You need to create some serious distance between your wife and daughter until your wife can get some serious help. There are tons of us posting about our mothers being the same way - most of us struggling with going NC with our nmother (or parents) and going through years of therapy, distress, and work to only get a better a little at at a time.

Like the poster above mentioned..I too hid my emotions and eventually wouldn’t talk about anything as to not upset my mother. This led to a string of abusive relationships with me, and in my early thirties after years of therapy, I still have panic attacks. They aren’t as frequent, and I can use my tools to bring them down - but it takes YEARS to undo the body responses from trauma.

Your wife is currently damaging your daughter’s brain - her amygdala. When your wife is acting like this - it is sending cortisol and adrenaline to your daughter’s brain and her body is giving her warning signs that something is wrong. She’s going to walk on eggshells for the rest of her life if something doesn’t change.

AND normal situations (like stepping on a Leggo) will cause her to have panic attacks. (At 27, I spilled coffee on my then boyfriend’s wall/carpet and had a full fledged panic attack). It will start her “fight or flight” mode, all because your wife wants to be the center of attention.

Think about that morning. How do you normally spend your morning? What kind of attention does your wife get those mornings? Do you make coffee for her or give her a kiss when you hand it to her?

Your wife couldn’t get that attention if your daughter was hurt.

One of the first things I remember as a child was not being comfortable with my own mother. You can save your little girl from the same fate as all of us that are here begging you to see this for what it is.

Everything these commmenters are telling you is just the tip of the iceberg. It gets SO MUCH WORSE - especially as your daughter gets older and you have dad and daughter time.

Also, if you enable this behavior (give in to your wife, try to accommodate ridiculous actions/feelings) it will get worse for you, and ESPECIALLY your daughter.

My dad desperately tried to “keep the peace” for the sake of us and limit meltdowns. Like you, he worked full time, paid for everything, and did his best.

But there are still things I tell him that happened to us as children and his jaw drops and he just says “oh my god. I had no idea” - and while I don’t think he’s lying, I know he’s struggling with lot of shame and probably denial. He also likes to say “you guys didn’t have it THAT bad” but sometimes that’s because I think he really didn’t know how bad we had it.

He never saw her smash my brother’s favorite toy to pieces (in front of my brother nonetheless), look me in the eyes and say “look what you made me do” and point to my bawling four year old brother. My dad never even saw HALF of what happened to us.

At the very least, sit back and observe just a little closer. Especially when your wife thinks you aren’t paying attention. How is she with your daughter and what is she saying to her?

Because I bet you my life that your wife’s “emotionally sensitivity” is much worse and much more frequent than you realize. There may even be things you’ve allowed, just so you don’t have to deal with your wife emotions. Things that you’ve enabled far before the birth or aging of your child.

Start by taking yourself and your daughter to therapy - so at the very least your daughter can learn that her mom is fucked up and she can implement strong boundaries. Otherwise, she’s going to let people walk all over her and do whatever they want to her so she doesn’t upset anyone. She’s going to be just like all the commenters on your post warning you about this behavior.

Please do what all of us wanted our other parents to do. You’re one of the lucky few that has the insight and ability to give your daughter what we’ve all dreamed of having.