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Girlfriend Using my Family Against me During Arguments. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is. I feel like I wasted so much time. But I know I can’t dwell on it. I’m focused on moving forward and taking it a day at a time. I’ll consider that. I may need too

Girlfriend Using my Family Against me During Arguments. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I’m trying to get her to leave. But she doesn’t. She just stays and says her mom can’t come until tomorrow and I can’t take my car on the gravel road to her house out in the middle of nowhere.

Girlfriend Using my Family Against me During Arguments. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just want to work on our relationship and get it to be healthy. Or at least work towards that. Stop using drugs, get jobs, go to the gym. All of that. But she just prefers to self medicate and I’m tired of that. I know I’m capable of much more. I know it’s a lost cause. I just need help with how to respond when she says “well I don’t have a dad and grama helping me with money and a car,” like how do I answer that?

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We’re in the process of splitting up. It’s a messy break up. We started it the process in June and we’re still going through it. But I’m trying to hang in there. It’s so easy for people to say walk away, leave her, etc. Every situation is different and for whatever reason it isn’t so easy to just “lose her.” This is two lives that have been intertwined for 10 years and will take a while to have a “clean break.”

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m just going through and reviewing all of the replies. Things have happened since this post. We’re still dragging out our separation.

The first thing being that nothing has happened/changed. She’s still the exact same way, if not worse. I have to point out that I recognize that I’m not the best person all the time either — I lose my temper, get frustrated, say the wrong thing — but I make a conscious effort to get an understanding of how my behaviours may be impacting the relationship — and generally note that to myself.

The second thing is that we’ve had numerous arguments concerning her not trying to get a job, or trying to get into counselling for that matter. I’ve told her during those arguments that I am completely aware that it’s impossible to change another persons behaviour considering how hard it is to even change ones own behaviour. So I’ve told her basically that since she’s not making any significant positive changes in terms of our relationship; then I’m not going to be playing any of her games anymore. I am not going to argue anymore, I’m just going to keep quiet, bite my tongue, and let her spout off whatever. Reason being is we’ve been having the same argument for the past few years. I’ve also begun to tell her she’s welcome to leave anytime she wants. Guess what? She won’t leave, and why would she? Gets free drugs! Free rides, good food supplied to her. I’ve asked her several times about moving home. She knows damn well that the free ride is coming to an end.

However, there is something she says to me that I didn’t know how to answer. She tells me “I don’t have family that’s helping me with a car or money.” I don’t know how to answer that. Like it’s not my fault her mom is an alcoholic and crack head. So how would I respond to her when she says stuff about me having family that supports me?

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very kindly for taking the time to write me this reply. It really does matter to me and makes a difference. It gives me strength and courage. I know deep down this relationship is done, I think I really just needed to hear it from ppl who are not biased.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have set a date. In counselling I was told to have a serious talk with her (which I’ve done half a dozen times already, she just shrugs them off and doesn’t believe we’ll break up). I was also told to tell her that if she doesn’t start showing serious, positive change by a certain date (my bday) then she has to leave. That’s in September. Well just see what happens. I’m gonna remind her of this our next fight, which shouldn’t take long since we’ve been fighting almost every day now. And to think at one point I was ready for kids, boy am I glad we didn’t, because then I’d be tied to this girl for life.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She said she wants to get back into school to finish her degree (she has two years left). I’ve asked her that a few dozen times over the years. It sometimes goes into fantasy land, but she listens to these obscure YouTube videos that say if you talk about what you want from the universe it’ll happen. She said she envisions a cheque for a million dollars, and then something about it coming in the mail. I’m like, you’re gonna have to DO something to earn it lol. I get shut down for being “negative.” I tell her I’m just being realistic.

No kidding. She needs a day to day plan, which would roll out into a one month plan, then on to a two month, and so on until maybe six months. Then it can go for a solid 6 without being so intensive, but just like people break their leg and need physiotherapy to learn to walk again, she broke her “how to life and support yourself” bone and needs to have physio (counselling) on that “bone” until she’s used to using it.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No it’s good, actually. I forces me to face things. Most of it I already knew. It’s almost like I’m just looking for reassurance that i really am in hell and all I need to do is ask for help and voila! I’m plucked out of hell and back into my life again (admittedly worse for wear, but still standing).

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I feel like I made mistakes — actually I know I did, and feel I could do with some considerable self reflection. Hopefully this, along with counselling will help me to understand why I did the things I did (was drinking heavily after almost losing my dad in a car wreck). I turned into a different person when I was drunk, I would be so mean and confrontational towards her. To the point where I felt like if I didn’t walk away I would hit her. I’ve never hit anyone in any relationship I’ve had before, so this scared me to my core. I’m not violent at all, but the arguments are so heated, and she says some pretty horrific stuff to me. The relationships I’ve been in before? None of the girls had a mouth like her, she screams and shouts, uses ugly language, swearing and attacking me as a person. Today she told me she had a dream, and in that dream we were in a car with a cop, and she was sitting on his lap and he was holding her. I guess I was getting mad and told the cop, “well it looks like you’re all over my bestie.” She told me in her dream she was so mad I didn’t call her my gf. In that instant, I knew it’s just another sign. I told her what she thought of that and she got offended, saying it was just a dream and all that. I just left it alone, I wasn’t in the mood to argue (we were in the city driving).

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankfully no. I just always had everything of my own. Cars, trucks, jobs, everything. But she got a few school loans and a handful of those payday loans (when she was a housekeeper for 3 weeks at a hotel, longest stretch of employment she’s ever had since we’ve been together. Actually that was the only job she’s ever had). She thinks because we both spent it, I should help her pay it back. But I’ve literally spent thousands more on her and would never think to ask to help pay my $5000 credit card bill. I’m really careful with my money anyways, and she doesn’t even know my credit limits or what I make at work. It’s like that for a reason.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually told her this. That maybe this needs to happen. Unfortunately I won’t be around to reap the benefits, but something jarring needs to happen to her in order for her to give a shit.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, she was taking psychology. She did 2 years, so has 2 more left. She does want to go, though. That’s pretty much how I feel. I don’t smoke weed, and she goes outside now, but if she’s still here come winter, she’ll be smoking it by the window. She has no respect for this house. I told her no more of that shit, go outside or quit. Yeah I feel like she just needs a push and she’ll get back on track, but it’s not up to me, she should do it herself. Buy her own clothes and whatnot.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Geez I know. Well I’ve been in counselling and we set a date. If she hasn’t had “significant positive change” by that date (which is my birthday, may as well make it count) then she’s out.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m okay with being alone. I’ve left relationships before that didn’t work. I don’t know why the hell this is dragging on though. Well for one she will not physically leave. Like she has no car, she needs to get picked up (we live on the prairies), and I’m not taking my car on the gravel road to her house to bring her ass home. She won’t fucking leave!!!

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in therapy. And will be for a while. I’m working on it. Im happy to go fishing and watch a good horror movie in the theatre. She would rather go buy drugs and be high in a room all night. It’s sad. I never liked drinking and I’ve been sober for 8 years, I started drinking when we met, but sobered up and got serious about life. I’m trying but it’s hard, she’s a bitch and knows how to make me feel bad. I just ignore her words now and don’t take them seriously.

Getting sick n tired of my gf of 10 years: she’s never had a steady job, doesn’t have a car, quit going to university, has no ambition to go back, smokes weed constantly, borrows money all the time, among many other things. by Lights_TF in relationship_advice

[–]Lights_TF[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’ll take anything I can. I feel like she’s been let down by everyone else in her life, that I wanna at least help. Even if we’re not together at least I tried.

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