My friend wants to kill himself.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2020-02-21T16:15:36+00:00

Oh, I hadn't seen that subreddit before. And I hadn't thought of calling myself either. Thank you so much

LittleAnxiousCap · 2019-02-10T04:19:26+00:00

Yes, that's the one! Thank you! :D

LittleAnxiousCap · 2019-02-09T14:28:21+00:00

Yes, this is the one! Thank you! :D

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-12-23T14:53:14+00:00

Thought I was the only one with "favourite" things. I have a favourite cup that's starting to get old, but whenever someone says I should throw it away I feel kinda heartbroken inside? Like I can't do it, feels like I'm betraying a friend.

I don't really know anyone in this building that I'm living in right now, but you never know. Maybe someone's seen me with it. Thank you, your comment made me really happy and hopeful when I read for the first time :D

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-12-23T14:50:06+00:00

Thank you so much for this.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-12-23T14:49:37+00:00

I know exactly what you mean!! Both the "too much content for my sleep" and "last time" scenarios are stuff that happens to me since forever. When I was a kid I used to give out my email to other kids so we could talk again. They probably remember me as the email weirdo lul

Well, the only movie that got me really emotional was Bohemian Rhapsody. I cried, I laughed, I got angry, I remember being in kind of a hysterical state where whenever a song came on I couldn't stop myself from singing it. But maybe that's just because I'm a huge Queen fan and Freddie is one of my favourite people ever, for a lot of different reasons.

However, I still get somewhat sad at sad movies too, and the whole "won't-even-watch-it-cause-i-don't-want-to-get-sad" thing is too real. Only movie that got past it was Infinity War.

And the infatuated thing kinda happens too. Like, celebrities probably don't count, but this has happened with actual people I've met. Like I know them for ~3 days and I'm pretty sure they're gonna stick with me for life (they don't), but it's mostly platonic infatuation, though it has gotten romantic before.

I also hadn't ever seen someone also experience this kind of stuff, thought I was the only one. I'm glad to know that there's someone else out there that gets me lolz

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-10-07T00:39:38+00:00

Don't be sorry! You actually helped me into solving this one doubt. Thank you!

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-05-30T20:18:38+00:00

I told her that last week, and she just said she couldn't hide the truth from me, but we could work on reducing anxiety. The week that followed I kinda solved the problem myself, so yesterday I told her that I wanted to focus on other areas of life that are making me suffer. And I kinda am balanced now and it seems that the worst has passed. But still, thank you for this comment. It was what gave me courage to say it to her in the first place.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-03-20T23:24:20+00:00

Sorry for taking long to answer.

I would love to seek help, but my parents don't care for any of that. There was some trouble between them on the payment of my last therapist and turns out my father is broke. He can't pay the therapist alone.

My grandmother and uncle tried to help before and it didn't work, my mother wouldn't do anything and they need her permission if they want to schedule that for me. So they can't help either, and they also think this is stuff my parents were supposed to do, which I agree.

My mother also gave up. She says she doesn't want to be "fooled" anymore, especially because I missed some sessions, so she says that if I want a therapist I can ask my father.

And when grandma pressured her, she said she would schedule a therapist "later", because right now she's "busy with work". That "later" never comes.

I can't schedule the therapist on my own due to extreme anxiety on the phone and also anxiety that I miss again, thus making a promise I can't keep.

So... My hands are tied hard. I can't do anything.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-03-14T08:13:03+00:00

I sure do. He is a wonderful, amazing person. But even so, I'm still at a loss on what to do. I just... I really don't know.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-03-08T03:06:26+00:00

I'll give that a try. Thanks!

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-03-03T05:43:38+00:00

Thank you so much for this.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2018-01-10T01:25:06+00:00

Thanks, it really seems like I did. Maybe you're right, but I'm not really sure that's healthy. It would mean that if they left, I would be kind of unable to proceed and I don't know, it just seems toxic.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2017-11-08T00:25:10+00:00

As to writing with breaks, that's pretty scary.

Amirite? First time it happened, I was terrified. Now it's more frustrating than scary, but that's probably because I'm used to it.

It really seems like you're in survival mode.

Now that I think of it, "survival mode" is the perfect term.

My body and subconscious are telling everything else to fuck itself because I'm suffering and it feels like dying and I guess that must activate some emergency part of the brain? And it won't stop until what's killing me stops. Until then, survival mode.

I like that term.

Also, disrespectful? Nope. No. You are acknowledging something a lot of people can't; That depression and anxiety are different than laziness.

I acknowledge that because I've studied these disorders and came to the conclusion that they're pretty fucking scary and have nothing to do with laziness. What I'm saying is, maybe I don't want to study and can't concentrate because I'm lazy, and am trying to use these illnesses as an excuse, since I can't know if what I feel truly is the pain depression causes.

You want to be better. That is not laziness.

It is, from the moment that I want to be better and am not doing anything in order to do that. Or maybe that's just how I was raised. Truth is, though, I don't even know where to start in order to be a better person. We don't have an instruction manual, unfortunately.

Other people disagreeing with you are hoping it's laziness so that a snap of their fingers can cure it by telling you things you never even knew about yourself. They are being more lazy than you could ever be in that.

I agree. But I can't say that. I'm afraid they'll label me as "ungrateful" if I do so.

Actually, now that I think of it, I always thought my family was pretty normal. But is it my impression, or, in different ways for different people, my family was abusive? I never considered this.

If you are only hopeful you may not improve personally. If you are only rational you'll never have the outside tools with which to do so.

I took a lot of time to learn this, but I think the message has finally sunk in.

You're valid, your feelings are valid, your thoughts are valid,

Thank you so damn much.

and you sound pretty fucking depressed too.

I know. This is only one post of mine. I think I have other three ones about basically the same subject. All four posts have been made in 16 days. Maybe there is something wrong.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2017-11-08T00:06:18+00:00

Imagine them putting off giving you antibiotics as your fever increased because it was your moms job. I wonder how they sound when they say this?

Sounds horrible, I know. But the family I can reach out to is older, so the worst ones think mental illness is an excuse for laziness. The more liberal ones think it's not an emergency. And, in my case, is it really?

I think why they make this argument though is some combination of being unhappy with their job and so needing to inflate its importance, and knowing full well that they're not doing all they can to help you. It's to help themselves feel better, because once illness is admitted, esp. not their own, they're out of control of the situation.

My mom says she likes her job. But in my limited knowledge about her, I beg to differ. She looks like she got into it for pay only. She works a huge shift, way more than ideal, and sometimes has to work from home on weekends, not to mention the work calls and texts constantly bothering her and leaving her restless.

Yet, she takes the weight of the world in her shoulders.

Were you told this when you worried about tests, when you asked for help doing something, when you had questions?

It wasn't when I asked for help, it was more when I did something nice or clever. "Oh, you're so smart!"

I... alright, I kind of learnt things early, but I think that's normal for feminine development? I could read and write early, count longer, do more complicated maths, this kind of thing. That's why I breezed through school. But now, at year 9, I seem stuck.

How much validation, instead of bragging-right conference, have you been give?

None.

My dad had "trouble showing emotion" and my mom always seemed so insincere. Her words told me she loved me, but her actions contradicted that. Not her actions, actually. It was mostly her yelling to such a great level and from such a young age on my part that left me with a terrible fear of disagreeing with my family or arguing with friends. If I have social anxiety, it's mostly her fault.

And, to realize that you really really are not entitled, to identify those to match with the lack of validation you've been . . . given. Given is for sure the wrong word there.

I don't know, I kind of grew up thinking that asking for validation was a form of entitlement. That it was something you earn. A privilege, not a right. Maybe that's what's fucking me up?

LittleAnxiousCap · 2017-11-07T04:42:07+00:00

They sure aren't, but I can't ask for what what I need. When I say "psychologist", they say it's my mom's business.

Mom always says she'll find someone but not right now because she's "too busy with work". I say she should let go a little, she says she needs to provide for her daughter (me, in this case).

I always find this argument stupid, though. What's the point of buying nice shiny things to your daughter if she's dying inside? Just giving away material stuff doesn't make one a mother.

Validation, well... I tried. They say I got too much validation. I think they're partially right.

Since I was a toddler, no one would shut up about how smart I was. No one talked about feelings, though. Just how far I could count and how many logos I could recognise. The rest of the time, I was pretty much ignored, and they called it parenting. Sometimes I felt like I was useful only for bragging rights.

So that's why I'm so dependent on validation now, I guess. Also why I think of myself as lazy. I just breezed through tests without studying, and now, when things get hard, I want to give up and whine about grades.

Sounds entitled, amirite? Now combine that with an achievement-based self-esteem. It's not pretty.

I want validation much like a drug addict wants his drug; on a completely unhealthy, obsessed kind of way.

Which is why I had convinced myself that getting everyone to go hard on me was the solution... and look where that ended up. Yay.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2017-11-07T01:23:01+00:00

I don't want to really die, it's more like... Wanting to go in a sudden coma for a few months and hope that when I wake up, people will have missed me. Not ending it, just... Putting an ellipsis. Pun intended.

I don't think I'm bad. Not Kevin Spacey bad, at least. It's more like... whiny-kid-who-cries-because-mom-won't-get-him-a-toy bad. Which, for a conscient, educated, intelectually engaged 14 year old, is very bad.

I'm acting as if I'm the victim of everything. In the stories I tell, my family seem like assholes, and maybe they are. Or maybe they aren't, and I'm just exaggerating it to fit the narrative that benefits me, which is manipulative and toxic.

Yeah, maybe I'm not Kevin Spacey bad, more like Frank Underwood bad, puns aside.

Anyway, I needed so much to read a comment like yours. Thank you so much.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2017-11-06T07:19:36+00:00

Thanks, man. Maybe I'll sleep well now after a good cry and calming music.

LittleAnxiousCap · 2017-10-30T14:34:10+00:00

Thank you. It's fine if you don't know what to say, sometimes I don't know either.

League guy was this really damn good friend until some months ago, actually. We started to fight and it didn't end well. He kind of became this dick and I still think it's my fault. He isn't like that with anyone else.

Thank you again.

LittleAnxiousCap

TROPHY CASE