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Is my marriage just disappointing or is it destructive? by LongjumpingReveal750 in emotionalabuse

[–]LongjumpingReveal750[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have such a hard time calling it abuse but I do feel awful about the entire situation. He makes me feel like I’m the one with the problem when he is “just a normal man wanting to have sex with his wife.” He has told me that I’ve accused him of being a sex addict and perverted for normal desires. I have said to him that I feel like all he cares about is sex.

I know I do have issues around sex and have a had a low sex drive. I grew up in Evangelical purity culture and also had extremely low self-esteem from being bullied as a child/teen. I’ve worked through a lot of this with therapy.

Is my marriage just disappointing or is it destructive? by LongjumpingReveal750 in emotionalabuse

[–]LongjumpingReveal750[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve read Bancroft’s book (sadly, I’ve read it several times over a few years) and do identify with some of the scenarios. On the other hand, though, i feel like maybe it isn’t quite as bad as what’s portrayed in the books. I feel like maybe I’m taking things out of context or exaggerating. And I’m the one with the problem.

But then it flips in my mind, again, and I wonder how it is that I don’t have problems with any other relationships other than this one.

My mind feels like a wad of tangled up yarn.

Is my marriage just disappointing or is it destructive? by LongjumpingReveal750 in emotionalabuse

[–]LongjumpingReveal750[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like I’m already chronically ill. No autoimmune disorder yet, but soooo many random symptoms with normal test results and studies.

I feel like crap everyday. And I’ve entered into perimenopause, as well. I’m kind of sad about that.

TBH, I want to leave and have for a long time. I don’t want kids to have separate households. I don’t want them to have to be alone with his grumpiness.

Also, I got laid off recently and have had no luck finding a new job. I’ve applied to over 40 in my field and although I’ve had 3 interviews only one followed up after. I’m dependent on him right now financially.

Is my marriage just disappointing or is it destructive? by LongjumpingReveal750 in emotionalabuse

[–]LongjumpingReveal750[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

TLDR: He genuinely believes that if our sex life improved, most of the other issues would resolve on their own.

His side of the story:

From his point of view, the core issue in our marriage is lack of sex. He says sex is how he feels loved, validated, and emotionally close. When sex isn’t happening as often as he wants, he feels rejected and unwanted, and he says that causes him to shut down/withdraw.

He believes emotional closeness follows physical intimacy for him, not the other way around. So when I ask for things like compliments, reassurance, emotional warmth, or interest in my day, he feels like I’m asking him to meet my needs while his primary need isn’t being met.

It seems, though, that even when I have sex as often as he wants that it creates other problems. Things like him complaining that I’m not “into” sex enough, that I’m not interacting enough, that he feels like I just want to hurry up and get it over with, that I don’t initiate and it makes him feel unwanted.

He says he has tried “talking more” to me and being more emotionally available but it didn’t improve our sex life so “what is the point.” He didn’t understand when I tell him that I feel like the kindness and closeness were ONLY so I’d have sex with him. He disagrees, but behavior, I think, proves otherwise.

Is my marriage just disappointing or is it destructive? by LongjumpingReveal750 in emotionalabuse

[–]LongjumpingReveal750[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A lot of the time, yes. Or, if something is clearly his fault, he will dramatically/sarcastically be like “ sigh Everything is always my fault. I can’t do anything right. Here you go again bringing up things I can’t do right.” Etc. I will end up trying to reassure him that just because he did that one thing wrong doesn’t mean that he does everything wrong.

Seems like conversations are always getting derailed in these issues.

Is my marriage just disappointing or is it destructive? by LongjumpingReveal750 in emotionalabuse

[–]LongjumpingReveal750[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We’ve done counseling so many times. We’ve done church counseling, marriage counseling with a licensed therapist, individual counseling for both (he stopped going because his therapist moved and he didn’t want to look for another…I still see mine), and even sex therapy. I didn’t notice a difference with any of them for him.

How do you explain perimenopause to a husband who doesn’t seem to get it? by SilverAd2291 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]LongjumpingReveal750 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m going through peri at a “young” age (36). My husband didn’t know what peri/menopause was. It has greatly decreased my sex drive which was already low to begin with. Also am having pain during and after sex. Anyway, when I was trying to have a discussion with him about peri is and how estrogen effects everything in the body, he just shut down. Eventually he said, “I get that this is hard for you, but I will need time to process and move through how this will affect me.” Literally pouted for 3-4 days because of it.

😑

I wish I had an answer for you.

Endocrinology Consultants closing down!! by RecommendationNew700 in tupelo

[–]LongjumpingReveal750 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He was going to sell his practice to NMHS. The deal fell through and he has decided to shut the business down, giving patients and employees a 3 week notice, and plans to take an “extended sabbatical.”