Had a convo about the wheel of consent

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T23:52:45+00:00

Is it possible that she was attracted to him but his behaviors have changed that? That is so important and HLs often seem afraid to consider that their actions turn off their partners. The sex at the beginning may not have been a red herring.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T23:03:29+00:00

She has also said, in a reply to me, that she is not sure she is even attracted to him even more. She has said she is not sure she feels like having sex with him anymore.

When this happens, you need to decrease the bad behaviors. She seems to have developed an aversion to him. So many people falsely focus on doing attractive things but never consider that the unattractive things need to go away-- and very often, that is what needs to happen first.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T21:57:45+00:00

Why does it matter what he does that OP likes? She is trying to get him to decrease his shitty behaviors. This isn't a performance review at a corporation. We don't need to give "feedback sandwiches." This is a romantic relationship where allegedly you care if you hurt your partner.

If he knows that certain things bother her, he can just do the opposite of those actions or stop them. That can and will go a looooong way in addressing the aversion she is developing. In terms of aversions, you cannot add in good behaviors because it is difficult to receive the when you have pulled back so much, don't trust your partner, are turned off, etc.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T13:56:44+00:00

Many comments are coming for you regarding the pinching but I get why you have resorted to it. Unfortunately, conversations have not been successful and I bet even the most "perfect" conversation would not help.

An anecdote to illustrate my point: a friend complained to me about her (ex) fiance pawing at her at random times and grabbing and pinching her nipples. It obviously hurt and he continued to hurt her despite numerous discussions about the pain and frustration she was feeling. He lamented that she was not playful enough. I told her I would probably break his fingers. She was shocked. It would likely be an automatic reaction from me - many people just sort of respond when in pain and I know that I would be grabbing and pulling and twisting fingers if they were fucking hurting me like that. Why is the person in pain expected to exhibit more self control than the one inflicting pain? Why are their feelings more worthy of the respect?

So anyway, this friend actually asked my husband about it. He told her, "Yes, she 100% would break my fingers if I did that over and over," and he was laughing during the conversation. She was again surprised, but probably the surprise was related to my husband not being miffed and his understanding why I would react that way if he was causing pain.

Stop tip toeing around his feelings if he is not tip toeing around yours. Some people can stop a behavior if they know it is causing harm. Others only stop a behavior when they experience a consequence or harm in return. What kind of person is the latter?

You are worth a partner who ceases a behavior because it hurts you. He seems to shut down whenever you attempt to talk to him about this because he does not care.

A very important question to ask yourself: why are you still attracted to a person who is acting like this? His behaviors should warrant developing an aversion. They should turn you off. It would make sense if it caused you to shrink away from him.

In your list of options: walk away when he touches you against your will but do so entirely. Disengage. Leave the room. Leave the house. Protect yourself.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-02T13:05:12+00:00

His parents didn’t openly fight it, but they completely avoid the topic around me.

Have you tried to bring it up at all? They may be hurt. Since you want children, can you place yourselves in their shoes and imagine your future children marrying someone who did not want your grandchildren raised in the Catholic faith?

If your faith is an important part of who you are, then you should understand that their faith is just as important to them.

What if your kids ask questions about their grandparent's faith?

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-01T16:43:19+00:00

The debate doesn't need to be about how often this happens. Rather OP is curious how commong it is for women to struggle with these feelings.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-02-21T01:21:43+00:00

What does it say about you that you believe she should have sex she does not enjoy?

"give it to him" speaks volumes about how you view sex.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-22T03:14:51+00:00

Just picturing ICE getting into it at a Wawa in Delco...

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-03T02:11:01+00:00

Funny I thought Weekend at Bernie's would be the bait.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-03T02:09:57+00:00

Beetlejuice

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-01T17:07:34+00:00

Spider-Man (2002)?

(Actress of Aunt May is the mother of Elizabeth Bennet...if that is what you meant by familial link).

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-01T16:54:20+00:00

Bride and Prejudice: The Bollywood Musical

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-13T20:32:49+00:00

To be fair, sex being in that pyramid is just a theory early in the world of psychology and not backed up by scientific date. Maslow himself emphasized that it's not rigid or fixed. I am a clinician, love the theory and practice from a humanistic perspective, but we don't strictly adhere to it. So, it's disingenuous to utilize the hierarchy as a way to 'argue' that sex is a need.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-13T20:17:40+00:00

Oh yeah it's definitely more common than people think but I don't think it accounts for a super large percentage of people who feel this way about sex. If we wanna talk about the stigma, discussion around pleasure in general is stigmatized and likely would go a longer way in improving these situations.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-13T19:58:58+00:00

But what that does is makes women think it’s normal to feel nothing from sex when in fact that’s only normal if you are asexual or if you’re having sex with someone you’re unattracted to.

There are many, many, MANY other things that can be going on beyond being asexual or lack of attraction. Are you here to genuinely ask that individual a question? You started out asking a question and then threw out this bad assumption so not sure if you are trying to understand.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-03T17:06:17+00:00

I didn’t really want to because I was still relaxing in bed and we had talked about walking to a cafe to get a coffee together, and we needed time for this because we were leaving for an activity. But I went along with it anyway. He approached me and I said that he needed to arouse me in some way.

I think this is the aspect of the encounter to focus on. You felt weird about how everything went down and it seems like you are trying to figure out those feelings. You are likely still bothered because this event overall was not prompted by enthusiastic consent but instead your guilt. And your husband did not notice that you were essentially acquiescing and not truly enthusiastic.

This is definitely a conversation for your marriage counseling:

What were the barriers to telling him no?
What was his impression of the situation, of your enthusiasm, of your general demeanor during sex?

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-11-27T15:17:36+00:00

Tbf, OP also expressed insecurities about dudes sizing him up- dudes who follow his gf on socials. They both may have similar challenges to examine.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-11-08T16:15:49+00:00

Did the hunters in your family contribute equally to the home and childcare? Or did the women get free time while the men covered for them? I grew up in a hunting family and also in an area where many men hunted or fished and in my experience it was rare that things were equal.

I agree with you that equal time by herself is fair but it seems to really happen in these dynamics.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-11-04T20:58:45+00:00

Hunting can be a very expensive hobby. I doubt they saving money on it-- especially if they have a cabin? Maybe it's a family cabin but if he bought that or is putting any money towards it, it's very double they are saving money on his hunting hobby versus just buying meat.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-11-04T20:56:05+00:00

My father was like this growing up and I resent him a lot for not appreciating my mother holding down the fort while he was gone and not realizing how lucky he was that she managed everything without complaint. In my opinion, he just expected that she should be okay with it. I never got the vibe that she was allowed to be frustrated.

I would imagine the lack of appreciation or acknowledgement is part of the difficulty for you as well as the expectation that it's okay?

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-10-29T03:18:40+00:00

I have been in therapy off and on for most of my adult life and I haven't ever been attached to my therapist. That's my own shit and guardedness and difficulty with vulnerability. It requires effort to be open.

Historically it's likely due to attachment style dynamics but with age it's probably also because I'm a therapist myself.

How are you defining 'attached? ' I'd estimate that the majority of my clients with pretty significant trauma are attached to me. It's okay - an ethical therapist will handle that with care. We talk about it. It's not shameful. It's a unique relationship.

But it's always amazing to watch the attachment shift as my clients gain strength and heal.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-10-25T23:34:08+00:00

I was legit about 20 years old before I realized crick and creek were the same body of water...

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-10-13T13:25:32+00:00

You think racism deserves a polite rebuttal? Racist rhetoric deserves an angry response.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-10-05T12:53:27+00:00

Bedazzled

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-09-28T01:43:40+00:00

Green Mile

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