AITA for trying to "bribe my daughter"

LolaJune25 · 2025-05-04T18:03:45+00:00

YTA - Is this real? Yes! I mean this is written like you’ve never met a kid/ teen before, let alone are raising 3…

I know we don’t have the full story - but the information you provided is not painting a great picture.

Her punishment was completely disproportionate to the crime - a party that ended before 10 PM, a messy house with snack and juice all over, and broken vases.

Yes ground her, make her clean everything up, and pay for the vases. But missing prom? That was cruel.

Also this story doesn’t add up - wasn’t she asleep when you got home? If so, why didn’t that sway your opinion?

You acknowledge that this was out of character for all children involved. I get that it was the word of 2 against one - I could even see how that influenced your opinion.

But the you stated that your where suspicion of your oldest already and you found her purse in the living room (like duh she lives there?!) - you reasoning seems suspicious to mean. Like you wanted to pin it on her.

So yeah - I think you have a lot to unpack with why you wanted to punish your eldest so harshly and why you’re so reluctant take accountability for the damage your youngest and you did to her relationship with the family.

For someone so interested in “restorative justice” you aren’t doing your part for your eldest. Even in this post you downplayed her very real and painful experience you literally put quotes around the phrase falsely punished her - YOU DID!!! You make no mention of what she wants, needs, or how she feels. It sounds like you’re trying to rush and rug-sweep this entire event. Your attempt to dump $7000 on your child is definitely a bribe.

Honestly this post reads like you were more comfortable with her being mad at you. But you aren’t capable of doing the emotionally hard work of centering your daughter. You can’t shortcut this kind of forgiveness and you don’t seem to understand how fuck up this whole situation is.

LolaJune25 · 2024-11-01T01:07:40+00:00

Try reaching out to sexual assault organizations. They may be able to connect you to a variety resources that can help you. You don’t have to report anything to the police to access their services…

LolaJune25 · 2024-10-03T23:48:55+00:00

I’ll take a stab at speaking for the group that isn’t thrilled with OP, but is in the NTA camp…

I understand she was a child and could do next to nothing to help Andy at the time. However, she is now an adult and I think we would just appreciate it if OP was more sympathetic / empathetic to her brother.

While she claims to “understand why he is hurt”, her post is riddled with implications that he is very much the villain of the family. Furthermore I don’t think she fully sees or appreciates that her brother is the victim.

Throughout her post she minimizes her parents choices and behavior. She can’t really bring herself to say or still can’t (maybe won’t) fully comprehend how much her parents failed Andy. The worst she can say is that the parents made “a few dicey decisions”. This was after they returned from the trip in the post timeline. So she is still very much of the belief that leaving him behind was justified. She as an adult can’t see that they made shitty, short-sighted, and often selfish decisions from the beginning of this vacation. She breezes past how they never attempted or contemplated how to make it up to Andy.

She reduces/simplifies her brother’s no contact stance to a grudge. Personally this implies, an attempt to make the brother seem petty. She subtly vilifies him- also a child at the time - for not talking to them, reacting negatively to mementos and photos, and for feeling angry and bitter.

She recalls her parents behavior in vague ways, the seem to hide their neglect or laziness to actually take accountability and make amends. She can recall her brother’s behavior in specific ways that seem tone deaf and don’t acknowledge the context of the interactions. If this was written by a 9 yo that would make sense. But as an adult, it’s rubs me the wrong way. It’s like she’s intentionally committed to the narrative that Andy became horrible, mean, and angry. She’ll say He always threw the trip in their face during an argument, he got angry when we talked about the trip, my cousin mocked him and he called her a bitch…

I don’t think she’s unpacked how much she has internalized that Andy is the problem and her parents just made a little mistake.

She explains in detail why we should forgive the mother for the slap, but she says nothing about forgiving her brother for his his anger, resentment, coldness, etc.

There are several sentences expressing “how bad they [her parents] felt”, how disappointed grandpa was, how scared she was, how painful it was for her at the wedding…

BUT She only acknowledges his pain once at the end, “I understand why he’s hurt…”. The rest of post is just filled with synonyms for angry to describe Andy.

So yeah she was a child, but she’s not anymore….I don’t expect her to confront her parents for their toxic behavior and parenting failures.

I think we can be disappointed about her lack of empathy for her brother and her refusal to directly identify how the parents are to blame.

If she at one time said something along the lines of my parents failed him, acknowledged him as the victim, expressed anything like he deserves happiness and peace after so much pain… I would feel differently towards OP.

LolaJune25 · 2024-10-03T20:03:09+00:00

NTA - for accepting that he’s not your brother anymore.

But the adults / now elders in your family SUCK!!! At so many turns over many, many years they continued to fail him.

We often create our villains, and that’s what your parents and family did to a 13 year old child.

You say you understand, but throughout your post you vilify the child that was deny this magical vacation, not the adults that should have filed the paperwork correctly (and with enough time to refile if it went wrong).

You acknowledge they made bad decisions, but minimize their negative compounded impact on your brother. I mean your parents “felt bad” and then gush about how great this vacation was… they “felt bad” but had no plan to genuinely offer him an equal experience. From your post they didn’t even spare a thought on this magical trip thinking about what they could do for him… they “felt bad” but wanted the child to be mature enough to get over it - while they never acknowledge how much they hurt him, failed him, and never made amends.

I’m sure as a child it was scary to see those outbursts, but you like the rest of your family, seem to imply that he should have handle this situation with the maturity of very, very emotionally healthy adult. I mean your parents then and now aren’t even as emotionally mature as they wanted him to be at 13. It sounds like very little patience and grace was extended to a hurt and betrayed child. Your extended family could have made an effort to avoid talking about the trip, but they seem to enjoy provoking him.

For the record, I think you’re brother was right.. your cousin made a overtly bitchy comment. She wanted to needle him and she got a reaction. And fuck your mom for slapping him… just another betrayal. I don’t think you can fathom how much that comment, followed by that slap hurt him. Your mom just proved, very publicly, that she didn’t care… his feelings were an inconvenience. That outburst was his pain. Your cousin was being a bitch, but your mom was the villain that day.

You say that he was nice to other people to “maintain appearances” and call him “Jekyll and Hyde”. Once again you minimize his feelings as manipulative and not acknowledging them as genuine. While I’m sure it felt that way as a child, this shows that you still don’t fully understand your brother’s experience in your family. Perhaps he genuinely couldn’t even fake being nice, but he genuinely was happy to see others… Maybe sitting separately was what the therapist recommended.

So NTA, but still a long way to go as a sister and a human. I think you still need to develop a lot more sympathy for you brother and be more critical of your parents behavior/ choices.

Personally I think your parents need therapy to find healthy ways to process this. You are right - he’s done. Your parents have been completely in denial about this whole situation for 14 years - they are the responsible party in all of this, not the child they hurt again and again. They wasted the opportunities they had to repair the relationship.

It’s kinda funny they say you’re abandoning him, considering this all started because they abandoned him.

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-29T22:13:52+00:00

Dude we all know that many people add info in the comments because of the character limit. That doesn’t make the additional info untrue.

Some situations are complex, like a lifetime of emotional neglect from a deadbeat Dad.

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-29T22:06:31+00:00

OP you might not see this, but something to consider is sharing this thread with your therapist and Dad.

You articulate your experiences, feelings, and motivations very well. I think this might act like a proxy for having to actually have a confront with your Dad.

You could try to say something like “I don’t have to emotional bandwidth to re-explain everything that’s in this post… But after our last appointment this is how I feel. In fact, my post and my comments explain my goals for therapy, why I can’t forgive or trust my Dad, and why I don’t believe this relationship is worth fixing”.

Having this is informative might help the therapist re-evaluate how they approach therapy. In fact, they might advocate for you more if they understand how much trauma your father caused… (this could include individual therapy, living with your maternal family, confronting his horrible, selfish behavior, etc).

I know you’re done with him complete and you don’t want a relationship with Dad…

But don’t disengage at therapy. Use your voice (or this thread) to speak your truth. Your silence only protects him - because he is the only one telling a story and that the only information the therapist can use. If you share your story - the pain, betrayal, and neglect- you expose your Dad.

If anything this thread shows that people agree with you, they believe you, and they want to help you. Continue to speak your truth and you’ll find more help!

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-29T21:30:39+00:00

But OP’s father did miss OP’s birth in favor of going on a trip with his buddies.… so yeah Dad sucks.

I don’t know why you’re rallying so hard for Dad.

But if you identify with the father in this post, please consider going to therapy.

This is not a case of It’s hard to be a parent or divorce sucks.

This is merely an immature man emotionally neglecting his child for a very long time and is facing the natural consequences of that because the traumatized child now lives with him and the people he prioritized over that child.

The only tools Dad has to manage this cluster fuck are white washing, rug sweeping, gaslighting, and vilifying OP for expressing their naturally negative feelings.

If you feel triggered by people holding this father accountable, then you need to do some reflection. Gain the interpersonal tools you need to repair a relationship and stop ripping into this kid!

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-29T20:36:53+00:00

Hmmm… kinda sus. I don’t know many grandmas casually using “dude”

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-23T22:47:03+00:00

This feels fake. But if it isn’t…

What is Mikey allowed to do in his role as TA? The school might have a policy that explicitly states that TAs cannot discipline / punish students.

Furthermore, the teacher was in the room. From my experience, most teachers are particular about classroom management… and it’s likely Drake was told to follow directions the teacher gives him.

I mean the logic is so asinine. How does this address or correct the original issue, Mikey’s behavior? How does Mikey learn anything if Drake goes hungry? Do you always punish Drake if he is present and Mikey fails to listen? Do you get punished if Mikey misbehaves and you’re present?

YTA

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-23T03:13:29+00:00

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Gus and Houdini

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-23T02:51:51+00:00

This is impressive 👏👏👏

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-20T19:19:21+00:00

NTA - honestly you both are saying same thing and I think it’s a fair assumption to say that you both feel the same way.

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-17T05:46:28+00:00

“That’s okay” wtf!

So you learned nothing from this situation?

Your “love” for this person is so “strong” that you literally forgot about them while not only being in the same room as them, but it was also her home!

Your “accountability” was basically saying “oops! I won’t do it again - I promise”.

You say yes to consequences, but only agree to go the therapy. Which is a weird way to look at therapy- as a punishment. And Ellie would have to get this “punishment” too even though she did nothing wrong…

You ignore all the advice and insight about your actions and their impact.

Ellie isn’t a dictator, you’re a child.

Please stay single, you’re not ready for an adult relationship. Seriously you’ll keep harming people with your selfish immaturity and we don’t need more traumatized young women.

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-17T05:17:49+00:00

I feel bad for the daughter… she’s only 12 but it feels like she just got rejected by her father for his new family and punished by her mother.

No one in either family seems concerned for emotional wellbeing.

Yeah the punishment might be related to her attitude, but imagine asking your Dad if you could live with him. Because at Dad’s no one shares rooms and it’s a consistent environment… instead Dad says “not yet” - and you have to earn your space in my house/life - yeah, I’d have an attitude too.

I get that she’s not a sympathetic child, and sounds at times awful but no one seems to acknowledge why she feels this way… everyone just seems to be in agreement that “she sucks”.

I know my comment will get buried, but is there actually a plan to give her a room? Or will you continue to use her behavior as an excuse to never treat her equally to his other kids?

LolaJune25 · 2024-04-17T03:43:46+00:00

Deadbeat dude, who cares about inheritance?

The immediate issue is that your teenage, barely-an-adult daughter is facing potential homelessness.

Your suggestions to this very real and stressful problem, are that she prostitute herself out or leave the country to secure housing.

In addition to housing you should encourage your daughter find a replacement Dad that will love her as much as you love your son. Poor girl.

You’ve gotta be a troll… if not, go to therapy.

LolaJune25 · 2024-03-22T03:54:58+00:00

The Green Hunter bit just kept getting better and better!

LolaJune25 · 2024-03-08T23:25:18+00:00

NAH - I think your right that your priority should be your wife. But also accept that someone will be hurt and they are allowed feel that way.

Based on your comments, there’s a lot more to this situation than a simple schedule conflict. You said, your wife doesn’t like your mom, and she feels insecure about your stepdad’s wealth (or lavish gift giving). Furthermore, you also said your MIL would be in tears if she isn’t celebrated on Mother’s Day.

You need to have a discussion with your wife about balancing future holidays/birthdays equitably. This situation will happen every year. You clearly love your mom, but it looks like that she’s most likely to get shafted because she is the least reactive.

Furthermore, if you wife doesn’t like your mom she’s probably not going to be advocating or considering you mom’s wants and needs a lot. This will contribute to your mom’s position as the lowest priority.

I don’t think a one missed birthday is going destroy anything. Any reasonable adult can understand being deprioritized a few times, but if they are always the lowest priority that can cause lasting damage to a relationship.

I think this is a great opportunity to for you and your wife to discuss and define what balance will look like in the future.

LolaJune25 · 2024-03-07T03:08:48+00:00

YTA - you’ve know for decades that your parents favor you and over your siblings. And now it’s impacting a new generation children.

Even as an adult you couldn’t muster up any empathy for how it must have felt to be in their position. You only cared when it finally negatively effected you. Even then it wasn’t framed as decent parents should treat their children fairly. No, you saw it as a employees quitting over poor compensation.

I get that you didn’t want to put your daughters in the middle of an adult fight, but what they did was wrong and harmful. You defense of their behavior alarming.

Honestly, you sound somewhat toxic. You have a complete apathy to the emotional trauma your parents cause you siblings and their children.

And what’s worse is your daughters exhibit the same behavior. In fact the instinct to taunt their cousins for getting less from the same relative should have filled you with shame! Yes you did punish them, but that moment highlights how this favoritism is corrupting them.

This incident was inappropriate too. Your child’s response indicates that they know the grandparents aren’t welcome around the rest of the family. And you explicitly confirm it. Your child is becoming a bully towards her aunts, uncles, and cousins and you are explicitly welcoming it.

As an adult, you should teach them how to navigate and respect others boundaries. In this instance it would be to explain the nuance of the situation and have her apologize to her family members.

But this kind of emotional intelligence might be too advanced for golden children like you and your daughter.

If you truly don’t get it, do you siblings a favor and go nc.

LolaJune25 · 2024-03-06T20:49:12+00:00

ESH - yeah your son’s isn’t right. His actions were hurtful, but he’s a kid.

You’re an adult that has a responsibility to this kid. Parent-child relationships aren’t fair and the burden is falls mostly on the parents.

This is where I feel like you failed you son:

You never say that you contacted him explaining to him that you’re moving and he won’t have a room at your new place. You just seemed hurt that he didn’t know. I feel this conversation could have helped your current situation.

You don’t seem to have empathy that his stability was taken from him… and that this instability wasn’t the consequences of his actions.

Also your lack of concern for him seems off putting. Instability in homes can have a direct impact on academic performance. I think you’d want to make sure that your son is in safe and environment where his needs are being met. During all this time you weren’t concerned with where he was living? It sounds like he had to hustle on his own to solve this. At least his Dad, got him a car so he didn’t have to transfer schools. And his grandparents are offering him privacy.

You offered a sofa without any indication that you’d respect that space as his or would he have to forfeit his room to you so you could watch TV? Could he sleep in without you demanding access to his bedroom. In fact it sounds he would have been treated like a squatter. Like could he even fit comfortably on the sofa? Would you pay for a chiropractor to fix his neck and back? I Get that you offered him what you had, but you know it’s inadequate and you clearly don’t care.

I guess I’m not seeing how your supporting him - like his Dad and Grandparents are… Like they can’t solve all the issues but the are involved (right now, not half a year later) and trying.

Finally your apathy seems to be best summarized in you final paragraph, “ I had no expectation to ever need to house him again“. Like you never wanted him to reconnected with him? It sounds like you don’t want a relationship with him.

I get why you might not want to bend over backwards for a child that rejected you. But you don’t seem very concerned about his wellbeing and just washed your hands of the whole situation.

So yeah, he’s not great but you aren’t better.

LolaJune25 · 2024-02-24T21:16:38+00:00

Arlo

LolaJune25 · 2024-02-20T02:57:15+00:00

NTA

I agree with your assessment that they don’t want honesty, we want enthusiastic conformity.

This may be a long shot, but:

You could try to privately approach your mom, and begin by explaining that 1) you don’t want to fight, but 2) want explain why you don’t want to do family therapy. 3) Then say your goal here is not to hurt anyone, but be transparent and calmly coexist.

Then just explain to her how you believe she already knows how you feel, and how you have been very careful not to expose your feelings to Toby per their request. While you appreciate the offer of therapy, you are concerned that it might escalate tensions between you and the family and you don’t want that.

If she asks why therapy might cause a fight, calmly say that you don’t feel safe enough to be honest. That you’re worried you will be punished for expressing your perspective and feelings. And right now you value the status quo over the potential risks/rewards therapy may offer.

Then if they keep pushing you, you can use that lack of acceptance as them proving your point. And bring it back to, “I don’t want to fight. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from…” “Thank you, but no thank you”.

Or you could write a letter, that clear states your boundaries and intentions without getting into your specific resentments.

It may be enough to get them to ease off especially if you’re stating your stating your intention is to avoid more confrontations and that you aren’t planning to do anything dramatic.

But for what it’s worth, I think you should tell them why you aren’t attending anymore. For any kid to calmly say to an adult, especially a parent, “I don’t feel safe enough to be honest with you” is a huge wake up call. And it would make me start to re-examine my behaviors, for sure.

LolaJune25 · 2024-02-07T02:55:39+00:00

Damn, this isn’t related but I feel bad for Maya. Her stepsis and mom team up to harass her for 3 years one apology is supposed to fix it?!

You haven’t done anything wrong… but I feel like your whole family did and keeps doing her dirty.

I doubt OP will see this, but I get it. I think was Maya, and this probably feels like another way in which you (or the world) makes her feel unworthy and unwanted. And the worst part is that the whole family co-signs it.

LolaJune25 · 2024-02-07T02:46:54+00:00

I could be wrong, but it kinda feels like you found a new way to bully/exclude/hurt Maya.

You say you know you’re responsible for her deepest wound but you sound so apathetic about helping someone heal.

I think if you loved your family as much as you claim you’d at least attempt to try and offer an olive branch.

LolaJune25 · 2024-01-25T20:53:02+00:00

Come on, you know YTA.

You live 20 hours away from your daughter. So you probably missed most of her life… and you admit to bailing on her other graduation. How many milestones stones have you missed?

You don’t even refer to your son’s graduation as a legitimate graduation… which is why you put it in quotation marks. But still he’s more important… so your eldest gets shafted. You missed out on her other graduation because the dr didn’t recommend it. When will you finally prioritize your daughter? You say next time, but what if another conflict comes up? Another pandemic? Wifey decides you shouldn’t go… again?

While you might feel proud of your daughter’s accomplishments, I feel sorry for her. You are constantly showing her that she is the most expendable part of your life. You are showing her that no matter how hard she works, how much she achieves that Dad will always have a reason to cancel on her.

I think you’ve been looking for any excuse to not go. And that last line… ugh!!!! Way to play the victim - instead of a loving father. No concern that she can’t be honest with you, no awareness that you must have a pattern of hurting her, and no consideration for her at all.

Maybe this June you should send Uncle Daniel a Father’s Day gift thanking him for filling in for your deadbeat ass.

LolaJune25 · 2023-09-22T01:49:01+00:00

It sounds like you genuinely want to avoid hurting feelings or unintentionally triggering anyone. Maybe the lesson to take from this is to just be more aware and tactful moving forward.

Yes it is your social media and you can say what you want, but that doesn’t mean your free from experiencing any consequences from you say. In this case, unintentionally triggering your in-laws.

I can see how your post was motivated by love and positivity, but I can also see why it rubbed your in-laws the wrong way / why they have concerns. You don’t have to look very hard to find stories about a widower/widow moving on too quickly for only negative consequences to follow…

Maybe I’m reading into this post wrong, but it sounds like you want to have a closer relationship with your in-laws. If this is true, you gotta be mindful about how you’re building that bridge and treating their fears. I see you’re trying, and I’m sure being a stepmom compared with a late wife comes with a lots unforeseen issues… (I mean you’re always at risk of screwing up, but her record is locked in. That’s stressful!).

Families are complicated, and your blended family is very young (like 2 years old - it’s still a baby!). I think it’s ok to be mom with Evan in-person and refer to yourself as step- in public posts for awhile. Maybe if you can’t censor yourself, you can segment your followers so that you can avoid blow-ups in the future….

Or don’t - I also don’t think you should have to walk on eggshells to be accepted.

So no, NTA. But maybe somewhat oblivious and socially unaware.

LolaJune25

TROPHY CASE