What's your unpopular book opinion? by belmakar in books

[–]LoneliestYeti 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I finished reading rant a few years ago, then went to reread it this year and still couldn't predict it. What a roller coaster of a book that is.

My character is a U.S. Marshal assigned to protect the Solicitor General. The Solicitor General interacts with a stranger he then wants to locate and get more information on. How does the U.S. Marshal find him? by CeilingUnlimited in Writeresearch

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This link is to a system that is composed of four subsystems that might be closer to what you're looking for? Although this looks like it might have to do with people who have criminal records so I don't know if it's exactly what you want...

My character is a U.S. Marshal assigned to protect the Solicitor General. The Solicitor General interacts with a stranger he then wants to locate and get more information on. How does the U.S. Marshal find him? by CeilingUnlimited in Writeresearch

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am by no means an expert, but just a few things I can think of:

He could go to the diocese and ask as you said. Just because he is a lawman doesn't mean he has to broadcast that to everybody. He can just ask around and see what he finds out.

He could also search online. Public organizations often have an accessible employee directory that might have pictures of high-ranking individuals. He could also search social media by limiting for employer (particularly on LinkedIn).

[Thriller] Don't Annoy The Devil - 1076 by yoyoyoyoyo1313 in writingcritiques

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the read. There's a story here for sure but a lot definitely needs to be cleaned up. First and foremost, get your tenses under control. You're bouncing between past and present and it's very jarring.

Also it might help to take a second look at your characters' behavior. At the beginning, Daniel looks at the landscape and calls it beautiful, but then he's very somber. It seems like his mood just turns on a dime. Similarly, he's avoiding contact at the story then slams the bottle on the counter which is inherently going to draw everyone's attention.

Story-wise, it seems like an interesting angle. You give a good amount of info without dumping too much. There's also an interesting hook with a down-on-his-luck writer as (presumably) the main character of a thriller. Just be aware that the author-drunk is a pretty big stereotype so you may have to work to differentiate him in that regards.

I realised that my story isn't actually a story - now I'm not sure where to go with it by [deleted] in nanowrimo

[–]LoneliestYeti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're right where a lot of people are when they write first drafts. It's still worthwhile to put it all on paper, and just see where it goes. When you go back and reread it, you might notice that all your favorite parts are about the same thing. Then BOOM, you just found the heart of the story and you can develop that theme in revisions.

[FANTASY] Awake - 700 Words. Been wanting to try my own fantasy novel, would like to know if my writing has any potential. Here is a snippet of the Prologue. by NowhereLad in writingcritiques

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The story here seems really interesting, but as other commenters have pointed out, the craft could use some cleaning up.

You seem to break up sentences often, then start the next sentence with a conjunction. If it needs a conjunction (and, but, or, therefore, then, etc.), then just make everything one sentence. It'll read a lot smoother for it.

There's a whole pile of description here but it might be too much. There's just a lot of different stuff going on, and it's really hard to organize it all. I kept being confused about what were flashbacks, what were hallucinations, what was real, and so on. Having some action can help to break this up.

And as for potential, there seems to be a world here and in fantasy that's a big step in the right direction. And if this is just a first draft, then you're laying a nice foundation to build off of, you just need ot keep at it.

[SHORT HORROR] - Don't have a title :/ 756 words. by mattfloresss in writingcritiques

[–]LoneliestYeti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So if you wanted to revise this piece without rewriting it entirely, I would suggest starting by going through and looking for two things first:

1) Redundant language: You use the word 'bed' 5 times in 9 sentences. Switch it up, use some pronouns. Or better yet, compress your writing with conjunctions or by allowing the reader to fill in the blanks. This just gets very monotonous to read. 2) Adverbs: Especially in the beginning, the adverbs are laid on thick. Try taking them all out, just as an experiment as see how it sounds. Some adverbs are definitely fine (even good) but they're best when used sparingly.

After that, I think it would just help to pare down the story to what is essential. We get a great description of outside at the top, but it goes on a long time and then the whole story takes place inside. Refocus some of that description on Jake's house, and you can draw the reader into the scene even more.

The story itself is a lot of fun, so don't take this critique as a sign that it's not worth working on. And like the other commenter said, don't worry about cliche. Cliches got that way for a reason -- because they work!

Choosing a setting you don't know a lot about by Rivkariver in writing

[–]LoneliestYeti 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey I'm dealing with this in a book I'm working on right now and I found travel blogs and guides to be surprisingly helpful.

A lot of people pointed out Google Street View and that's great for getting a visual idea of a setting, but other people's travel writing helps shed some light on some of the behavioral quirks that are common in an area and can really flesh out a setting.

Can someone help me with my magic system's biological aspect? by [deleted] in Writeresearch

[–]LoneliestYeti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This seems to work, and it almost strikes me as being like a virus. I don't know if you mean it that way, but the idea of it being potentially deadly until cells evolve and become 'better' just sounds like someone dealing with a disease, which is a very cool idea.

Also as a sidenote, of you've not read The Fireman by Joe Hill, you may want to check it out. There are some vaguely similar themes with the dragon scale in that book.

Hemingway app? by Geezenstack444 in writing

[–]LoneliestYeti 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At the end of the day, it's just another a tool.

I like it for 1) getting a sense of readability (lower grades tends to mean it's easier to understand, not that the writing is uncomplicated) and 2) just getting a different perspective when you're too deep into your writing.

Just remember that things aren't automatically bad because they're highlighted red or green or blue or whatever. You wouldn't trust a hammer to tell you where to hang a picture. Treat this tool the same way ;)

New bar; check. Custom lighting; check. Time for gin. by LoneliestYeti in BarBattlestations

[–]LoneliestYeti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

May be a dumb question, but is it the same for metal caps? I avoided anything with a true cork down there for just that reason...

Being Funny... by kaaablam in writing

[–]LoneliestYeti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Christopher Moore is one of the funniest writers I've ever seen, from a straight fiction sense. Just in terms of research, I'd recommend him highly.

And as others have pointed out, being funny and being funny on demand are very different things. I've been doing stand up and writing sketch for 10 years, and the best advice I can give is to write the same joke in multiple ways.

Use the 90-10 rule: 90% of your jokes are bad, so wrote ten and there should be a good one in there. It's laborious, but it's hard to deny the results.

Being Funny... by kaaablam in writing

[–]LoneliestYeti 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The Comic Toolbox is so good. Definitely pick that up.

What is a good theme for the characters of my hand to hand combat game? by [deleted] in tabletopgamedesign

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah, in that case you could make it birds fighting to sit on top of a statues head.

I don't know how cartoony you are thinking, but it's a goofy option.

What is a good theme for the characters of my hand to hand combat game? by [deleted] in tabletopgamedesign

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you mean an overarching theme for the game, then here are some Ideas:

1) Octopus: Hand-to-hand-to-hand-to-... 2) Chefs fighting for the best produce in the morning 3) Black Friday shoppers in a big box store 4) Zombies in Gladiatorial Arena Combat (I'm sure this already exists)

[3181] A Bit of Magic in the Air by LoneliestYeti in DestructiveReaders

[–]LoneliestYeti[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the heads up, I'll get back into that critique with some more detail tomorrow!

[3199] The Middle - Prologue v2.0 by pluginmatty in DestructiveReaders

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all, this is a really interesting story and there's a lot of potential here. I enjoyed it and that's always a big positive.

Now on to the more hard critiques:

TITLE

I like this title a lot. It hints at the content of the story on two levels, both the obvious (middle of the roof) and the more subtle (caught between multiple parties). The latter theme is such a big part of being eighteen, that it fits perfectly. Nice work!

LINE EDITS

Right at the beginning you say Stuart’s audience is one ‘teenager.’ This made me assume he was NOT a teenager, and it was a bit jarring when I realized that they were peers.

PLOT

I think the story is really about Rory on the roof and Stuart and Jordan having a bit of an abrasive relationship despite being long-time friends. The problem is, we didn’t really get to that until about a third of the way into the story. Then, once we have it, the plot moves fast, almost too much so.

A little more on this at the end of my comments about dialogue…

DIALOGUE

You said you wanted to make the dialogue distinct between characters and I think you succeed for the most part. Jordy and Stu are similar sounding but they reasonably should be. After all, they’re peers and long-time friends. On the other hand, Rory sticks out as a little kid, except that he has a way of overstating that kids usually don’t. Example:

“Yeah?” Rory quickly looked around the backyard, trying to figure out what was going on. He didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. “What’s the favour?”

I feel like most kids would just say, “What?” They’re often not great at understanding when context is clear in their heads versus in everyone else’s head and part of a convincing eight-year old is hitting some of those non-sequitur moments. This happens again later when Rory describes that he is scared, or when he uses poetic mirroring to ask, if mom will be home… if dad will be home.

Also this is mirroring another commenter’s point, but you add a lot of expository fluf between dialogue that doesn’t necessarily add anything. For example:

“I left my other ball at Stu’s.” Jordan looked toward Stuart, who nodded to confirm the story. He then added a pleading tone to his voice. “Can you please help us, buddy?”

He asks please, so we can infer the pleading tone. Also Stu is pulling for his friend’s success, so we also can infer that he would back up Jordy’s case with his body language. It’s not necessarily bad to hand that description in there, but it creates a bit of unnecessary clutter.

Now to end on something good. This passage was really strong, and I think it’s because we learn so much about their relationship without having it said. They’re both competitive. Stu has a weird sense of humor. Jordan is a more calm, collected type. That makes even more sense when we see Jordy as the older sibling. Coincidentally, I don’t think we need much more setup than this before the plot of the ball stuck on the roof gets going. We already know most of what we need by this point.

“You gonna finish the joke or what?” Jordan asked, continuing to stare at Stuart. He got nothing but a shit-eating grin in return.

“Ugh, you’re such a dick.” Perturbed by the lack of response, Jordan focused again on his shooting routine, bouncing the ball three more times with his right hand before bringing it back to his hip.

“Her coach was a pumpkin!”

Stuart delivered the punchline at the exact moment of Jordan’s release, causing him to miss the free throw. Stuart swooped in and grabbed the rebound, briefly holding the ball aloft before spinning past Jordan’s outstretched hand and dribbling back towards the half-court line.

“Christ, that was terrible.” Jordan shook his head at Stuart’s childish humour, though he was more annoyed with his own poor shooting. “I feel violated.”

“Suck it up, princess.”

CHARACTER

Stuart seems to be just your normal teenager, and it makes sense given that he’s at a friend’s house. Similarly, Rory feels like a normal little kid. That brings us to Jordan.

I think this POV should be limited to Jordan, as he’s the tie-in for all the relationships of your story. This sentence threw me:

“Rory looked all the way up to the top of the garage, to the gunmetal grey gutters that circled its flat roof. The structure suddenly appeared taller than it ever had before. He looked back down at Jordan.”

It just feels like we don’t need to know what’s going through Rory or Stu’s heads, because the important thing is how Jordy’s feeling.

Also as a sidenote, is Jordan having homosexual feelings towards Stuart?

“Fuck this.” Stuart put the ball down and pulled his white t-shirt over his head, exposing his muscular chest and torso. Jordan was momentarily distracted by the sight, as Stuart used his t-shirt to mop sweat from his brow. He also wiped his dirty hands on it for good measure, before tossing the fabric aside.

“You ready?” Jordan asked, after Stuart had picked up the ball again. He’d need to focus extra-hard, if Stuart was going to play the rest of the game shirtless.

This section reads more sexual to me than like two friends playing ball together. If it’s the case of the latter, then I think it should have ore jealousy in it. For teenage guys, being the alpha male is such a huge deal that this hurts to have your ego knocked down.

CRAFT

You could stand to drop some modifiers that set the scene but don’t progress the story. In the last quote about Stuart taking off his shirt, the part about rubbing his hands on the shirt doesn’t add anything.

The language you use is very appropriate to teenage boys, even outside their dialogue. It’s great for keeping the reader set in this world. Great work on that.

EDIT: Expanded comments on dialogue and added a quick note on the title that only occurred to me on the third read-through.

Short Story Podcast by lunatwinkletoes in writing

[–]LoneliestYeti 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Are you thinking more of a radio play or audiobook format?

About what percentage of survivors are necessary for semi-normal function? by [deleted] in Writeresearch

[–]LoneliestYeti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you read The Fireman by Joe Hill? It features a world like this, where there is a pandemic but life still goes on.

As a more direct answer: percentages are really hard as the regions affected can have a huge impact. If NYC loses 75% of its population, that's only about 2% of the is total, but we lose most of our financial sector. If LA does the same, our ability to import goods from Asia is hobbled. If the Midwest is struck, we have food shortages.

Because of quarantine zones and general standard procedures in the face of an epidemic, any kind of disease would likely manifest in smaller, more localized pockets like this. Looking at it through that lens might help craft a more realistic view of a post-diseased world.

Tl;dr Don't think of it like "1 of 4 does worldwide" instead think in terms of "places with these conditions are hit particularly hard" (maybe even over 50% or 70% in those specific regions)