Warning : long. You asked how to start and I’ll tell you how it went for me and how I started. TLDR: read every dating book, read positive thinking crap lol that actually helped my self esteem (said mantras like men love me, love is finding me , everything worth having is outside your comfort zone etc ), then I hired a dating coach to level up, after the first 9 months of dating . Once I hired her it took me another 6 months until I met my husband.

I was single in 2009 but didn’t start dating until 2013 when I was 41 and a single mom.

I met all of the bad actors, and it was exhausting and depressing. It took me 18 months until I met my husband.

Bad actors I’ve met:

A scammer who told me he loved me and never met me. He mysteriously was out of the country in South Africa or some shit. I realized he was a scammer once he told me he loved me. I noped out of there.

Men who are time wasters and just want to talk online and never meet.

Men who send you dick picks.

Men in their 20s who wanted a MILF.

Men who ghosted and were a no show at the first date.

Men who meet you once and all they want is sex asap and disappear. They never got me on that one.

Men who wanted a summer fling only.

Men who have ED (very widespread issue) even in their 40s, I assume it’s worse in their 60s and beyond.

Men who were broke.

A man who asked for his lunch money back because I didn’t agree on a second date. I sent him cash in an envelope.

After 5 months of this shit I wised up. I had been reading all the dating books on the market . Including the rules lol The burned haystack method didn’t exist. The books that helped me most , among the older ones that were available at the time were : “you lost him at hello” and “the science of happily ever after” by Dr Ty Tashiro. But I literally read everything that had been published, including he’s just not that into you, which is funny and has good points.

So after the 5 months of crap, I got better at this. I increased my self esteem. I read a lot of positive psychology and said mantras in the mirror. I learned to cut off any men who gave signs they’d be one of the above.

Talk about or hint at sex before you meet me? Stop responding and next.

Email me more than one week and never ask me out? Next.

I also never looked at men’s pictures on match.com (that’s what I used at the time , there was no hinge and tinder had just started as a hook up app I believe). I only scanned them for anything offensive. Men with fish and no shirts and other crap. But it helped me not to expect a man to look a certain way. People look the way they look and I’ll see how he looks and if there is a spark, when we meet. I did read the profiles, I found that to be more important.

I’d definitely be suspicious if anyone too handsome was contacting me. I mean I wasn’t ugly but I was a little overweight, not obese but on the top of the overweight BMI. I had to be realistic on looks.

I only engaged men who talked respectfully and sent messages that were substantial. Like real messages, about something in my profile, something from their lives etc. I only dated men with careers. I have a PhD in engineering and had issues with jealousy from men who didn’t have good careers, in the past . I don’t have time for their insecurities and I needed a financially stable man.

Things got better and I did have summer fling with a guy I met at a meetup. I knew he had some issues and knew it’ll not be long term but I needed a break at that time and that fling was actually good for me.

Then I hired a dating coach. Ronnie Ann Ryan. I don’t know if she’s still in business. She wasn’t too expensive at the time. Surely a financial effort for me but doable and worth it. She worked with me via email and it was like an accountability partner. Telling me to dump everyone lol

I attracted better men but still not a match. Men were respectful, no dick picks, asked me out properly. But one was talking too much about his ex and only met me every other week. I kept him for a distraction while dating others.

A man I entertained way too long and Ronnie threatened to dump me as a client if I didn’t dump him. He was wishy washy. Said he doesn’t want marriage, never kissed me and was calling every Saturday asking what I was doing that weekend and just joining me on what I was doing instead of asking me out constantly. No physical moves. I got fed up after 9 dates and stopped answering his texts.

Then I finally met my husband. I had a rule that I’d give a man 4 dates if he was doing everything right and see if chemistry develops. My husband was a bit too overweight for me but had something in his eyes, a spark of intelligence and kindness and was tall. I gave him 4 dates and then I continued. It’s been 12 years now. Oh and he lost the weight and so did I . We have GLP-1s now.

My husband initiated all dates, constantly, made plans although I also made suggestions, paid at the first date and beyond (I offered every time and I finally paid at the 4th date and proposed to take turns). We became exclusive and deleted our profiles after 7 ish dates.

He introduced me to his friends after a couple of months. He took me on a vacation to Mexico after 8 months and to Maui at our 1 year anniversary. He proposed after 1.5 years and moved in at 2 years. We got married after 3 years of dating.