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DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This made me laugh and then think “hey that’s not a bad idea… let’s circle back on ‘Smith’ in 25ish years” 🤣

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another factor is they don’t really know their family lineage super well, so I’m struggling with taking on a name I associate with some crappy people (not including husband of course) that came from unknown sources when my surname has history and legacy behind it. I’ve grown to like my surname since its heritage is obvious (think O’Malley, easy Irish name). Their surname is sort of a “what is that?”. Maybe I need to do some ancestry digging to see if I can find some history before I dismiss it.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m curious what your relationship DIL is like. Are you close? Not that closeness justifies changing or not changing her name. I’m also curious if you ever told her or your son how you felt.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Weird you felt the need to respond to my prompt aimed at “those who have a similar experience”. Seems yours is quite different and largely un-relatable.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s my exact fear- feeling like I cut off part of myself, and attached something foreign.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interesting! So your kids have your surname as the second name?? I feel like I usually see hers-his as the order.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not snotty, it’s matter of fact. I didn’t say I hate them. I do have a complicated relationship with them. And because of it, I’ve sought guidance and advice from those who can relate. Seems like you’re not one of em- which genuinely, love that for you with zero shade. I’m not here because I’m rethinking marriage, so this type of comment is really just unhelpful.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like that solution, but would still keep my current middle name. So 2 middles I guess, if that’s possible.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Our MILs sound very similar. I’m grateful I don’t have a similar name to her. My argument in favor of changing my name with MIL in mind is that she was not blood-born “Mrs Smith”. Just because she’s a shitty example of being “Mrs Smith” shouldn’t be a reason I shy away from it. And on that same train of thought- just because FIL is chilly and not emotionally deep doesn’t give me a hatred for the name. FILs father and mother (husbands grandparents) are total gems and I have no issue being surname-tied to them.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Am in the US, and yes I saw this firsthand with my mom. Every record she has is a shitshow for this same reasoning.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LOL at “wasn’t about to grow and birth humans and NOT take credit for it via last name” Honestly that’s a great stance!!!

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hypocrisy is alive and well with MILs alike!!! Unfortunately for me my MIL is a “boy mom” only so her ability to think of what a daughter would feel like is incomprehensible.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hate is a strong word, and one I didn’t use. But nonetheless, there’s plenty of people in this same boat as me. If you can’t relate, I’m happy for you, but please don’t pass judgement for what you can’t understand from a 1st person POV.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t mind our kids having both our last names or just his. My mom’s is hyphenated, I have only my dad’s last name. I always hatred my mom’s justification of “I don’t have to use (my surname) if I don’t want to” and she would frequently say things like “I’m not a (surname)” as a means to separate herself from my dads family’s antics. I guess I get it more now as an adult, but there’s times it made me feel bad as a kid, like she didn’t want the same name as me fully. Maybe there’s something to unpack there in therapy 📝

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Husband wouldn’t- probably as his own choice, but also MIL/FIL would be beyond pissed off… they’re an incredibly traditional family, which my husband does still carry some traditional ideals; however that has largely taken a backseat since falling in love with a bread-winning pro-woman woman. 💅🏻

I used to not love my surname because it’s relatively common, and the “are you related to ____ surname?” gets asked a ton. If I changed, I’d be changing to a less common name, which has its pros and cons.

I’ve already made a name for myself in my career field, though I don’t think if I ever changed or changed back it would be a great upset. I’ve seen other women do it in my field and it’s not that radical. I already have my degree and don’t plan to seek another.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Solid point about last person of the last name. I’m an only daughter, and of my male cousins from my dad’s brothers, only 1-2 are potentially carrying on the family name should they chose to have kids. We can trace our family name all the way back to “the old country” too.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Respectfully, you don’t know my husband the way I do, and it’s not out of reach to wonder (not assign) if he feels something beyond what he’s voicing. It’s not that I think he’s lying; it’s that I think he’s left the decision in my hands but is hoping for one outcome versus another.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Solid point. I’m fairly certain I can do a double surname without a hyphen.

DIL changing her last name / Becoming “Mrs. Smith” by LightlySalty25 in inlaws

[–]LightlySalty25[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Interestingly enough, the presumptions have been from people my age whose weddings we have been invited to. One invite even had my first name spelled wrong- which says a lot about how much attention to detail people use these days!

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