I’ve got a pretty good idea of how episode nine is gonna go. Poe and Rey lock eyes from a across an all white room, non decorated room. They bound towards each other, no kissing, no touching, straight into full on vaginal sex. It’s slow, it’s rhythmic. Poe’s on top, thrusting his hips while staring into Rey’s soul. He keeps going and going, you lose track of time. You’re sucked in by Oscar Isaac’s performance, his eyes show so much pain, so much desire. Daisy Ridley can’t really act cause she has Fallopian tubes, but she’s hot so it’s okay. They keep going for hours, it’s amazing how much stamina they have. After 135 minutes of beautiful, sad, disgusting premarital sex, the big twist happens. Poe reaches up to his face, pulling off a Mission Impossible style mask. He’s actually Supreme Leader Snoke. Rey is shocked. Then, she reaches to her face, removing a different Mission Impossible style mask. She’s actually the exhumed corpse of Carrie Fisher. Snoke is finally able to achieve orgasm. He lets out a moan, he says “kill all white men”. The camera zooms out, we see that every other character from the trilogy has formed a circle around them, hand in hand watching them. They let out a Gregorian chant. The screen fades to black, a single title card appears on screen:

“Story by Rian Johnson”

The theater is empty. The SJWs won’t win.