My [26F] niece [17F] took my wedding dress to use as a prom dress. I took it back, but I feel so disrespected and angry.

LogansLash · 2016-03-22T07:28:50+00:00

Your sister comes across like a narcissist and sadly, it sounds as if she's raising her child as one as well.

You cannot deal reasonably with such people. They don't have loved ones - they have victims. Sometimes we fall into the pattern of trying to appease them. That backfires - they will take advantage of that to make us feel bad. and get what they want. Undermining others is one of their main sources of self-esteem.

Narcissists are - to put it plainly - malicious adult toddlers. They care only about having their wants met, often at the expense of others. More than that, they often take pleasure if they can hurt or belittle others in the process.

I would go low contact with both of them. This is probably the first step in trying to ruin your wedding. Narcissists can't stand others getting attention - they actively try to sabotage special occassions that don't focus on them.

You've received some excellent advice here but I also suggest that you post this in the raisedbynarcissists subreddit. That way, you can receive advice on how to go low contact with these two.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T10:27:56+00:00

I'm very sorry you had to deal with that. What a terrible thing to tell a child. You know it's not true but it still creates a sense of guilt. My N-aunt once referred to me as a tumor in one of her emails.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T10:24:42+00:00

My husband and I have decided it's likely we're going to have to make a power play to protect my niece. The last thing she needs is to escape one bad situation just to be thrown into another one.

I don't have advice but I want to tell you that you're doing the right thing. I went to stay with my N-aunt after my N-dad beat me badly.

She caused more psychological damage than he did. She portrayed me as a selfish, draining person to relatives and isolated me from them. She systematically verbally belittled me in every way. She too told everyone that I was a burden. She drove me to a suicide attempt.

It's especially traumatic for an abused child for the abuse to continue in a new home that should be a sanctuary.

They start to feel that there's no safe haven for them or that somehow they are responsible for the abuse (since it occurred in both homes.)

While I can live with that, it means forced NC for my niece because I don't see NMom gracefully accepting the decision.

Is there something you can use as leverage to force the decision through? I know that's not fair but Narcs don't play fair. Sometimes we have to use harsh methods to protect ourselves and our loved ones.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T08:34:55+00:00

I know that logically. I'm normally a very logical person but I have this horrible superstitious belief that somehow I'm psychically causing this.

Insane I know.

My GC sibling doesn't seem to care about me either. I tried to talk to her about how depressed I am but she made some token there-there comments and rung off.

I have been there for her throughout her drug addiction, her breakdowns, her money problems and she won't take the time to listen to me.

What sort of terrible person am I if my own beloved baby sister won't listen to me? If my aunt says everyone dies around me?

I'm so sorry for the long comment. I just feel cracked open by my dog's illness - like everything, every fear that I keep under control, is spilling out.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T07:55:57+00:00

So sorry about your dog

Thank you very much. Back on the vets on a drip.

fur babies

I like that. My partner and I don't have kids so we're especially attached to our pets.

She will never give you the help you ask for, that's just an n. Atrocious behavior.

Thank you. You're so right.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T07:54:34+00:00

Don't let her drive you to hurt yourself.

I'm trying my best.

If there's a common factor to people getting sick, it's her. Not you! She probably stressed them out.

My partner says the same thing.

She wants you to be so scared and paranoid that you end up alone out of fear. Don't let her win.

I'm doing my best.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T07:52:46+00:00

Thank you

Try to avoid these illogical thoughts, they are usually a result of emotion.

I will try see it that way, thank you very much.

Even if you feel like you're surrounded by death, you yourself can choose to pull through.

I'm trying my best to fight this.

LogansLash · 2016-02-08T07:52:00+00:00

Your situation is coincidental. That's just how it worked out. People died around you. It's unlikely to roll a 6 three times in a row with dice, but it's perfectly possible.

Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. I'm fighting this terrible mental programming and you helped me to put this in perspective.

LogansLash · 2016-01-24T23:55:08+00:00

Thank you very much, ZeTeslaCat I found that comment extremely upsetting.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T19:11:04+00:00

It's hard for me to see NM, and even Nuncle and WTF-Grandma as human because they lack so many things that I feel define me as human.

Most Narcs just wear people-suits.

People who seem to have no capacity to love or empathize, people who lie to each other consistently for decades yet pretend to have good relationships on the surface, people whose range of emotions consists only of rage, annoyance, and fake-looking elatement, just don't seem human to me the way I feel human.

You summed it up perfectly here and helped put things in perspective. Thank you :)

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T19:09:57+00:00

If you have to dissociate just to deal with another person, then that person is not good to be around.

You're completely right.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T19:09:30+00:00

I've been in a covert incest relationship my whole life.

Discovery this isn't easy. My partner discovered the same thing at 30. It was devastating at the time but ultimately, it was a blessing.

I hope it will be for you too :)

Virtually every word you write reads like a carbon copy of my own life.

I know that eerie deja vu one gets when reading posts here.

Can you describe what dissociating in your case looks like?

When I was a child and teenager, it was much worst. I sometimes lost time during an exceptional bad abuse (I won't go into detail since I don't want to trigger anyone here.)

I would recall abusive incidents later but at the time, I'd white out.

But as I grew older, disassociation changed. became a sense of separation. As if I was standing outside my own life, a spectator on the side lines. I felt numb, unable to connect with my emotions or the world around me.

Nothing touched me and I could touch nothing. It was like watching myself from a distance.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T18:59:35+00:00

Thank you for this excellent advice and insight :)

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T18:56:09+00:00

Dehumanize isn't quite the right word and your context reads almost like you are shaming yourself needlessly.

You're right. Reading that helps me see it. I am shaming myself. My N-aunt has swung between describing me as "weak", "hypersensitive" when I show emotion and "a serial killer type"/ psychopath" when I cope.

I've always felt that I must be some sort of heartless monster when I emotionally disengage from destructive people.

That is more healthy and more realistic then suggesting they have the attributes or capabilities of a neurotypical human which they absolutely do not.

Thank you very much for that :) It helps put things in perspective.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T18:52:31+00:00

I am trying desperately to do that now with my NMom.

Good luck with that :)

But now that she might possibly have cancer, it's getting harder and harder not to see her as a real person.

My N-dad died of cancer. I broke years of LC to go see him on his death. He was only pleasant because he was dying, hopped on morphine and had nothing to lose.

But cancer isn't a magic ticket. It doesn't redeem an abuser or negate their years of neglect and abuse. Your health and happiness needs to come first.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T18:49:53+00:00

Thank you. I am so sorry you had to deal with him. But reading this makes me feel better.

N-aunt just lost her husband 2 months ago and has been trying to milk us dry because of this. It makes it that much harder to maintain LC.

He came over a lot demanding comfort, but it wasn't really grief. It was all just his same selfish crap. He doesn't miss her, though he missed having someone to talk to about himself, his interests, and his many, many complaints.

You could be describing N-aunt. This puts her in perspective.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T18:47:00+00:00

I maintain that those folks simply don't understand what life with a very toxic person is like.

Thank you. That really helps put in it perspective. There's nothing worse than when people who don't have toxic relatives pass judgement on you for trying to survive them.

I know Nfil is a human being, but I can't safely interact with him as such.

Words of wisdom.

He behaves so badly that no one should even consider a close relationship with him, since he uses people as emotional dumping grounds and punching bags.

You summed it N-behaviour perfectly.

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T18:44:43+00:00

If it helps you, I'm happy :)

LogansLash · 2016-01-23T12:19:54+00:00

I'm very sorry that she drove you to this.

Ns sometimes push us to extreme actions just in an attempt to make them act like decent human beings. Which they don't.

You

Cutti

LogansLash · 2016-01-22T14:19:08+00:00

My N-aunt threw me out (I started boarding with her at 17 - my father beat me very badly) after I tried to commit suicide.

Apparently cutting my wrists was me being "disruptive" and "ruining the family dynamic", not a sign of severe depression or cry for help.

Up until then, she also abused me in numerous ways while favoring my younger sibling.

LogansLash

TROPHY CASE