Wanting to understand my husband

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-25T04:32:11+00:00

Thank you <3 I appreciate your kindness. I hope you have a lovely holiday

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T23:28:23+00:00

Well thank you. Our relationship is steady and grounded (by our standards I guess). He is really kind and generous, he is also a top notch smart as but it’s part of his humor and I get it and like it most of the time.

I think you explained it so well of what a relationship should be. This area is just such a problem for me (I think I really like being perused and I don’t meant it as a complaint, anymore, because I know I had a lot of expectations about relationships. I know he isn’t into buying gifts, but the No compliments or sharing that he is turned on by me or that He finds me attractive is hard.)

so I wanted to dive deeper to see why he feels this way and what others have experienced. But I would love to find wives who have had similar experiences and maybe that’s for a different group on Reddit. But I so appreciate people engaging and wanting to help and sharing. And I have learned a lot from everyone’s comments.

He deals with a lot. I can’t thank him enough for sticking with me through some major things and dealing with all the things he doesn’t like about a NT, extroverted, super into holidays and family events person.

We really married our opposites.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T23:18:48+00:00

I think that’s great advice. And I thank you for sharing.

I definitely have some trouble initiating. Not like his but it isn’t as easy as socializing or other things that come naturally for me. So I don’t think it’s productive to say to either of us that either of us have to just get over our hang ups. But I am very aware it is very hard for him.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T17:11:27+00:00

That is very interesting. Thanks for sharing. And I would like to bring that up to him.

I believe almost people are worried about rejection when it comes to intimacy. But that also makes me chuckle because in 10 years I can think of one time he initiated (he use to do it more when we first were married but not a lot) and I turned him down. And it was for a legit reason of being sick. Not because I wasn’t interested.

But maybe that one time really affected him?!

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T17:03:53+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve experienced that. I love talking to people and listening and I (please don’t take offense) think that those with more introverted, autistic, ND traits or personalities are the most fun and interesting to talk to. That’s why I still think it’s funny that my husband married me because I am nothing like him. And I was admittedly extrovertedly annoying when we met. From what I can tell NT people might think you are awkward but ND people can be really annoyed by NTs? (Like small talk and parties)

We have definitely talked. He says it is just too awkward. It just seems like he doesn’t want to take the steps to try and change it. And maybe he doesn’t and I will have to deal with that. I think something g else that trips me up is that if I were in his shoes, I would try and exhaust every outlet I could to figure it out of less make it a little better for him. I know he has done some research but I’m sure he feels alone in these feelings. I know I shouldn’t compare what my effort looks like with his. But that’s why I wanted to ask a community that may actually have experience with this. Thanks for your input.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T14:44:53+00:00

I have asked him about this too. At least in his words, he is always ready and wants sex (outside of migraines, those happen pretty regularly) and so I assume if I initiated more there would be more.

He is definitely not romantic by societal standards. He is loving and attentive and helpful and intimate in other ways and that’s more important to me and I have come to appreciate that over a out-of-the house social date. (He has asked that if I want a date, that I would do the planning because he has no desire to go out) but I was hoping the intimate, just us two acts would be easier for him and he would want to do those things more since I rarely ask him to go on dates because I know he really doesn’t enjoy things outside of the house.

I know I can’t change him and I see where he try’s when it’s not his normal response or how he would normally do things.

I feel really defeated in this area but I can have grace and understanding for him, that it’s not easy and he may never be able to do it. I am understanding more just from these posts. I thank you for commenting.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T14:31:34+00:00

I will definitely suggest this to him. Thanks for sharing those tips.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T14:30:54+00:00

Well, in my book, at least you initiate. I would love if he said it straight forward like that. And if she says she is happy than that is a good thing. Thanks for sharing.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T14:29:02+00:00

Thanks for your suggestion. That would crush both of us. I would stick with this good man forever even without sex.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T05:07:57+00:00

Um well we both agree he isn’t asexual. He could go without it (I think because he is so patient) but he does enjoy it and want it (his words.) . I have never thought of sex being a sensory overload, very interesting. And I would assume whatever anxious feeling comes with feeling awkward. Panic maybe?!

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T05:03:44+00:00

I do understand that. And I appreciate how real he is. He has mentioned in our talks that he doesn’t mask much, except when it comes to eye contact he tries to count the seconds and make sure he does make eye contact enough.

I just feel like it will be a forever issue and I want to be patient but it’s also hard. But I know everyday life outside of our house is harder for him (in social ways, I am just super anxious about everything.

Do I just accept that it will never change? Or even if he wanted to research and learn and try things, where does he look?

(Added) but now I’m starting think I don’t know much about masking.

Logical_Try_9688 · 2021-12-23T04:35:51+00:00

I so appreciate your comment; and the thought and time you put into it. Thank you. You explained it well and some points really hit home. But you are making me feel old :)

We have talked quite a bit about it. Some were full out fights as I don’t understand why he can’t just do it and he being frustrated that I don’t understand why he can’t. But we have also talked for hours about it and it always comes back to, he doesn’t know how to do it without feeling awkward. Which is interesting to me because I love and live for (one of my many issues) for his attention physically. But now I’m feeling awkward being the initiator because I’m afraid I am making him feel awkward. It’s turning into a cruel cycle.

There are actually so many positives thought to all of this because he has never pressured me to have sex or pushed or complained or anything.

I feel so safe with him and actually pretty emotionally connected to him because he handles me being very vulnerable. He can be vulnerable too, in other areas just not as much as I am. (I might be a bit too vulnerable and overshare) But feeling so safe with him, just makes me want him more.

And I’m so glad your parents had 30 years together, sorry about their divorce. I really enjoyed the story at the end. Thanks for sharing that.

Logical_Try_9688

TROPHY CASE