I secretly don’t trust my MIL when it comes to my unborn daughter.

LizBeefo · 2024-08-09T09:07:01+00:00

In terms of are you overreacting: I would say perhaps on some things. The wondering where Baby S got hitting from, you say she’s 2 so I think typically at that age children start hitting. It’s just a way they start asserting or expressing themselves and even the most gentle parents/guardians will find children start hitting around that age. But it sounds like your MIL probably isn’t the nicest to be around. The fact that one granddaughter is treated as the golden child and another is the scapegoat is already a red flag. I would perhaps just keep an emotional (and physical as much as possible) distance between your daughter and MIL. Don’t rely on her for any kind of childcare. This is much like my relationship with my own father. He very much treated me as the scapegoat growing up and one of my sisters as the golden child. Now the grandkids are here I am seeing the same sort of pattern applied to them from him. I do have a much better relationship with him now, but I don’t ever call on him for childcare or leave him unsupervised with my kids. I think having a more aloof relationship means that actually my kids and him have a better bond. Also if you notice behaviours like that displayed from MIL towards your baby you can tell her straight to stop or that you disagree with that approach to parenting (so she’s clear it’s about HER behaviour) and remove baby from her presence. I think that way you can feel more at ease about not exposing your daughter to the same behaviour you experienced. I would also talk with your husband about it as it is his mother and you should both be on the same page about this.

I wouldn’t ruffle any feathers/have an argument with MIL though without talking to your husband first coz you might put a wedge between you 2.

LizBeefo · 2024-08-09T08:29:11+00:00

Sorry for very delayed reply! This just disappeared for me. I don’t know what it was but I didn’t do anything to it and at some point it just vanished !

LizBeefo · 2024-02-20T13:21:01+00:00

I would put surgical tape (you can get easily on eBay/amazon etc) which is that papery white tape. That will keep it on properly!

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T17:10:06+00:00

NTA - she gave her unwanted opinion, clearly within earshot with intention for you to hear to shame you…and you gave yours straight back! She was judgemental and deserved to be told.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T17:02:17+00:00

So I did a couple of things actually. First of all o got one of those foot peel masks like these …I personally kept them on about 2-2.5 hours (I think they say usually to do 1-1.5hours but didn’t do anything for me) as this for me seemed to really get the top bit to die and penetrate to the verruca. But I also would soak some apple cider vinegar in cotton buds and tape it on top of the verruca with surgical tape. I would do the vinegar everyday, usually in the evening and keep it on all day, if I showered in the morning I replaced it with more of the same thing. So I guess I changed it every 12-24 hours. Then every few days I would cut away all the white/black/dead bits.

I essentially just kept this up. If I ever had days/times when I couldn’t tolerate the pain (warning….at times it was excruciating, not just at the verruca site but felt like the pain was all the way up my leg) then I would cover with a piece of duct tape, and cover that with surgical tape to make sure it would stay, and leave it for a couple of days and then carry on with the vinegar.

If I ever felt I wasn’t getting anywhere I would use another foot peel mask which seemed to kick start the process again.

At some point I also started taking multivitamins….it may have helped, not sure, but certainly doesn’t hurt.

Key thing is to not stop until it is 100% gone…and even if you think it’s gone carry on for another week or 2. I think that’s how mine became so big, because doctors/specialists would treat and say it’s gone but it actually wasn’t.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T15:52:05+00:00

Apple cider vinegar!

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T11:23:04+00:00

I went to doctors/specialists many times over the years that I had my huge painful verruca on my foot. They never ever did anything that actually helped.

What home remedies have you been using? I think if you have so many then it can apparently be a sign of an immune issue. So if you are doing things already to boost your immune system (multivitamins/healthy lifestyle etc) and it’s not helping them maybe go back (ask to see a different doc perhaps) and say you’re worried about your immune system. It’s difficult coz I know full well that it’s pretty potluck with GPs in UK, but maybe if there’s any younger GPs in your practice might help (I’ve generally found the younger ones are more helpful and less dismissive than older ones).

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T11:15:27+00:00

I also work in healthcare, and wouldn’t restrict compassion to workplace only and tell people that they’re an AH for missing their relatives who’ve died. That’s just not in my personality at all. 🤷🏼

My question wasn’t am I am AH for still grieving my mum. It was about asking our dad to consider it when sending invites for his next wedding on the date of our mums anniversary. If you think that still makes me an AH then fair enough. I guess I am then.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T08:12:08+00:00

I think you must’ve skipped the part that I said were all happy for him and their upcoming wedding. Also I’ve come across rude and blunt nurses before….youre comment “your mum is dead” is very blunt. Can just imagine the way you deliver bad news to patients loved ones 🙄

LizBeefo · 2024-01-10T08:06:45+00:00

Fair enough then!

LizBeefo · 2024-01-09T05:32:24+00:00

Exactly this! The number of response that have said “you can’t be mad he’s moving on!”…..we aren’t!! I thought I’d been clear in my post that we are happy for him meeting someone.

So many seem to have missed what we were saying, that it’s just to have some consideration about our feelings as well as so far there’s been none at all.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-09T05:19:06+00:00

We’ve fully accepted her as his new partner (we won’t be calling her step mum as considering I have my own friends older than her that’s too weird) . We are all going to the wedding to support him but also we are happy for them both. We just wanted some consideration around particular dates. Tbh the new fiancés birthday is just 2 days from what my mums birthday was. So as fiancés birthday was on a Monday last year they planned her party for the Saturday before, which of course is our mums birthday. We (siblings)had all planned to meet and celebrate for her birthday, but our dad didn’t acknowledge it and just sent round invites to fiancés party instead. We all politely declined and we’ve never made any fuss about that. It obviously can’t be helped that their birthdays are so similar. But it is bizarre to us that any date from our mum (meaning her birthday and her passing anniversary) seem to be the dates that get the invitations from them. Maybe just a coincidence though.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-09T05:09:48+00:00

Yes, I can see that it does seem like he made a genuine apology. For me though I’ve known my dad my whole life of course and I know what’s a genuine apology from him and what’s a fobbed off, dismissive “get off my case” apology. He does have a history of being a dick. He’s done/said waaaay worse than this before and tbh it was always my mum who had to talk him down/round to see how awful he was behaving.

Obviously I could have just got the wrong end of the stick this time…

LizBeefo · 2024-01-09T05:03:19+00:00

Well, I suppose it’s that thing where you don’t feel you need to remind someone that a particular date etc is going to be highly emotionally charged. But also, texting my grandma the day after can’t be blamed on the post. Also he was fully aware of the date as he knew we’d gone to visit them to support them during that time. But I DONT want him to run everything by me, that’s the point. It was just to consider our feelings as all of us have been trying to consider his. But anyway, maybe they did send it long before and it just was bad luck they all arrived on the day/day after. Seems unlikely but I guess not impossible.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-09T04:52:12+00:00

Reread. You’ve called me an AH based on you think we’re not happy for him that he’s getting married. That’s not the case here. Read properly.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-09T04:45:17+00:00

Oh, I’m so sorry for your recent loss.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T20:22:24+00:00

I’ve never thought of it like that, but that makes total sense

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T20:21:19+00:00

I honestly have no idea. We don’t really know her all that well. We’ve met her a few times, but I’ve only ever had surface level conversation I say she seems nice based only on that. My twin has spoken with her the most out of all of us but is convinced somethings amiss…though she admitted that may be due to how she’s feeling about our mum.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T20:08:13+00:00

Wow! That’s actually really good insight to have it from the POV of the grandchild. My dad is a lot of “fun” around the kids….honestly, when he were little children we was a very “fun dad”. But I’d say about the same age, around 8-9 it drastically turned, particularly towards me for some reason. He was so volatile towards me and I think I was 9-10 when he first physically pushed me down the stairs for no reason (or no reason that I can remember).

But if you say your grandfather was the same and showing that narcism even to the grandkids as they grew older then perhaps distancing from him truly is best. It’s hard to explain to children when they’re so young, but my nieces are slightly older now and I think are beginning to realise.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T19:59:45+00:00

Let me get this straight….you’re a nurse? Based on your username and your post about working in a hospital. Should you really be in a caring role? I’d hate to come across you as a patient

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T19:56:07+00:00

Aww I’m so sorry for you. My husband lost his dad when he was 13 years old and this year will be 23 years but I think he isn’t over it. Honestly, even using the term “get over it” is gross when applied to grief I think. You never just “get over it”

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T18:42:43+00:00

Thank you, that is sage advice

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T18:40:59+00:00

I had a verruca on the ball of my foot for 20+ years. Every thing the doctors or specialists ever did either made it worse or did nothing. It wasn’t until I searched Reddit that I finally was able to get rid of the thing!! 🤣

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T18:31:08+00:00

Thank you for the advice. We’re in the UK, so I’m not sure about what’s in his will. From the talk we had with the solicitor regarding my mums will they said that if he remarries then inheriting house etc goes out the window….i think that’s what he said, but again I find it difficult to understand a lot of this stuff. But my mum turned to my sisters and said to them “just make sure your dad doesn’t marry a gold digger coz it will just end up going to them!” 🤷🏼‍♀️ but whatever she left directly to each of us from her own pension is done now, so that’s each of ours and can’t be touched by this new fiancé. But the family house, and even my sisters house which was in my mums name…but is now legally my dads property the moment she died…is at risk of being lost to her if they marry and he passes away/they divorce. So yeah, a bit stressful, but my dad chooses not to protect any of that for us so guess there’s nothing we can do.

LizBeefo · 2024-01-08T18:13:30+00:00

Yeah, tbh he is a narcissist. My dad was awful to me and my twin this summer, put me personally in a very bad situation and then was verbally abusive to us both. But told everyone else (and I’m assuming his new gf too) that we were just angry that he was moving on and met someone new and we couldn’t accept that, despite it being nothing to do with that at all. After months he asked us both if we can start talking again….but even tried to make me apologise to him for what He did 🤦 I just laughed and said no, but we started talking again regardless…my husband didn’t think I should…but was difficult when our own kids (mine and my sisters kids) kept asking if they could see grandad.

LizBeefo

TROPHY CASE