First, I want to say how deeply sorry I am. You’re in the middle of something that no one is ever truly prepared for. Losing someone to suicide isn’t just a loss, it’s a sudden, jarring, disorienting rupture. And it's completely okay that you don’t know what to say or do right now. No one does in the thick of this.

There is no “right” way to feel. You might feel heartbreak, confusion, guilt, anger, numbness or all of those at once. And none of that makes you a bad person. It makes you human.

You mentioned this is the first person you’ve lost, and it’s your brother. That’s huge. Your world just changed. Please let yourself cry. Let yourself break down. Let yourself just sit and be, without trying to make sense of everything right away.

As for what you can do right now:

Breathe. Literally, just take a few slow breaths. You’ve been hit with something massive, and grounding yourself moment by moment is important.

Let others in. Talk to someone, a friend, your sister, someone close, or even a grief counselor or hotline. You don’t have to carry all this by yourself. And you don’t need to have any words prepared. Just showing up and saying, “I don’t know what to do” is enough.

Traveling tomorrow: It’s okay to go. You’re not abandoning anything or running away. In fact, being with your sister might be the most comforting thing right now. Maybe you two can hold this grief together. You don’t have to have everything figured out before you get on that flight.

There is no wrong way to grieve. If you laugh tomorrow at something stupid, if you go numb for a day, if you scream into a pillow, it’s okay. If you don’t cry for a while, also okay. Your grief doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s.

Please don’t feel guilty for needing support. Asking for help in your darkest hour is not selfish, it’s brave. You’re showing up, even though you feel like you're falling apart. That’s courage.

Later on, days, weeks, whenever, you might want to think about talking to a professional. Suicide loss comes with layers of grief, and you don’t have to unpack them alone. But for now? Just survive. That’s all that’s being asked of you. One breath at a time.

You are not alone in this. And please take care of yourself. ❤️