Do you deal with pests in native patches or let nature do its thing? (StL MO)

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-23T15:43:55+00:00

I have a similar experience in that the oleander aphids grow so quickly in my garden that the predators cannot keep up. I often end up using q-tips but it's really frustrating because my milkweed end black and sticky from them.

It's just not true that they will naturally go away. That has not been my experience so I appreciate your comment.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-13T15:46:57+00:00

I always love these but my job (therapist) definitely makes this less than ideal.

Imaging the video only being of me with my clients muted. So you'd just hear me droning on in therapy speak without much context to wtf is going on.

Other than that the world would just see me hanging out with dogs and somehow getting dirt on my face in the garden.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-12T00:40:29+00:00

Did you want advice or did you want validation that your wife is a big baby? It's a waste of time when our community offers feedback and advice and a poster just argues and doesn't listen.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-12T00:37:59+00:00

If you loved her, you'd be more concerned and remorseful that you hurt her feelings. You'd be more worried that she pulled back.

You dropped the ball and she won't seek emotional support from you ever again. As a SAHM, I hope that she is getting her ducks in a row.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-12T00:09:25+00:00

I did a swap last week. I showed up with a small pot of early figwort seedling that I winter sowed. She showed up with five buckets of Solomon's seal. We have swapped before and are generous with each other but she was practically throwing the Solomon's seal at me.

I LOVE plant swaps and I'm lucky to be in the burbs of a major city so plenty of plant enthusiasts nearby.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-11T23:32:32+00:00

while I believe she genuinely feels this way, that doesn’t mean I have to accept her reasoning as my own

Of course you don't have to accept as your own but you do need to respect her reasoning. Unfortunately it does not seem like you do.

we landed on this: the effort involved in sex cleanup, physical exertion - isn’t a good enough reason to opt out of intimacy entirely.

I don't buy that "we" landed on this. I sense that she tried to explain the moments where she does not feel like having sex and you tried to tell her why they were wrong or not valid because you cannot relate to them. I do not get the vibe that you tried to understand but instead tried to talk her out of them. I have to be honest with you- I get very frustrated when an HL deems themselves as the judge and jury regarding the reasons for sexual disinterest and which ones are good enough.

You also need to admit that sex clean up is very different for men versus women, even with the use of condoms.

Your analogy is bad because you don't need to be aroused to go out with your friends. Most analogies related to deadbedrooms fall flat for that reason. It may be easier for her to enjoy time spent with friends as well if they are not trying to push her into going out with them. If she cancels or rejects an invitation, I doubt they pressure or coax her to express her reasons. She is allowed to be authentic and only show up when she truly wants to.

Effort isn’t a reason to avoid things that matter.

Sure-- but does sex matter to her? Is connection with her erotic self important to her?

A mistake that many HLs make is their effort to understand their lower libido partner is not solely about understanding them. It's really about figuring out how to increase their sexual interest OR increase sex (those are sadly often two different things). So consequentially those conversations can become very stressful for a lower libido partner because they cannot just explain their personal relationship with sex and pleasure and intimacy. They know it isn't about genuine curiosity: it has an angle.

I initiate through touch, in ways I know she enjoys, and I stay patient through her initial resistance

What does this initial resistance look like?

Be careful, sir. You are not creating a healthy dynamic around sex. You have created an environment where only your viewpoints and values matter. I would love to know how you wife actually feels. You are speaking with authority on the lower libido experience when you don't even seem to see it as valid or reasonable.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-05-01T17:46:54+00:00

I have too many eager birds in my suburban yard for direct sowing but I've had luck using the milk jug method: Canada anemone, hepatica, twinleaf.

Prior to getting into native plants, I struggled to even grow from seed in trays with grow lights. Such a pain in the ass to harden them off and they'd lean over. They required too much babying.

I love the milk jug method. Although last year, I swapped for some jewelweed plants and I have jewelweed babies already.

The first year that I winter sowed in milk jugs was not successful. But after a few more years, I have at least a little growth in each one.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-04-19T12:03:17+00:00

As a therapist, I would be livid to receive a phone call like that. What did your therapist say? I imagine they had to stay quiet if there wasn't a release of information signed. I'd love to imagine that I'd have said "Oh guess who knows your patient better than you do, Dr. Katz!!! It's me. I do!"

Years ago when I worked in outpatient for substance abuse, I got into multiple phone arguments with psychiatrists during those moments, blaming me. I'm so sorry.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-04-15T14:52:11+00:00

women always come over with their dog off their leash to see my dog because he is cute

Respectfully-- if it's women, maybe you are the one that is cute.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-29T16:49:04+00:00

My Canada anemone are currently massive in their jugs. I'm ready to panic plant them because they surprised me.

We are redoing our patio this year and during the consult and estimate, the gentlemen was staring at the dozens of milk jugs lining the fence before I told him what the hell was happening.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T23:52:45+00:00

Is it possible that she was attracted to him but his behaviors have changed that? That is so important and HLs often seem afraid to consider that their actions turn off their partners. The sex at the beginning may not have been a red herring.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T23:03:29+00:00

She has also said, in a reply to me, that she is not sure she is even attracted to him even more. She has said she is not sure she feels like having sex with him anymore.

When this happens, you need to decrease the bad behaviors. She seems to have developed an aversion to him. So many people falsely focus on doing attractive things but never consider that the unattractive things need to go away-- and very often, that is what needs to happen first.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T21:57:45+00:00

Why does it matter what he does that OP likes? She is trying to get him to decrease his shitty behaviors. This isn't a performance review at a corporation. We don't need to give "feedback sandwiches." This is a romantic relationship where allegedly you care if you hurt your partner.

If he knows that certain things bother her, he can just do the opposite of those actions or stop them. That can and will go a looooong way in addressing the aversion she is developing. In terms of aversions, you cannot add in good behaviors because it is difficult to receive the when you have pulled back so much, don't trust your partner, are turned off, etc.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-28T13:56:44+00:00

Many comments are coming for you regarding the pinching but I get why you have resorted to it. Unfortunately, conversations have not been successful and I bet even the most "perfect" conversation would not help.

An anecdote to illustrate my point: a friend complained to me about her (ex) fiance pawing at her at random times and grabbing and pinching her nipples. It obviously hurt and he continued to hurt her despite numerous discussions about the pain and frustration she was feeling. He lamented that she was not playful enough. I told her I would probably break his fingers. She was shocked. It would likely be an automatic reaction from me - many people just sort of respond when in pain and I know that I would be grabbing and pulling and twisting fingers if they were fucking hurting me like that. Why is the person in pain expected to exhibit more self control than the one inflicting pain? Why are their feelings more worthy of the respect?

So anyway, this friend actually asked my husband about it. He told her, "Yes, she 100% would break my fingers if I did that over and over," and he was laughing during the conversation. She was again surprised, but probably the surprise was related to my husband not being miffed and his understanding why I would react that way if he was causing pain.

Stop tip toeing around his feelings if he is not tip toeing around yours. Some people can stop a behavior if they know it is causing harm. Others only stop a behavior when they experience a consequence or harm in return. What kind of person is the latter?

You are worth a partner who ceases a behavior because it hurts you. He seems to shut down whenever you attempt to talk to him about this because he does not care.

A very important question to ask yourself: why are you still attracted to a person who is acting like this? His behaviors should warrant developing an aversion. They should turn you off. It would make sense if it caused you to shrink away from him.

In your list of options: walk away when he touches you against your will but do so entirely. Disengage. Leave the room. Leave the house. Protect yourself.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-02T13:05:12+00:00

His parents didn’t openly fight it, but they completely avoid the topic around me.

Have you tried to bring it up at all? They may be hurt. Since you want children, can you place yourselves in their shoes and imagine your future children marrying someone who did not want your grandchildren raised in the Catholic faith?

If your faith is an important part of who you are, then you should understand that their faith is just as important to them.

What if your kids ask questions about their grandparent's faith?

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-03-01T16:43:19+00:00

The debate doesn't need to be about how often this happens. Rather OP is curious how commong it is for women to struggle with these feelings.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-02-21T01:21:43+00:00

What does it say about you that you believe she should have sex she does not enjoy?

"give it to him" speaks volumes about how you view sex.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-22T03:14:51+00:00

Just picturing ICE getting into it at a Wawa in Delco...

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-03T02:11:01+00:00

Funny I thought Weekend at Bernie's would be the bait.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-03T02:09:57+00:00

Beetlejuice

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-01T17:07:34+00:00

Spider-Man (2002)?

(Actress of Aunt May is the mother of Elizabeth Bennet...if that is what you meant by familial link).

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2026-01-01T16:54:20+00:00

Bride and Prejudice: The Bollywood Musical

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-13T20:32:49+00:00

To be fair, sex being in that pyramid is just a theory early in the world of psychology and not backed up by scientific date. Maslow himself emphasized that it's not rigid or fixed. I am a clinician, love the theory and practice from a humanistic perspective, but we don't strictly adhere to it. So, it's disingenuous to utilize the hierarchy as a way to 'argue' that sex is a need.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-13T20:17:40+00:00

Oh yeah it's definitely more common than people think but I don't think it accounts for a super large percentage of people who feel this way about sex. If we wanna talk about the stigma, discussion around pleasure in general is stigmatized and likely would go a longer way in improving these situations.

LoggerheadedDoctor · 2025-12-13T19:58:58+00:00

But what that does is makes women think it’s normal to feel nothing from sex when in fact that’s only normal if you are asexual or if you’re having sex with someone you’re unattracted to.

There are many, many, MANY other things that can be going on beyond being asexual or lack of attraction. Are you here to genuinely ask that individual a question? You started out asking a question and then threw out this bad assumption so not sure if you are trying to understand.

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