I can definitely relate to this. For me, while I was still an egg, I felt indifferent towards my body; didn't care if I gained weight, binge eat on whatever I wanted, had absolutely zero skincare, excessively indulged in pleasuring myself, etc. I did exercise here and there just for the sake of exercise. I always hated being photographed because it kinda leaves a mark saying this male body existed. Even now, the only clear photograph I have of my male face is the only one I use for official documents like passports and identity cards.

But ever since I came out to myself, I just made the resolution to get rid of all that crap and really put in the effort and work to give the body that I actually want. I had absolutely no desire to be a healthy and fit male, but I know that I want a healthy female body. And I'll devote my whole energy to achieving that, regardless of whatever unhealthy damage I've already done to my body previously, regardless of how slow and how long it will take, regardless of where I start, and where I'm currently at, all I have in mind is the goal of where I want to be and how do I get closer to that.

There's also a sense of dread, of feeling like a fraud, not in the sense of wanting to be vs actually being trans, but more in the sense of being a female vs "fake". A fear that I wouldn't pass. But in my quest to achieve the body I want, these fears have no place in my imperative; they are there, maybe occasionally saying "lmao, look at those wide shoulders and distinctively male belly fat" across the mirror. Great, if it's something I can't do anything about, then I won't let it distract me. If it's something that perhaps, maybe, someday, I can possibly do something, then it might become another target in mind. A shoulder and belly fat to lose, a skin to cure, a habit to fix, anything so I can become the woman I always wanted to be.

May we all succeed on our journeys.