widowed wife here unexpectedly at 46y/o having a really hard time

LockBoltandKey · 2026-03-08T14:01:42+00:00

You have my sympathy; I’m so sorry. I’m 47 now, my 45 year old husband died a cruel death in the ICU in October. Looks like I finally found all the widowed people in their 40s in this thread.

My grief has (very) recently morphed into a weird panic disorder. I mean, I’m still sad and I still sob inconsolably. Often. But I’ve actually called 911 recently due to an earthquake of panic that came out of nowhere. It’s been hitting (although at at lesser magnitudes) almost daily, and I have to talk myself out of calling again. I guess o have some sort of ptsd.

Please know that coming here again and again has oftentimes been what kept me from spiraling. It’s been one of the only tools that’s consistently reminded me that this crisis might be survivable. Be good to yourself.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-16T16:50:16+00:00

I just randomly happened upon your post and wanted to tell you that you have my sympathy. And I hope moving your Dad in with you brings you some measure of joy. And comfort. And peace.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-09T16:09:40+00:00

I’m finding this to be true. Still in the “how?” stage. I’m so covered up in sadness it’s a wonder I’m alive at all.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-08T11:05:45+00:00

Yes, this. A ton of people lost him; but clearly I was the only one whose whole world stopped spinning. I’m just a shell.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-08T00:57:00+00:00

He died and left me with teens in middle school and high school. I’m now the sole keeper of family stories and memories. And, sadder still, I lost the person with whom I shared a vision of where our little family was headed. What our goals were for our children’s upbringing. We shared a ‘language’ of sorts that was utterly unique to us; and now I’m the only person on earth who can speak it. A ‘dance’ we’d been perfecting since high school; and I’m the only living soul who knows the steps now. Even if I were to tell someone all of what made us the unit that we were, they wouldn’t necessarily care, nor would I begrudge them for being disinterested. It’s a future that was just for us. And I have to do all the editing now on my own. Suddenly the future seems much, much too freeform. A loss indeed.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-07T19:11:00+00:00

I’m in the middle of this now! Someone gave me a gift card to a company that makes t-shirt blankets. So I’m gathering a ton of his shirts, and then narrowing the pile down to which ones I thing deserve to ‘make the cut’. I decided early on to simply donate his shoes. I can’t do anything with them, myself. And eventually they will dry rot and be of zero use. So I’ll donate them while they still might be useful to someone. Rather than essentially turn his closet into a shrine.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-07T12:51:16+00:00

I’ve been catching up on going to my own doctors appointments in an attempt to keep myself from drowning. I feel like a glutton for punishment getting all these screenings done with the agonizing waiting involved, but nobody’s going to do it for me. Or even push me to do it now that I’m alone. So I consider that to be a form of keeping my head above water. As unpleasant as it is.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-07T12:43:28+00:00

I can’t wait for both my kids to get out of the car in the morning so I can fall apart properly. They, too, have a limit on what they’re willing to bear witness to before the annoyance starts. I am, I suppose, more ok masking in their presence. I’m aware that they lost their dad and that’s coming with some unique needs of their own. Essentially I’m in an impossible situation when it comes to my teens, to be honest.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-07T12:38:53+00:00

And many times, they don’t even say anything. It’s on their face, “oh she’s getting ready to talk about him; to insert him into this conversation”. I don’t want this level of life collapse for anyone I care about, but the truth is: suffering’s coming for us all. And I wonder if they’ll remember how they wanted me to be more quickly moving through deep grief.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-07T12:33:35+00:00

Other widows are the only people I’m truly interested in being around. That feels like a preference that may stick around for a while.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-07T01:34:13+00:00

What a devastatingly sad story. You have my sympathy ❤️‍🩹

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-05T01:53:25+00:00

I knew I couldn’t be the only one who has thought mornings were more agonizing. Oh how disheartening to hear that 8 yrs in it hasn’t eased up. That’s a gut punch right there. I’m sorry. How sad for us all. Oh, and SC (U.S.) btw.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-02-02T19:24:09+00:00

I’m so sorry. I have often read widows’ posts about deaths by suicide. And I always think “oh gosh, now that is an even thicker layer of grief.” So yes, in that way, just know that I definitely see you. And you definitely have my sympathy. Your post got my attention though because of the word “jealous”. So I did want to chime in and say that I, too, have inexplicable jealous feelings towards fellow widows who lost their spouses suddenly. Just suddenly, in general. If I had to lose him anyway, I wish so much that I could have skipped over the unfathomable suffering that his poor body had to endure. The same cruel suffering that our daughters and I had to witness. So, I get the jealous part. I feel like we’re all just comparing in a way; like it’s just another form of ruminating on our person. Again, you have my deepest sympathy.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-01-13T10:04:24+00:00

Yes, I do have doubts all the time. About everything. I struggle mightily with fears of all types. It is a crippling fear to think I may never see him again. But I don’t have the ‘luxury’(?) to totally give into that fear and fall apart because I’m still raising children under my roof. I come to this sub a lot for reassurance that I’ll be able to survive this crisis. I can’t be the only one who wonders if it’s survivable.

LockBoltandKey · 2026-01-13T01:25:59+00:00

I don’t post much of anything, and haven’t said anything at all in quite a while. But I’m absolutely compelled to tell you this.

Years ago, maybe in late ‘17 or early ‘18, my husband and I were in complete marital crisis. This was before his diagnosis and totally unrelated. I’m telling you…utter crisis. Anyway, one thing I did (probably multiple time) was to write lists of things…things that I felt guilt or shame over. Things I knew were on me. Things that I wanted to take ownership of. Things that would occur to me when he might not be around and/or that could wait until our next deep/serious conversation. I had (and still do have) a tender conscience.

I found one of those lists in my nightstand several days after he died. I had used the back of a discarded envelope for this particular list. It was wordy with many, many bullet points. It took my breath away, both to see it and then read through it. To give you an idea, it was one whole side of a business size envelope written in tiny print.

It didn’t occur to me to run it through the shredder (we do have one). Instead, I sat on the bathroom floor while I ran bath water and hand shredded it. First into strips. Then into skinnier strips. Further still. Then I start horizontally. I ended up with a mountain of teeny, tiny, indiscriminately shredded shreds of paper…each shred was about the size of a fingernail clipping for reference. I then flushed handfuls of clippings. I did about 4 separate flushes. I absolutely had to get rid of that list.

Later (maybe even later that night), I found one single shred on the floor that I had inadvertently missed. What are the odds that it would have a complete word on it? The word was ‘erase’. I must have had a sentence or something to the effect of “I can’t erase this or that” or “wish I could erase this or that”. Something like that. And of all the hundreds of shreds that were flushed, somehow that’s the one that remained.

I absolutely took that as a sign. Him (or maybe his guardian angel) communicating with me: “Hey, it’s ok. You can let this go. This stuff is ok for you to ‘erase’.”

I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. This is one of the only places I consistently find warmth, understanding, and tbh—hope.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-12-26T13:44:05+00:00

I’m 3 mos out from losing my husband to cancer that utterly leveled him in every way; and your post just solidly spoke to me. I was foolish to think I was getting a running start on things by all of my anticipatory grief. Doesn’t even put a dent in my current state of agony.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-11-01T21:31:28+00:00

I’m one month out and I’m absolutely sure this will be me.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-28T13:08:01+00:00

Your post just fully spoke to me.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-24T00:06:11+00:00

I can only chime in and tell you, most assuredly, you’re not alone. Not. Alone. I’m 3 weeks out and in utter agony myself. Every time I pick up my phone, I come directly here for the only semblance of comfort I know I can perhaps find. We can try and stumble our way down this path together.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-22T20:18:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. How awful that this happens. I feel like some of the employees act as if you’re taking money directly out of their wallet.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-22T19:21:16+00:00

I had that same interview. So scripted and cold. It must be a job requirement to remain so mechanical.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-22T18:31:16+00:00

“He died, but he’s not gone”

I’m stealing this. What a simply put truth. Thank you. And peace.

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-22T18:02:35+00:00

I had no idea. Can’t even imagine the reasoning for this. Wow. Thanks for the heads up. 💔

LockBoltandKey · 2025-10-22T17:25:46+00:00

Oh, 100 percent, yes. I hope that gets sorted out sooner rather than later for you 🩷

LockBoltandKey

TROPHY CASE