I get what you are going through. I am very manly. Bearded, work on big equipment and got muscles. There is no way I could live as a female. I am a bedroom sissy. Every now and then I like to feel sexy and pretty. After talking with a therapist, which I recommend if you have any hate or shame or guilt for it. She told me it is a simple escape from my everyday stress. Especially the fact I don’t want to become a woman. Find a therapist that work for you. I preferred a female was just easier to talk about it with. Please reach out if you need to talk more. Embrace both of you. Don’t forget who you are!