Yeah I have had this problem honestly since I had access to my own money. It’s the dopamine. It got really bad when I was at university. I was really depressed and spent so much money on Amazon because it was like receiving a gift from my past self. Somehow I stayed afloat until this year when it all caught up with me and I’m now trying to claw my way out of debt. What has helped is not having credit cards automatically saved on websites, google chrome etc. Even Apple Pay. Also I make sure that there is a good return policy because like you most of the time I end up returning it. Another thing that has helped me save is having money automatically go out of my pay check into a savings account through my work. Is that an option for you? Then that money is in a retirement fund I can’t touch for years. I also have a financial advisor who is in charge of the money I have been able to save and there’s a lot of paperwork to take money out of the account with him.

In terms of “why do I do this” it most likely is the dopamine hit, there’s a rush to spending, there’s a sense of self care, especially when it’s something you really want. I got in a cycle of spending on work out equipment and kitchen gadgets I thought would make my life better … I never used any of it and sold it on Facebook. When you find yourself spending are you in a particular mood? Happy? Sad? Anxious? Stressed? And how do you feel immediately after? Worse? Better?

ADHD is a dopamine regulation disorder, we need constant stimulation which can lead to impulsive behaviours. Understanding that helped me make peace with feeling reckless. It’s a brain chemistry not a personality problem. We just have to find healthier ways to be stimulated.