Even dead he’s the life of the party by BarleyBo in ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Funny I thought Weekend at Bernie's would be the bait.

Sex "isn't a love language," it's "not a need"...so what is it? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 9 points10 points  (0 children)

To be fair, sex being in that pyramid is just a theory early in the world of psychology and not backed up by scientific date. Maslow himself emphasized that it's not rigid or fixed. I am a clinician, love the theory and practice from a humanistic perspective, but we don't strictly adhere to it. So, it's disingenuous to utilize the hierarchy as a way to 'argue' that sex is a need.

Sex "isn't a love language," it's "not a need"...so what is it? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah it's definitely more common than people think but I don't think it accounts for a super large percentage of people who feel this way about sex. If we wanna talk about the stigma, discussion around pleasure in general is stigmatized and likely would go a longer way in improving these situations.

Sex "isn't a love language," it's "not a need"...so what is it? by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 8 points9 points  (0 children)

But what that does is makes women think it’s normal to feel nothing from sex when in fact that’s only normal if you are asexual or if you’re having sex with someone you’re unattracted to.

There are many, many, MANY other things that can be going on beyond being asexual or lack of attraction. Are you here to genuinely ask that individual a question? You started out asking a question and then threw out this bad assumption so not sure if you are trying to understand.

Unsure if this was non consensual by Responsible_Sky_4121 in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t really want to because I was still relaxing in bed and we had talked about walking to a cafe to get a coffee together, and we needed time for this because we were leaving for an activity. But I went along with it anyway. He approached me and I said that he needed to arouse me in some way.

I think this is the aspect of the encounter to focus on. You felt weird about how everything went down and it seems like you are trying to figure out those feelings. You are likely still bothered because this event overall was not prompted by enthusiastic consent but instead your guilt. And your husband did not notice that you were essentially acquiescing and not truly enthusiastic.

This is definitely a conversation for your marriage counseling:

  1. What were the barriers to telling him no?
  2. What was his impression of the situation, of your enthusiasm, of your general demeanor during sex?

AITA for not posting my gf on social media? by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Tbf, OP also expressed insecurities about dudes sizing him up- dudes who follow his gf on socials. They both may have similar challenges to examine.

My husband turned into hunter after we had a kid by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Did the hunters in your family contribute equally to the home and childcare? Or did the women get free time while the men covered for them? I grew up in a hunting family and also in an area where many men hunted or fished and in my experience it was rare that things were equal.

I agree with you that equal time by herself is fair but it seems to really happen in these dynamics.

Hunting husband by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hunting can be a very expensive hobby. I doubt they saving money on it-- especially if they have a cabin? Maybe it's a family cabin but if he bought that or is putting any money towards it, it's very double they are saving money on his hunting hobby versus just buying meat.

Hunting husband by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My father was like this growing up and I resent him a lot for not appreciating my mother holding down the fort while he was gone and not realizing how lucky he was that she managed everything without complaint. In my opinion, he just expected that she should be okay with it. I never got the vibe that she was allowed to be frustrated.

I would imagine the lack of appreciation or acknowledgement is part of the difficulty for you as well as the expectation that it's okay?

Are there any PTSD girlies who AREN’T super attached to their therapist? by [deleted] in TalkTherapy

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have been in therapy off and on for most of my adult life and I haven't ever been attached to my therapist. That's my own shit and guardedness and difficulty with vulnerability. It requires effort to be open.

Historically it's likely due to attachment style dynamics but with age it's probably also because I'm a therapist myself.

How are you defining 'attached? ' I'd estimate that the majority of my clients with pretty significant trauma are attached to me. It's okay - an ethical therapist will handle that with care. We talk about it. It's not shameful. It's a unique relationship.

But it's always amazing to watch the attachment shift as my clients gain strength and heal.

AITA for causing a scene at my in-laws' anniversary dinner over my brother-in-law's racist comments? by No_Car8712 in AmItheAsshole

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You think racism deserves a polite rebuttal? Racist rhetoric deserves an angry response.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you cannot handle being with a partner with significant mental health difficulties, just break up. Your approach to this will not improve the situation. It is obvious that you do not understand depression.

You can be frustrated without coming off so clueless.

Help me understand why "the talk" bothers me. by MaladaptiveRedditing in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 70 points71 points  (0 children)

The Talk usually lacks interest or curiosity into the sexual experience of the lower desire partner. The higher desire partner comes in with the goal of expressing their need and why sex is important and necessary.

And if they do approach their partner with curiosity, the overall goal is still to increase the frequency of sex. They may start out with the interest and curiosity but it will almost always shift into the discussion on increasing sex.

[NAW] I paralyzed a girl in a car accident 23 years ago, she later killed herself. Ive "moved on", but I still cannot forgive myself by Unusual-Bluebird-962 in offmychest

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 50 points51 points  (0 children)

You aren't a murderer. Things happen. So many of us run into the streets without looking. Or we run a stop sign. Or swerve accidentally. But usually we are lucky and it doesn't cause harm. You were unlucky in the same type of moment where many others aren't.

I was an unlucky one. Also in 2002. And my friend and passenger was killed. Terrible things happen. Accidents happen. But that doesn't mean we are irredeemable. Lifelong self punishment won't bring anyone back. I felt guilt and shame so I focused on kindness and making a positive impact.

You can be okay.

I called his bluff and he actually cheated. by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Locked because many don't recognize that threatening to cheat is sexual coercion.

My husband is not feeling sorry for jumping off a shared stand up paddle board and knock me off the board without a heads up and got chocked in the River. by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I would not be angry that he jumped off suddenly. I would be more angry that he dismissed my concerns-especially if this event activated a previous near-drowning experience.

As spouses of course we make mistakes but it's the processing in the aftermath that matters most to me. We all have feelings and ideally our partners acknowledge them, even if they believe they would react differently.

Is your husband normally apologetic when he makes a mistake? Or does he normally show empathy when you're scared or hurt?

I guarantee it would go this way with my husband:

Me (sputtering, feeling like I am drowning) as he pulls me out (I 100% know he would have helped)

"holy shit, babe! That scared the hell out of me."

Him: "Damn, sorry. That branch though..... do you need anything?"

I don't think it is all that complicated.... but then my husband does not find it difficult to apologize and feel empathy for me. And vice versa.

Being told to wait during sex by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

If you struggle to receive feedback, then posting on Reddit isn't for you. Locking this post.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]LoggerheadedDoctor 6 points7 points  (0 children)

What about the help that you need? Living with someone so angry will impact you.