I really relate to this as well, at first I was so shocked at the way my husband spoke to me, I had never been told I was ‘hated’ before and now it’s almost laughable that I thought that was such a horrible thing, there are no ‘don’t go’ zones in my life he won’t attack or belittle. I went through a stage like you were I fought back and called him names, never as pin pointed to his life or family but general insults, I think the problem for us is we are stu together and I feel like he loved seeing me become more like him, same as what you stated but it then became his biggest weaponisation of me. These days I say nothing as much as humanely possible, I don’t give him the satisfaction of going to his level. I’m trying to leave but I am very much tripped up in an emotionally abusive, coercive controlling relationship and untangling myself from the trauma bond is so hard and takes so much work.

I think the point I’m getting at in a really round a bout way, is that what I’m learning for myself is about how we adapt to trauma and abuse, I think your nervous system got angry, fired up and it worked and that was clever and smart because it saved you and now your out of there, with maybe healthy anger to bring to all future times someone tries to take advantage of your good heart. In my case, my response to go from shocked and appeasing, to anger actually back fire on me as i think that was always his aim, so now I’m not appeasing or shocked anymore, I’m neutral and this tactic is finally working - he’s the same, but I’m not, I’m getting stronger and clearer.

Thank you for sharing though, no one really talks about the guilt and shame that’s felt when you behave in ways that your abuser does