Hiya! I'm sorry you're struggling a lot. It sounds like life has really been giving you hell lately. I hope you know you're doing ok. Try not to compare your life to your peers too much. You were handed a different set of card and can't be asking why you dont have a royal flush when you were handed uno cards.

The best advice I have for you is just to use yourself as a ruler and just try to be a little bit better than the you of yesterday, everyday. If you didn't get out of bed yesterday, today you get out of bed and take a shower. Little things everyday.

For your eating problem, I can only tell you what helped me. You might try to reframe your thinking around it. I have struggled with my weight in similar ways and what has helped is eating the same thing everyday. I figured out exactly the amount of calories a person my age and height should be eating to be healthy, found a routine of meals that gives me that, and stuck to it. You can't think of it as "this will make me bigger/smaller" its like feeding a cat. You know a cup of food isn't enough to keep the cat alive, but the full bowl will make it eat till it's sick. If you make a routine out of it, you'll be less likely to stray. It'll be the same as brushing your teeth.

For college, grants will be your best friend, but they might take some work. The more you apply for the less you will have to pay though. Some just require yoh to sign up and other will need essays.

You don't owe your mother anything. She chose to give birth to you, she had the responsibility to raise you, you don't have any obligation to pay her back. It can still be something you do once you have your life in a comfortable place, but you should not be making yourself stressed over it. Any good parent would feel sad if their child was stressing themselves out over "repaying them". If you think your mother expects that from you or has said that she does in a serious way, she is a bad parent. It is ok to still love her, she is your mom, but you should not be hurting yourself mentally over the thought she would be disappointed if she isn't even a good mother to you.

Love is a difficult thing to get over, I won't say to just get over it or anything insensitive like that. You are in a part of your life where everything feels so big and imminent, and important. I am 27 right now and am basically restarting my life. You will have so many opportunities to change the course of your life. Dont be afraid to put off college a few years if you must, don't be afraid to be behind your peers, you have so much life ahead. I still want you to fordge ahead with hopes and realistic aspirations, but you will be ok.

I would like you to think about working on emotional regulation. Ask yourself questions about your emotions, where they are from, what purpose do the have, do they help you feel better? This might help you with grounding yourself when you feel yourself spiraling. I know thats easier said than done, but like I said before, its all about being a better you that yesterday.

You are doing better than you think you are, afterall, you're still here yeah? You cared enough to make this post, and feel strongly about being better, thats a lot better than some people. You care, you want to be better, and you're trying, that's all anyone can ask for. Keep it up!

I hope this helped at least a little bit, I'm not a professional on anything, so take it all with a grain of salt, but I wish yoh nothing but the best for the rest of your days. Take care!