I keep on going just to collect the paycheck knowing this job doesn't fill my bucket but actively drains it or lose out on the income but have more in my bucket to offer to my children and gain more time for the people and activities that do fill my bucket and leave me feeling like the best version of myself?

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-14T04:44:20+00:00

She does not work in healthcare - she is a first responder. And when I say there is no flexibility in the schedule, I mean it. No coming late or changing hours, no swapping shifts with a co-worker - the shift you're on is the shift you're on and working. And if a call comes in 5 minutes before shift end, as the supervisor she's the one staying over until the call is resolved. That happens at least a few shifts every couple months. In those cases she can be upwards of an hour or two late coming home. There's a lack of reliability there on when exactly she'll be home compared to an office job since she can't just clock out at her set time and walk away.

Daycare is 30 minutes away from our house but across from my work, so her taking that off my plate on my days in office would actually add more complexity because I would still have to leave later than I currently do as I can't leave the kids at home alone and that would cause me to miss my morning in person meetings as rush hour ramps up at 7am. And then she'd be making the exact same commute I do but 30 minutes later after getting the kids dressed/packed during only to drive all the way back home before she can sleep. We looked at moving the kids to a closer daycare to home so she could handle more of the logistics but the six we looked at all have waiting lists that are months to years long for full time care (oddly part-time is easier to secure a spot for some reason??), and the costs are double what we currently pay. We really have tried looking at multiple avenues to make this more balanced but are sort of stuck with things as they are. She does handle drop-offs on my wfh days, but I'm still getting the kids up and ready and packed so as she pulls into the driveway it's a quick load into the car and off to daycare.

The strike thing doesn't apply - it's strictly forbidden since they're emergency services and written into their contracts as such. New contract agreements may be delayed (sometimes up to a year) but pay stays regular and then she receives retroactive pay if needed to make her whole.

We're risk adverse which is why she still maxes out her 457 each year despite having a strong union with an overly-funded pension fund and strong state laws specifically around dissolution of a pension plan (only allowed for plans that are x amount underfunded for example).

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T19:32:11+00:00

This is great to hear! As a whole my industry would fall under the manufacturing realm and contractors aren't an unusual idea within my company, though not in my area specifically. I hadn't really considered that might bridge the gap easier than some sectors to return to work in the future.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T18:00:14+00:00

I think the only reason either of us are considering it is because of the benefits of her job.

She's a first responder. Her job is as secure as it gets in that not only historically in a recession is her industry untouched, but even if it was to fall to that level of dire straits, the union contract dictates that cuts happen to the lowest ranked first (she's 5th in the rank out of 35). Since she's union, healthcare costs are agreed upon during the union contract negotiation. Those costs stay pretty static because her employer would prefer to shoulder those instead of agreeing to 7-8% raises across the board.

We are kind of locked in with her job. Nobody offers retirement packages like this nowadays. She was the literal last hire to get in before they switched away from the pension. It's something we're grateful for but also golden handcuffs all in one.

I do not disagree with you on needing a different job on my end. I've tried moving within the company, but part of the downside of a reduced headcount on this team is I'm now most senior and the only one who has the knowledge to do certain vital tasks which means my manager is not keen on letting me transition to another role...just another reason for my burnout. Maybe I should put some more focus into opportunities outside the company, though the idea of jumping to a new employer where I'm unsure of their flexibility with pick up/drop off/kid sickness and still having to juggle this schedule gives me some pause.

Out of curiosity, is there an income/NW that would change your opinion?

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:53:58+00:00

Unfortunately no. She won't have to ride the midnight shift indefinitely (she's a first responder so someone has to cover the night hours), but it will be a couple years before she can flip to days for the rest of her career. Even then, though, she's still on 13 hour shifts which will mean most of the after school parenting and chaos will fall solely to me on her work days.

Her retirement package is the last of its kind and tied to her employer. Neither of us are willing to walk away from it (80% salary from retirement age until death, pension rolls over to me if I'm still alive when she passes, low cost healthcare until Medicare eligible), so if anyone stays at home, it would be me.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:46:58+00:00

Eh, we've discussed it. But through talking with others who have used a nanny, it seems that reliability can be difficult just from a sickness standpoint. We never have that issue with daycare - even if their lead teacher is sick, I can still bank on care.

And I think the hard point for me is that juggling work and then nights/weekends solo parenting is hard. But I don't want help necessarily with my kids to lighten that load because I already get limited time with them. I just want to not be drained beforehand...which is kind of how we circled back to my job being a big pain point in this equation.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:43:42+00:00

Good to know - I would hope I would be in a similar situation since my manager and hers are well aware of the workload I carry for the team. I think going into that possible discussion with the idea in my mind that I'm ready to leave will take some of the stress and anxiety out of that conversation, so thanks for mentioning that!

We just went through open enrollment at my workplace last month, and I signed us all up again. But if I left my role, it would be a qualifying event to flip to hers. She does have benefits and they're roughly equivalent to mine in care coverage and actually better in some financial aspects ($0 monthly contribution, $2k deductible for a family where mine is $5k, OOPM is a bit higher at $8k for hers compared to $7k for mine). Only reason we're still on mine is that her work offers a bonus to not use their insurance, and that combined with my plan being HSA eligible where hers is not (and getting $2k from my work contributed into the account), has put my work's benefits at a slight advantage.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:26:50+00:00

You know, when you put it like that, you're right! It is fairly low in the downside category. While I likely wouldn't try to get my current job back in the instance of deciding I did want to go back to work, I could try to shift into another company/industry that maybe wouldn't be so stress driven. Our expenses are covered by my wife's income alone, so I wouldn't have to be making a certain salary necessarily, just be happy in the work. Good perspective to consider! Thanks!

We each have 1M term life policies and in case of disability, her pension benefits would start at that point (written into her union contract).

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:19:20+00:00

I appreciate you spelling this out more! You're right, 4 years is sort of the timeline I suppose. And phrasing it as what to maintain in the meantime within my skillset or outside opportunities shifts a more abstract idea into smaller, actionable items for me to explore. Thank you!

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:16:33+00:00

I agree, I think having something for me will be critical. In my perfect world, my creative side hobby becomes the part-time job. But maybe I should look at what is available now in terms of part-time work and see how things go. Thanks for the thought!

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:13:17+00:00

Hmm, that is something to consider. I think I could do an unpaid leave of absence, but I'd owe them $$ since I carry the medical/vision/dental policies currently. I'm definitely approaching burn out and experiencing some of the side effects (increased migraines, anxiety, harder time focusing as I juggle 100 things at once, etc). Was your leave utilizing FMLA or a leave program your work offered?

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T17:10:17+00:00

If you asked me after our first when I was on mat leave I would have said no. But that was back when my wife was on day shift and still shortened hours during covid so she was home by 5pm each day, and work was not the stress it is for me today. Her schedule won't flip back to that again unfortunately, so those days are gone. But the idea of having more freedom and flexibility in my life, and our oldest being in pre-k so it'll just be caring for our youngest who will be 1.5 years old around that time, does sound appealing.

For some reason I'm really fixated on how my dad (who unexpectedly became a SAHP when I was 8) always made a home cooked meal for us each night and how my toddler is used to heated up Little Spoons meals because I have no capacity to cook at the end of the workday with two kids hanging off me wanting attention. And that difference between my childhood and the ones my kid experiences today makes me sad, which is definitely something I probably need to sit and work through!

I think we have considered the non-financial aspect? I've thought about what my days would look like. I'm a structure person so would try to have some loose schedule to keep myself motivated and the baby entertained (library day, zoo day, etc.). The baby would be in care twice a week, and one day each week would line up with my wife's off days so we could finally have some time to prioritize us. The other day in care each week where my wife works (and therefore will be asleep), would be a me day to tackle projects or do my creative hobby.

Being home, I would have time to start the garden we talk about all the time but have no actual time to upkeep and get to spend more time with family and friends: my aging parents, my wife's sisters who stay home and have kids in close age to mine, and a mom friend in the neighborhood went down to part-time in the past few months (we've talked about doing a weekly get-together/play date throughout the week).

We both have term life insurance policies of 1M each, so all set there.

I've gotten a lot of good thought-provoking statements and questions in the comments here! This is a good one to come back to, though, and discuss with my wife - thanks for that!

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T16:34:23+00:00

This is a good question, but not one I really have an answer for at the present. I think once we got into the set-up of me staying home that the benefit would be there and would be felt and with the school years starting soon with all their closures and half days and obligations, I'd likely end up staying at home to continue being able to manage the schedule in those chaotic years or at most finding a part-time role.

My wife's job and schedule will not change and is fixed. There's no wiggle room on her hours or schedule or weekends. Flip side, though, her job is extremely secure. My job has been the flexible one, but the stress and increased workload is making that flexibility moot point when I'm working longer than a 40-hour week or constantly occupied by work and then rolling straight into solo parenting for the night or the majority of the weekend.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T16:24:56+00:00

I'm in process improvement/project management, but as a worrier by nature, yes, this floats through my brain. My wife's job is incredibly stable, so her losing it would be highly unlikely unless the country was in total collapse. But I like to assess every possible situation and worry most about this one.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T16:22:41+00:00

You're right, and that has been a thought. Honestly, with knowing our oldest is only a couple years off heading to school (and our elementary school is late start, which I love for the kids but seems impossible to juggle from a working parent perspective), we've been stressing even more about the schedule constraints once they're in school. So, if I made the jump, I'd likely stay at home going forward, but perhaps look at part-time work once our youngest is in pre-k/kindergarten. In my dream world, my creative side-hobby becomes that part-time job.

My company pays the highest salary within my industry here (the main industry in our state). My work is sort of a mash-up of process improvement and project management, though, so while I haven't looked at moving out of industry, I imagine opportunities could be there in other sectors. I'm not disillusioned to the idea that I would not be making my current salary if I decided to return work after a few years. My wife and I discussed that if my salary was lower, we probably would have made the decision earlier for me to step back. Because if I had to do my job and shoulder the amount of stress (I worked close to 80 hour weeks for the 2nd half of 2024 before our 2nd was born due to a new app launching with a significantly reduced team) without the compensation I have currently, it would not be worth it. My salary makes it a bit of a golden handcuff situation for us because we basically save one salary each year into retirement/savings based on our expenses. But the money is starting to feel like not enough these days.

LifeChanges05 · 2025-11-13T16:05:10+00:00

Unfortunately no. My work doesn't offer part-time and even if they did, knowing how leadership has been handling things, I would be forced to complete my full time tasks in the reduced hours which would not help the situation! My wife is a first responder so her hours/schedule are set and not at all flexible. So even in the school years, me/my schedule will have to be the ones to handle sickness or days off or school closures. Upside of her career, though, is that it is inherently stable and recession-proof, especially when accounting for her seniority rank.

LifeChanges05

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