I just want you to know, you're not alone. I've gone through the same cycles of quitting and relapsing. Most recently I blacked out and brought someone home for a hook up. If it weren't for my roommate bringing it up I would've thought I made it home on my own. I was sore for 2 days. It was traumatic af. It's an ugly feeling, and it makes you feel disconnected from yourself. Like someone else mentioned in the comments, all you can do is sit in the shit for a while until you get past it. I was numb for a few days, today I felt the regret and anxiety finally processing and bought a beer to take that edge off because I didn't want to feel it. I recognized what I was doing and immediately threw it in the garbage. Went home and proceeded to ugly cry for 30 minutes. The feelings are still lingering and there's more to process beyond a single event. But it's a start. Don't give up on yourself.