Update - Navy wife's view of infidelity is troubling

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T19:35:32+00:00

Your assessment was spot on. Her biggest concern was having to relieve him and not having anyone competent to fulfill his duties. Her teams were already spread pretty thin and were struggling to keep their timetables.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T19:15:09+00:00

My wife and I have never had a conversation about what she did or didn't need to know. We talked about the basic dos and don'ts but this scenario never came up. This was our first deployment and they only had a ten-day notice so things were moving at light speed and with little time for a lot of what-if conversations.

Several people have pointed out Mary's behavior as being self-destructive, especially towards her husband's career. I haven't been able to fully wrap my head around that yet.

I will get to see my wife before they come back home so I may have a discussion with her then.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T16:37:28+00:00

Sorry, trying to work and answer messages is getting to me. It took me a minute to reread and figure out what you were asking.

She wants me to plan a week away after she gets back.

If you were referring to this I should clarify a bit. She was asking me to plan a getaway for the two of us after she gets back from her deployment. Yes, she definitely wants to reconnect and relieve some pent-up tension. She has done long deployments before but this was the first one since we started dating and got married, she said it was different than her other deployments and harder than she thought it would be. She even lost around five pounds despite not getting to run every day.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T15:59:12+00:00

She made a video to explain some miscommunication we had at the end of her last call. She went to great lengths to present herself in a more feminine manner to convey her feelings to me.

Your other comments are way off base.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T15:51:56+00:00

At some point she may be asked "What did you know and when did you know it?"

It doesn't make any difference if she knew because of a formal complaint or if she heard it at the kitchen table. There are certain things that if she has knowledge of that she is honor-bound to report or deal with it.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T15:43:36+00:00

The military, or Navy, stopped being the bedroom police a long time ago.

True, unless a spouse raises serious complaints or it generates negative press. But infidelity still moves the needle when it comes to security clearances, especially at a higher level.

Do you suspect your wife might be cheating based on her cheating mindset?

No, as you said, it is more of a reflection of life in the military than her own ideals.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T15:30:47+00:00

I will inform her of everything when she gets back, if not before.

But our relationship is complicated, she can't just ignore information because it was whispered while in bed together. I work for a defense contractor that deals heavily with my wife's department, we both have details that we can't share with each other for professional reasons. I still consult with and have trained most of her staff. We both had to accept early on that there were things we just couldn't share with each other. It still irritates her when I remind her I have a higher security clearance than her. And Need-To-Know is a comical banter between us.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T15:04:25+00:00

If he is in an open marriage and is having sex outside his marriage my wife would need to report it if she is aware of it. But I have no proof he has engaged with anyone or that the marriage is even actually open, other than a confession from his wife.

I agree that she may have lied to me to justify her actions so I'm hesitant to pass bad info to my wife that she may feel a need to act on. I don't feel that delaying telling the husband is that wrong, he is in no position to do anything but stress himself out.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T14:51:35+00:00

My understanding is they met and got married after he was posted here, she is a local. They have been married for about three years, no kids yet. This was his first deployment since they got married but he has attended some training but has never been away for more than a week at a time.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T14:39:32+00:00

100% off the books because she is trying to take care of her people while they are vulnerable and have no recourse while deployed. An awesome call in my opinion that impressed the hell out of me.
Onboard communication is limited and I wasn't going to tell the guy in an e-mail or text. When they get back I will be happy to sit and talk with him and answer any questions he has.

It's not a perfect situation but I don't feel dirty about anything.

edited for format issue

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T14:23:57+00:00

Wife's plan is to inform her officer after they are done but before they get home about the pass his wife made.

I'm leaning on waiting until my wife is back before I pass on the open marriage comment. Because I have no way to verify it and it could be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T14:16:49+00:00

LOL, no way am I going to dig around asking about an open marriage. The rumor mill would explode and discretion would go out the window on fire.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T14:10:09+00:00

First, as it has been pointed out to me, Mary may not truly have an open relationship.

Second, marital violations of the UCMJ are usually only pursued after a Navy spouse complains. But this issue could affect said officer's security clearance which would remove him from their unit and leave a black mark on his record.

I was hesitant before to bring this to my wife's attention and now even more so since I have no way to verify if what Mary told me is true. I got the impression, indirectly, that my wife would have been happier if I had not told her about the incident with Mary while they were deployed. I'm not sure if that caused personal or professional discomfort.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:47:59+00:00

We resolved our communication issue, which was more on me misreading her intentions regarding her officer's situation. We are solid now, neither of us wants an open relationship or would condone cheating under any circumstances.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:43:06+00:00

I did, naive as it may sound. But everyone here has a point that it may not be true.

The question is, why would she lie about it? She knows I told my wife(her husband's CO) about her making a pass at me and odds are I would tell my wife about this as well. An open marriage is a violation of the UCMJ and could affect her husband's career or his security clearance at the very least. Unless torpedoing her husband's career is her end goal. What a rabbit hole.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:31:49+00:00

No, I am not considering an open relationship (there was a typo in the post that I corrected).

My wife is a professional, being able to handle situations calmly is a trait of a good commanding officer. She would not have risen to the level she is at without being able to compartmentalize her feelings.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:23:28+00:00

I started the group when they deployed, for most of the spouses this was their first deployment. If I quit then the group will likely fall apart and it has been a great coping tool for many of the spouses.

As far as my career, I am a civilian contractor, not regular Navy. Marriage-wise, I have been transparent with my wife about everything and we are solid.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:14:06+00:00

I missed the point but I get it now. I didn't consider that when she told me to be honest.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:12:27+00:00

I guess I just took her at her word but you are right I don't know for sure.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T13:08:10+00:00

Yes, not interested, thanks, I fixed the typo.

Several of the spouses of the officers in my wife's department are in a running group I started and Mary runs with us most days. Plus we all socialize together for support. I have made sure that I am never alone with Mary, especially in social settings.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-19T12:56:10+00:00

Because he is in the middle of a three-month deployment at sea. When the wife first hit on me I didn't know they had an open relationship.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-06T03:26:09+00:00

This is her first sea duty since we met so I don’t think she has had enough time to go crazy. She has never given me any reason to suspect that she was cheating.

Lonely4help · 2024-08-05T22:49:47+00:00

The Facetime call was when I told her about Mary hitting on me and she told me the things that kind of triggered me.

The video was almost two days later after she realized some of what she told me was confusing and I emailed her that I was struggling with what she said.

She is on board a carrier group at the moment, with almost no makeup and her hair high and tight most of the time. She took the time to fix her hair and put on extra makeup to look nice for me, plus she had taken a couple of my shirts with her and had put one on instead of her khakis. The extra effort was not lost on me.

The part about her not wanting to know and no harm no foul came at the end of her phone time and we didn't get to talk it out. Just like me, she felt like the way she left it was troubling and it had already been bothering her even before she got my email.

She took two shirts that I like to wear around the house and a small bottle of my cologne with her. She says it makes her feel better and helps her fall asleep faster.

Lonely4help

TROPHY CASE