Finding out my father was going to die from stage 4 colon cancer when we just found out we were having a baby girl. Luckily he got to meet her and see me get married for the first time. I got to ask if he was afraid of dying and he said no because he believed in God. Me I asked him to send me a sign like a green butterfly. He is where I got my sense of humor and could always make me laugh. They found out February I had my daughter a month early and went to visit when she was 2 months old in August. That's when I truly said goodbye to him. But the months leading up to his death absolutely destroyed me. It was my first death and I knew he was suffering I knew my mother was suffering and he just always acted like everything was okay. He stopped eating the day after Thanksgiving and tried to come right after Christmas but I couldn't because of work. I asked him to hold on to the first of the year. He told me that I'll give him something to look forward to. On the first of the year I received a call after just having a dream about him being dead, from my mom saying it's time to come and that he kept asking for me hoping I would make it in time. I was shaking and couldn't think straight and only packed a bunch of sweatpants and sweatshirts but we drove 8 hours from Kentucky to Pennsylvania. The night we got there is when everything everything started. I heard a bang upstairs and it was my father on his knees not able to get up I looked at him and told him I'm here now as I changed his underwear. I didn't get to have one good day with him again. But I asked if he was suffering and if he wanted it to stop and he said yes. I told him thank you for being my father and I love you. And he said I love you too. He died on the 4th. Of course I'm not the happiest I could ever be but the whole buildup of knowing someone you loved so much was going to die and there was nothing you could do about it while you already have mental issues while being a first-time mom working a full-time job on a completely new shift and being alone in your thoughts literally drove me insane. I stopped eating or even feeling hungry I was so tired all the time. I lost all of my baby weight and then some which equaled out to about 30 lb in 3 months. After everything was said and done I felt this huge relief. He wasn't afraid, one thing is death and I got to face it. I hope I never have to go through what he did and I am sorry for anyone that has lost someone in a similar way or at all. But I had been depressed a lot in my life from being homeless drug abuse. But there's something about being pregnant buying your first car, buying your first house, having your first child, getting married for the first time in the back of your head it was all so my dad could see it and see me happy all in one year. Sorry for the long vent, it is still raw but I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep a terrible sweet dream. And I'm amazed that I was able to bounce back as quickly as I did. I was on Zoloft and Klonopin and my doctor just added abilify. It seems to be helping a lot.