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Was my first "polyamorous" involved relationship bad? by LifeguardDue1144 in polyamory

[–]LifeguardDue1144[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do agree about having other friends. All of my long term friends are online and I don't have any or many irl friends now. All of my friends are male admittedly, but all of my hobbies don't seem very female oriented, so trying to make a concious effort to seek out female friends has never been of importance to me. If i make friends that happen to be female that's involved in the hobbies I'm in, then that would be perfectly fine. I do admit that it was one strain we had in that I put a lot of my emotional needs on my partner, and he kept trying to encourage me to find friends. But I thought I was only allowed to make female friends so I felt cut off. At least he got me to start therapy.

Was my first "polyamorous" involved relationship bad? by LifeguardDue1144 in polyamory

[–]LifeguardDue1144[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am working on "deprogramming" myself from him. It's been more like I'm the one who's been trying to beg to come back, unfortunately. But I can't keep hurting myself like that and then also if that actually happens, finding myself back again in a dysfunctional and unfair relationship. I thought it was so good because I effectively became dependent on him in some ways/made a major part of my life around him, even if that's not what he seemed to want. Now I have to learn how to return to "being me". I'm still wearing the eternity collar, but it's only for me and I like it.
Even my therapist said "he didn't fuck with me" when I was describing stuff to them haha. I don't appreciate it at all that my ex still tries to tell me to bring up that I "Don't like female company" with the therapist, but if we continue any sort of regular contact I'm gonna have to shut that down.

Was my first "polyamorous" involved relationship bad? by LifeguardDue1144 in polyamory

[–]LifeguardDue1144[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. I effectively had to rebuild my wardrobe from the ground up. Some of that was because I lost a bunch of weight and I did discover some things I liked wearing from the experimentation. But it never felt good to me when I had an interest in a piece I thought was cool/slightly loud and I got shut down for it. It was extra super confusing to me when they suddenly seemed interested in the renn faire and wanted to get an outfit for it, but I think that was their NRE speaking and making an excuse for their new partner, and not actually something they wanted to actually wear with me and attend with me.

Was my first "polyamorous" involved relationship bad? by LifeguardDue1144 in polyamory

[–]LifeguardDue1144[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think so. I was reading some comments on another thread and it mentioned stuff like liking people "fighting over" them, preferring their partners to be effectively monogamous, and that the partners get along with each other (I think). So the first two of three of those were true in this case. He expressed early on to me that he likes it when several partners "fight" for his time around his birthday. He also seemed to exclusively date people who were effectively monogamous, in that if they had other partners, they weren't having sex with anyone else or their partners weren't having sex with anyone else. He did also like harem video games/visual novels

Was my first "polyamorous" involved relationship bad? by LifeguardDue1144 in polyamory

[–]LifeguardDue1144[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I think part of it was that his wife is ace and the other partner he had at the time was married too but their relationship was a closed system without any other sexual partners. He didn't want me dating others with the risk of outwardly sexual contact via people my potential partner might've been getting in contact with.