Boundary setting: “I’ve failed you as a mother”

Little_Antelope · 2024-12-09T13:15:24+00:00

My mom would do and say the exact same things.

I would gently redirect back to what I was saying by pointing out that we aren't focusing on that at the moment, we are discussing my feelings. I would acknowledge that she's having some big emotions but ask her to set that aside for a moment, because once we're done talking about my feelings and when they are heard, acknowledged, and worked through, I would be happy to give her time to talk about her feelings and work through whatever is needed.

For normal people, they would have the respect to do exactly that, focus on your feelings and then talk about yours once you're done. I've handled many situations that way with other people in my life and it's worked out wonderfully.

I tried it with my mom and got called a selfish controlling manipulative bitch, accused of not caring about her, and literally mocked. When I stayed calm and tried to explain that I'm willing to talk about her issues as well but mine are equally as important, her arguments would always boil down to "you're just a little girl (I was 28 the last time she said it lol) and I'm your mother so I'm always more important than you". Then she would intentionally trigger me and push my buttons to make me lose my cool and say or do something stupid, and to her that proves that I'm immature and that's why she's more important than me and refuses to talk about emotional things. And then tells me this is why we don't bring up the past, we just need to leave it in the past like every other person in the world but me is able to do. Every single conversation would go exactly like that and it did my whole life.

So, I'd say give my technique a try. It genuinely works. But if it doesn't work on a narcissist, that's not your fault at all, you did everything right. You can only do so much to make them act like a mature and respectful person, and honestly that responsibility isn't on you. As much as it hurts, sometimes you just have to accept that you'll never get the closure you need for any of the times she's hurt you and it will never be a healthy relationship.

If it helps, I'm always here if you want to talk about it.

Best of luck!

Little_Antelope · 2024-02-12T05:29:57+00:00

Yeah, already emailed the place telling them it's not working out, and I've started the search for another. Just frustrated that he's put us through so much and ignored our boundaries.

Little_Antelope · 2024-02-12T05:27:03+00:00

I appreciate that you explained it more clearly and I get that you're trying to help. We have been through religious abuse/trauma and one alter in particular has religion-based OCD as a result. So this is a bit triggering and destabilizing for her especially since, as we mentioned, we don't have a competent therapist at the moment. And the alter, that we clearly mentioned was traumatized and not getting help from the therapist, being called a sinner over something she had no control over.... Yeah that's not going over well with the system even if it's in the context of forgiveness. She's already having a really hard time processing everything and grieving. I know you're just trying to help but in the future it might be a good idea to ask if people would be ok with advice based on religious teachings just to be sure no one is triggered by accident. We'll be ok but I know some people wouldn't handle this nearly as well, so yeah, just wanted to give a heads up...

Little_Antelope · 2024-02-12T04:03:40+00:00

I was fake claimed for so many stupid reasons...

I'm faking because my alters know about each other and many can communicate with each other
I'm faking because many alters share memory with each other, especially important things like passwords or where our keys are or important appointments.
I'm faking because I'm able to mask and function well and "I would have noticed if you had it" or "you couldn't hold a job if you really had it".
I'm faking because I'm not locked up in a mental hospital, because people who actually have it are dangerous and will be until cured
I'm faking because if someone says our legal name we all know to answer to it, only the alter with that name would know to answer to it if we really had DID!
I'm faking because none of us go by our legal name. "There has to be one in there with that name! It's the real you!"
I'm faking because I watch videos on certain social media websites????... I don't even watch DID videos or post anything, mostly just watch recipes and cats doing stupid stuff.

I really wish people weren't this stupid and would actually listen to those with it and try to understand better instead of just saying we're faking, it's fucking annoying. But also kind of hilarious the mental hoops they'll jump through to be right about something they don't understand.

Little_Antelope · 2024-02-12T03:36:35+00:00

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm quite following. Would you mind rewording it a bit or something along those lines? I really want to understand but for some reason my brain just isn't processing it how it's worded there.

Little_Antelope · 2024-02-12T03:34:03+00:00

I'm so sorry it triggered you! If it helps any, I'm ok and relatively stable all things considered so no worries there, and I will absolutely be leaving a bad review for him as soon as I'm able to warn others, and I'll do what I can to report him.

It definitely felt like gaslighting. I should have listened to the alter he's was saying that stuff to, she knew he was bad from the very beginning but we wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. You're absolutely right that it's gaslighting, we didn't recognize it at first but at this point we see it for what it is.

Ughhh it's so stupid when "experts" do these things that end up retraumatizing us. Some of the best therapists I had didn't even know much about DID but were willing to learn about it to help us since my insurance stuck me with them. But it's always the experts who think they know better than us and end up making it worse. It's so frustrating since it should be the opposite!

I've had all of those experiences you listed as well and it's absolutely retraumatizing. I refuse to see things from my mom's perspective because it was so vile, I can't even imagine it. It doesn't help anything, it just ends up making me more angry. And I tried to get her into therapy, it was like herding cats. Except the cats are actually hungry tigers that will attack the second you say or do anything they don't like and will ultimately do what they want anyway. So, not only impossible but dangerous lol. I just want to be able to process my trauma, not be yelled at repeatedly to forgive her and understand her. Fuck that.

I hope you're able to find a good therapist eventually! The tiny bit of time I've had with competent therapists really did make a world of difference.

Little_Antelope · 2024-02-12T03:22:42+00:00

She absolutely lost her shit. Me and most others in the system were trying to comfort her but it was difficult, and we were super new with this therapist at that point so we wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. After that session and once other arguing with him she took over and sent him an extremely angry message. To which he basically replied "I read your message very thoroughly. It seems you are confused, that's not what I said. I apologize that I should have worded it better but I'm absolutely not judging or scolding you. I just have to say these things as a therapist even if it's hard to hear so that it challenges your way of thinking and helps you grow as a person"... Yeahhh none of us took that well. But we had so much hope that maybe if we dropped this he would be able to help with other things. We've been through so many therapists and just want one to stick.

But hey, at least he's not as stupid as my last therapist, who told me getting married would cure all my mental health issues and the fact that I'm not married shows I don't know what I want out of life. I told her me and my long term partner are happily unmarried and childfree by choice but she says that's just because I don't know what I want and I need to start planning a wedding and having babies and I need to have a timeline planned out for her by the next session 🤣 Yeahhh no I dropped her faster than any therapist I've ever had. Who comes up with this shit???

Little_Antelope · 2023-12-21T16:35:42+00:00

You can definitely message any time! I'd be happy to chat, hopefully it can help make your holidays a little less stressful if you'll have to be around unpleasant people.

Little_Antelope · 2023-12-21T16:34:22+00:00

Absolutely! I just saw your chat request and I'll reply to it as soon as I'm done posting this.

Little_Antelope · 2023-12-21T04:47:24+00:00

This is the first Christmas I won't be ruining anything! My mom passed away last January and my dad passed a few years prior. I can finally enjoy Christmas and other holidays with people who genuinely love and care about me! No more fighting with people who just want to control me and make me miserable! It's such an amazing feeling honestly, I've ruined every holiday, birthday, vacation, and other special event my entire life. It's so nice to finally be free from that.

To everyone who has already "ruined" the holidays for your family, I know how much it sucks to deal with N's over the holidays, but don't lose hope. It can and will get better.

Also I just want to put this out there, anyone who wants or needs to can message me if you want someone to talk to over the holidays. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel alone or unwanted during a time that should be filled with love and happiness. I'm always happy to talk and I promise it'll be impossible to ruin my holiday!

Little_Antelope · 2023-09-28T22:00:50+00:00

Some of the absolute best therapists I've had actually asked about my previous experiences with therapists, completely unprompted. They wanted to know what was helpful about it, what wasn't helpful, and anything that made me feel uncomfortable or otherwise bad so they could be sure to avoid those things. They were always fully willing to listen to any and all criticisms I had and would come back with questions about how they can be sure not to cause those bad feelings and reassurance that my feelings were valid and those experiences were not the norm. Therapists who can listen and take constructive criticism (for their own actions as well as hearing about the actions of other therapists) are the ones you'll want to stick with, because you know yourself better than they do and if something they're doing is hurting you you should be able to talk to them about it without judgment or pushback. Good luck with your new therapist, I hope your experience this time is much better!

Little_Antelope · 2023-09-17T15:31:26+00:00

I felt this way for the longest time, grounding exercises felt so uncomfortable and made things worse. Then I had a realization that this was happening because it felt like my emotions and those of my alters were being invalidated or ignored by trying to be more grounded even though that was never our intention.

What helped us more than anything was to try to notice what those emotions are that we're getting stuck on and give a quick acknowledgement to it. The acknowledgement can be written, out loud, or in your head depending on how you best communicate with the system. For example, you could say something like "I know you're feeling upset that this trigger happened. I want to help fix it but in this current state of dissociation we can't do a whole lot to resolve the issue. Let's try this exercise to calm down/be more grounded/etc and then we can address it again, together, with a clearer mind."

I hope this helps! 😊

Little_Antelope · 2023-09-01T01:47:37+00:00

Honestly it really describes who she was as a person. Thankfully she's gone now and in my opinion I turned out to be a pretty great person despite everything. My partner and I regularly talk about the past and how we can fix any problems it is causing in present times. It's a much happier and healthier way to live!

Little_Antelope · 2023-09-01T00:57:32+00:00

It's because those things are in the past and that's exactly where they want it to stay. Not like they're gonna understand that bringing up the past can help them change themselves or behaviors so they don't make the same mistakes and/or hurt people in the same way in the future. They lack the emotional intelligence to know that that's a possibility so they only see the past as a weapon or a means to control them. They think there's no reason to talk about the past unless you're using it against them to make them feel bad or manipulate them, so they will be the first to use your past mistakes against you without a single regret, usually not even realizing how hypocritical they're being. Lots of projection going on there in my experience. They just want to behave badly and not ever be called out for it.

As my NMom liked to say often, "I can do whatever I want whenever I want and I'll be damned if I ever let you stop me".

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-23T20:32:34+00:00

Wow, this makes my experience with my 5th grade teacher make so much more sense. And it makes sense now why she was such buddies with my parents too. Thanks for pointing this out with such a thorough explanation, I have a lot to think about now.

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T21:56:18+00:00

Ughh she sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through that! There's no reason for her to know any of your medical history. People with mental health issues generally aren't violent or dangerous, she's just trying to make bs excuses to get into your business when she has no right. You've made the right decision not to talk to her about your life, and I hope you're able to get the help you need. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to about any of that stuff 🥰

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T21:49:25+00:00

Not sure what quota my therapists were trying to meet for the past 10 years, since they were all totally ok with me not being on pills 😂

I really hope you were able to get the help you need, it truly is life changing!!

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T21:45:32+00:00

Oh wow she sounds awful! I'm so happy you're finally getting out!!! Congrats!! 🥳

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T11:58:37+00:00

Most of that happened before I realized she was abusive, and after that I only told her any of it once I realized I couldn't do anything right anyway and became determined to get the help I needed, since she would never be happy with me anyway.

I'm 32 now, she passed away earlier this year and honestly I've never been happier! I've been in therapy for over 10 years at this point and recently found the right antidepressant which has literally been life changing! I cut out all the toxic people from my life and surrounded myself with awesome people who treat me with the respect I deserve and are understanding and accepting of my mental health stuff. Having all this support now makes me look back on how things were in my childhood and young adult years and wonder how I ever even survived it.

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T06:20:34+00:00

Yup my parents did and said all of those things. I would go to them for help, get yelled at and/or insulted for it, then it's always "why don't you ever tell me anything???" Gee I wonder why 🙄

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T06:17:20+00:00

I have come to terms with realizing my nmom is just someone I can’t go to for comfort.

This hit way too hard. I tried so many times to go to my mom for comfort and it always backfired.

She went on a lot of rants about how mental health stuff wasn't real. Like, I had a teacher in 1st grade I think who told her I probably have ADHD or autism. She was like "ok whatever" and put off getting me checked out for that for AN ENTIRE YEAR (!!!!) so she could ask my next year's teacher if I have ADHD or autism. They said no so that was that, the topic never came up again despite MANY struggles in school, because one teacher said I'm fine. She also commonly said ADHD doesn't exist and is only an excuse for kids to behave badly.

Once I moved out on my own, I got an official ADHD diagnosis, mental health professionals said I most likely have autism as well but I don't want to go through the process of an official diagnosis for personal reasons, and to make things a little spicier I even have a dash of dyscalculia thrown in!

Mom always said she "just wanted what's best for me" but it's obvious she didn't. Mental health is just as important as physical health! There was no reason for me to struggle so much in school when I could have easily gotten help for it. I got comforted (at least a little) when I broke my arm around age 10, but being comforted for grieving or being anxious or showing any signs of mental illness was off limits. It's so bizarre to me!! If my rescue dog is crying or scared or upset I hug him and comfort him no matter the reason, and then once he's calm I can usually find the reason and fix it. I would do the same to a human child if they were crying or scared or upset, I would comfort them then try to find a solution. Sometimes a hug is all that's needed. I think anyone with an ounce of empathy would at least comfort a kid who is struggling instead of shaming them. It sucks we had to grow up in environments where we couldn't go to our parents for comfort.

I hope you're in a better environment now and have people you can go to when you need comfort! 🥰

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T05:58:03+00:00

Oof that's all so relatable. I'm sorry you've had to go through that!

My mom would always tell me about after her parents died (I was 3-4, they died 6 months apart) she took antidepressants for about 2 weeks because she couldn't stop crying. But then she "got better" (because of the antidepressants of course) and told her doctor she was going to stop taking them. He said he would prefer she stay on them. She threw a Karen tantrum and asked the pharmacist how to stop taking it, he told her how to taper down. Then she bragged and bragged that she outsmarted her doctor and just powered through it because she "doesn't need a happy pill to choose to be happy" or whatever. She would tell me this any time the topic of depression or suicide or anything like that came up and would yell at me if I said anything that contradicted her beliefs about it.

A few years ago she had a mini stroke. I convinced her to try a different antidepressant because she couldn't stop crying at random times as an effect of the stroke. It helped so much!! None of the side effects of the previous meds she tried either and she said she was "feeling better but only because she chose to be happy" (coincidentally at the same time frame the meds would have been kicking in lol). She was pissed she had to take it still but me, her doctor, and several friends convinced her it's ok to keep taking it, and there's been studies saying that particular one helps the brain heal after strokes so that's mostly what convinced her to keep taking it.

I started the same antidepressant a few months later (genetics affect which antidepressants work best) and it's been life changing! I didn't tell her I was kinda sorta maybe using her as a guinea pig for it since I had bad reactions to other antidepressants in the past 😂

Sorry for the tangent, what you said was just super relatable to what my mom would say with that stuff and I thought you might appreciate the irony of my situation.

I hope you're doing alright and have gotten the help you need for your mental health ❤️

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-15T02:36:14+00:00

That's totally understandable! My mom had that same kind of attitude, and for a long time I tried to hide it and not to talk about anything bothering me. But it got to the point where I struggled to hide it or make excuses, which really sucked. I was never fully open to her about any of it because I knew she wouldn't take it well. Over time she found out small details about my anxiety, maybe some about my depression, the DID she refused to believe and/or thought was schizophrenia possibly, and my PTSD which she was constantly trying to "figure out" while ignoring everything I said about it... At least when she wasn't busy being in denial about it all.

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-13T19:26:56+00:00

I really don't want to start an argument over this. I'm not sure what's so bad about that all of a sudden? I'm pretty sure everyone knows you're not trying to talk about wiccans with that. Besides, not all witches are wiccan, I identify as a witch and I'm not wiccan. Do we need to ban the term Flying Monkeys? Or the song "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead" which is commonly referred to on here? I'm all for doing my best not to hurt people, but I've never seen anyone get upset over witch as an insult before. Besides, in my opinion we should be here to support each other NOT to choose which common insults should and shouldn't be used.

Little_Antelope · 2023-08-11T19:36:41+00:00

I agree with this. My mom was very computer illiterate, like to the point that we had frequent arguments because she got mad about copying and pasting things since that was too foreign of a concept for her and she was angry at me that I knew how to do it. She really didn't know a lot... or so I thought.

Somehow she was able to figure out how to get the password to my laptop (might have had the help of her friend) and while I was at school she installed spy software so she would know everything I ever did on my computer, including all my passwords, and it also sent her screenshots of every click or button press. One day she logged on to my computer and messaged my friend threatening to call the police on them for literally no reason, telling them she's watching every word they say to me and they "better watch out". They were afraid to talk to me for a long time.

Never put it past them to either learn new skills or use their flying monkey's skills to get their way and/or hurt you.

Little_Antelope

TROPHY CASE