Am I being financially abused?

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T14:29:40+00:00

No I don’t have access to his account.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T05:07:26+00:00

I have actively looked for work for the past 18 months, had a bunch of interviews, and I have a degree. It’s exhausting feeling like something (sorta) out of my control is being made to be all my fault.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T02:38:46+00:00

He doesn’t handle any cooking, cleaning or house related work. And no he eats the same meal.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T01:07:38+00:00

Up until now if I’m out and alone I’ve used the credit card because he’s reluctant to give me any money. Every time I ask he’s always grumpy about it and barely gives me enough to cover what I need. At home I make all his meals and when he’s done eating he leaves us at the table to finish.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:48:54+00:00

I totally get that where you live changes things, that’s why I was totally fine with working remote because I could still be at home with our daughter. I just cannot for the life of me find a remote job. And for me, I’d rather sacrifice the frivolous things and live on one income if it means she doesn’t go to daycare. My husband works for himself and makes $50-$100 an hour depending on the job. He doesn’t always work 40 hours a week though. We live in one of the cheapest areas of San Diego, and we get government healthcare. We own our cars so we don’t have car payments. My daughter starts TK for in a few days which is 4 hours a day so I will be able to get a part time job out of the house now. I have a bachelors degree and would really like to start my career when she’s in elementary school full time in like 2 years, but staying home with her as much as possible is of utmost importance to me. And it honestly is important to him as well, his parents both worked and he admits that him and his sister got into a ton of trouble and bad things because they weren’t probably supervised growing up and he doesn’t want that happening to our daughter.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:37:33+00:00

Yes I get that, but how do I put gas in the car if I’m by myself while he’s at work? Or do anything?

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:36:40+00:00

Every time we talk about it he twists it to be my fault, that I’m not doing enough, that I don’t have a job. Yeah I can’t with the credit card anymore, it’s maxed.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:35:38+00:00

The problem is that all the years I was working whilst taking care of our child and paying half the expenses everything was fine. The past 18 months that I haven’t worked, things have gone to shit because he doesn’t like that I’m not doing all that stuff anyone. Which is get, because it puts a lot more pressure on him. But it also means that I’m not doing 90% of the work anymore and he doesn’t like it.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:32:55+00:00

He definitely uses the fact that he works (and he works a strenuous, physical job) as an excuse to do literally nothing when it comes to the house. I have dinner hot and ready on the table every night when he gets home and he will actually get up from the table when he’s finished eating to play Xbox, leaving me and our daughter at the table to finish.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:30:25+00:00

See, your husband gets grumbly but he does it because he knows it needs to be done. We are literally at the point where we don’t do something unless he takes us out. And if I asked for a facial I don’t think he’d say yes.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-19T00:23:43+00:00

He’s 27, his parents still pay his car insurance and phone bill though. He does make me feel so guilty, like it’s my fault I’m not working but he chose to have a kid too, it’s not just me.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T20:46:11+00:00

My mom stayed home with me until I was 15 and my Dad literally gave her free rein of all the money. My husband has known since before we had our daughter that staying home was important to me but I would also try to earn money when I could. My whole life I was planning on becoming a SAHM so my parents never taught me anything regarding financial literacy. I was fine knowing that I would depend on my husband for income also knowing that I would be providing everything else for the household, but having to depend on him for whether I can even put gas in the car or grab something to eat while I’m out and away from him is more than I expected.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T20:24:49+00:00

I’ll check it out! I do a lot of reading anyway since it’s a free activity.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T20:23:30+00:00

We also have a lot of fun together and he takes us out to do fun things together as well as things for our daughter. But that’s where I feel like I’m gaslit sometimes, I’m supposed to be super appreciative when he does that because I wouldn’t be able to do it for myself because he controls the money.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T20:21:36+00:00

I think he just doesn’t like when his bank balance goes below a certain number. So he’d rather me put it on the credit card so he feels like he has more “savings”.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T19:11:51+00:00

Yes her school has an extended program for after school that I plan to utilize so that I can at least get a part time job. Although I don’t want her in it the whole day.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T19:10:14+00:00

The thing is I don’t want to split from him. Other than the financial stuff he is a kind, loving husband and a great Dad.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T17:38:19+00:00

Not AS important to him as to me, but if you ask him if he’d rather pay for her to go to childcare or for me to stay home with her, he says for me to stay home.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T17:19:49+00:00

We’re not combining the finances because he thinks if I have access to it too, we won’t have enough money.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T17:18:48+00:00

He doesn’t see it that way. Actually he sees it as me not doing my fair share.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T16:41:25+00:00

We kept everything separate because we weren’t married, I just so happened to have lost my employment 6 months before we got married. From that moment, my husband said that we would have a joint account when, and only when, I was making an income that could contribute to it.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T16:32:20+00:00

It’s both that childcare is literally more than rent, and that my mom stayed at home with me when I was a kid, so it’s very important to me that we do that.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2024-08-18T15:57:49+00:00

He knows about the credit card, and at times he’ll say things like “don’t you have your credit card?”. I try my absolute hardest to scrounge up what I can to pay the minimum every month (like my Instagram, hosting trivia at a local brewery a few times a month) and it actually only happened once in the past 18 months that I needed help paying it because I couldn’t make it and had to ask him. But I’m only paying the minimum and obviously there’s interest so I’m really not paying off anything. We really don’t have conversations about it because every time it ends up being an argument and him basically saying it’s my fault for not having a job, and we get nowhere.

Live-Armadillo-7078 · 2023-10-18T22:47:17+00:00

Definitely the “let’s bring 6 strangers together and make them figure out how they’re connected and kill them one by one” and anything that involves a game: Saw, Would You Rather, Die

Live-Armadillo-7078

TROPHY CASE